Sunday, September 22, 2019

September 22 Gratitude: Freedom of Faith.



<<September 22 Gratitude>> Freedom of Faith.
.
Today I am grateful for the freedom of this great country: freedom to go to a place of worship to practice my faith in public, and that EVERYONE has this right, no matter what their faith is!!!
.
My faith and faith community have been vital in empowering me to thrive when cancer tried to swing it's wrecking ball into my life. Today I am mindful that I take this for granted way too much. .
XOXO
Cheryl
.



Saturday, September 21, 2019

September 20 Gratitude: Terry Fox run




<<Sept 20 Gratitude:participating in Rayna's Terry Fox Run>>
.
Seeing my daughter Rayna Run "for my mom" makes my heart well up ♥️ (swipe for more pics). I am so inspired by Terry Fox, and that we could participate together today at Rayna's school run was amazing!!! (Even if she didn't want me to be there πŸ˜‰)
.
Awesome bonus: Terry Fox's SIL works in Rayna's classroom, so I got a picture with her, the class and Terry's niece! Hoping to work with this amazing organization in the future to spread Hope in the cancer world!
.
XOXO
Cheryl


September 21 Gratitude: SOCCER


<<Sept 21 Gratitude>>. SOCCER!!! Fall Saturdays are full of kids' soccer, Sunday is my soccer.
.
Since my Glioblastoma diagnosis stepping on the soccer field feels like I'm sticking it to cancer.  Even though my cardio fitness is not like it was when I was 16 years old πŸ˜† I feel young and ALIVE when I step on the soccer pitch.
.
And every season that my kids play soccer is heart warming to this soccer loving momma♥️
.
What makes you feel ALIVE? Or what makes you feel like you're sticking it to cancer?
.
XOXO
Cheryl
.


Thursday, September 19, 2019

September 19 Gratitude: learning something new



<<September 19 Gratitude>> Learning something new.
.
I choose this as my gratitude today because I'd really rather not press into the Ugh of having to learn something new: building a website, finding readers who resonate with the words I'm dishing out, etc. I've said this before, but my first day in the pharmacy dispensary I said, "I am NEVER changing careers again!".
.
But life. But cancer. But the hope I've experienced and want other fellow cancer survivors to experience bubbles up in me and has to be shared!!!
.
And I remember my motto of life long learning. Never being content to just coast.
.
So I choose to be (an old dog learning new tricks!) grateful to learn something new and uncomfortable.
.
Have you had to learn something new lately?  Please share 😊.
.
XOXO
Cheryl.
.

PS. NEW WEBSITE UNDER CONSTRUCTION!!!  HOPING TO TRANSFER MY BLOG OVER SOONER RATHER THAN LATER!!! THANKFUL FOR MY HUSBAND'S HELP😊 I'LL KEEP YOU POSTED!





Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Sept 17 Gratitude: Grace



Today I am grateful for grace.  For freedom and release from trying to measure up. 

Editorial note:. This sat on my computer unposted for ... Awhile. It felt Ugh. I wondered: is this post too "faithy"? I went for a run, sat on the bench in this picture for a bit. I realized no, I've already told my readers if something doesn't resonate with them, leave it, discard it, ignore it. That's an excuse to not post it. It's feels Ugh because it is vulnerable. I am far from having a good understanding of grace. Further, this junk I share, my shame, is still raw. I don't have it sorted yet. I can't cover my vulnerability today with pretty answers and beautiful words. My shield is down and it feels uncomfortable. I wonder if this post might be an utter flop.

Deep breath, I remember my Ennaegram 3 (my performance driven personality) reading that after age 35 you only learn through failure. I remember my counselor telling me he prescribes failure for perfectionists. Deep breath, this post might be a flop, but I choose to courageously post it anyways.

Won't you sit with me here as we learn more about grace together. (Life is always better together)


I woke up this morning feeling full of short coming. Full of "not enough-ness".   Multiple little short comings that mounted into an insurmountable pile and plummeted me into shame.  I have learned this word, shame, from Brene Brown. She defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.” (p. 126 Dare to Lead, emphasis mine)  My “not-enoughness” consisted of little things like these, maybe some sound familiar to you?

-Yesterday I didn’t post my daily gratitude on social media, I ran out of energy, falling asleep in my daughter’s bed (Shortcoming)
- A persistent feeling (I need to keep in check) of feeling like I am not meeting my husband’s ideals of household cleanliness.
- Today is photo day at my daughter’s school and I had to actively rein in my perfectionism and wanting to micro-manage her appearance.    
- My friend is having surgery today and I want to be the perfectly supportive friend to her, because I care about her.  I feel like I am falling short.
- Sunday I was supposed to have soccer, but it got rained out.  I didn’t make up that missed exercise by going for a run.
         

