It pains me that putting words on paper is so difficult for me these days. Somethings up in my brain that it is such a challenge to string words together and this is hard when writing is my gateway to communicate . So this piece will not be eloquent and I'm using my voice typing to put it together but oh how I need to put my thoughts on paper . Right now I sit in the emergency room at three in the morning and I wait. I wait for them to cut this growth out of my head in a few days time and I pray that by removing this tumour my life can slowly begin to build back into whatever normal is for us. We thought life was crazy enough already with the challenges of life this is like beyond crazy and surreal. Honestly I don't know exactly how I feel these days I try not to think too much because thinking can get you in trouble and there are such bad scenarios out there and so I stay positive and pray against the anxiety that has crept in. It's hard to let go to realize I am not the do er in our family anymore I sit back and have to watch as other hands are busy doing my mom work and so I try to relax and let these others do these jobs. This is my job now to simply stay emotionally fit so I can just keep loving my family and stay mentally well so I can do this: tackle brain surgery like a warrior .
My relationship with God feels different these days. I am a busy mom of three little ones I have not had the luxury of moments to ponder for ponderings sake. I think these days I depend on the fact that God is my rock on whom I can stand no matter where my feet are planted. Whether they're in a hospital bed like this very moment my God is with me. I know his promise to never leave. I lean in and I listen God I ask you to speak and I know that you will I still myself to hear because it's been noisy lately and I trust I will still continue to hear as I declare my intentions to listen well . casting crowns has a song God of all my days. My dear friend sent me this song and I've been resting in it. It says
" In my worry God you're my stillness " or something like that. I've been resting here in the stillness and it is good . How wonderful to have a God that is bigger than worry who is bigger than all this who has me in his hands and so I trust. I trust. Rayna thinks it's no big deal that mom is going for brain surgery I trust that God feels the same way. I've got this child, just one more part of your story and don't you know that I am the God who formed you ? who knows you ?
I know a powerful God and so I invite you to pray with me to him . I ask that cancer would know it has no home in my body. I ask you that as I place my brain in my surgeons hands that God would fill dr. Heran with incredible skill and brilliance. I pray for strength for my family and all those hands that are doing so much work in my home give them fortitude for the exhausting work of raising twins . I am so thankful for all of you dear friend and family thanks for joining me in this crazy journey life has taken me on.