As I woke this morning I felt shame creeping in.  It’s like it entered my toes and was creeping up my legs like a cancer reaching for my heart. Cancer is growth unchecked.  I took a whole course on the molecular biology of cancer in University.  It is driven by genetic defects that allow cells that have reached the end of their life cycle to keep on growing. They grow and grow, unchecked, ignoring the rules that govern a healthy body.  Shame is like this; if we let it press through the check-point where it’s supposed to be stopped, it just grows and grows like a cancer crowding out the healthy function of the surrounding body.


My daughter’s been reading a book where the main character, Annie, is a princess who is immune to the powers of magic. Annie is tasked with retrieving a magic Pearl, because she is immune to the evil magic of the sea witch.  The pearl is of great value to her because it holds the power to cure her father from the “creeping sickness”.  This creeping sickness starts in a person’s toes, turning them blue, and gradually creeps up the body.  If it reaches a person’s head they die. 

As shame creeps into my day beginning in my toes; I know I need to stop it before it destroys my perspective and my day and has a negative impact on my physical health.  I need the magic pearl that destroys this cancerous and creeping shame.

That healing pearl is grace.  Grace is a powerful antidote to shame.

If you've read my other posts you know it was my counselor who sent me on a grace-finding journey.  When he first asked me what grace was I was flustered, but I pieced together the response, “deep kindness.”  Brene Brown says we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.  In light of this (and my desire to love others well, starting with my family) I have begun to regularly say to myself, “Cheryl, be kind to yourself.”  If shame, for “not being enough”, creeps in this is one of my weapons. 

Furthermore, I tried creating definitions and examples of grace in my life to understand it better. I tried a bunch of these: Grace is  that I’m still alive with this diagnosis? Absolutely I’m still grateful for this, but it doesn’t resonate grace to me.  What about delivering my oldest daughter vaginally when she was almost a c-section? Or the last km on the 30 Km race I did a few years ago? Or maybe the words that flow out of me and soothe me? Again, I am grateful for all of these, but they do not capture grace for me.   

In my pursuit of understanding grace I pressed into the faith I grew up with.  I grew up with the phrase “the grace of God” slung around.  But in my quest for understanding grace, this phrase didn’t help.  What does grace really mean?  I grew up with a rule-following, religious sort of perception of Christianity.  Recently, when I read a book called Grace for the good-girl: Letting go of the try hard life, by Emily Freeman, I realized that I had been trying to earn grace in my faith-life (and probably my everyday life).  But earning grace is an oxymoron and also a futile pursuit by very definition.  So I had to press further. 

My friend, who is also a counselor, brought it to my attention that grace is inherently vulnerable because it means admitting that I am not enough.  Ouch. I don’t like being not enough.  I like being self-sufficient, capable Cheryl with a zillion gold stars beside my name.  She is a perfectionist.  She is performance driven.  She gets stuff done.  I like her.  She isn’t vulnerable.  BUT she is weighed down with the 20-tonne weight of her perfectionism shield, being heckled by shame, her backseat driver (again, illustration is Brene Brown’s).  Her life isn’t free.  And she has the creeping disease.

So where is this grace?  How do I find this magic pearl and bring it into my life?

Grace lives beyond the ruled-filled world I have loved so much.  She says it’s not about what you do, its about who you are.  Opposite to shame, grace is about being worthy of love, belonging and connection, just because I am, flaws and all.  It’s a complete shift in perspective and complete upside down logic. It’s also very liberating.

Regardless of your faith background, I think you can capture a greater sense of this sort of grace from the following story.  There are 2 sisters, Mary and Martha, who are having Jesus over for lunch one day.  Martha is this hostess with the mostest and she’s flitting about here and there making sure the food and ambience are perfect.  She is working her butt off and starting to get really pissed that, firstly, her sister isn’t helping her, but secondly, that Jesus isn’t calling Mary out.  She voices this to Jesus and he says, “stop being so upset, Martha!  Mary knows what really matters.”  From the first time I read that story I couldn’t understand it.  I didn’t get Jesus and I thought he got his response wrong. I mean,  dude, she’s working her butt off!   A few years and experiences down the road, I think I may just be starting to understand what Jesus was saying.  I think he may have been teaching the importance in being over doing.  Jesus wasn’t about the try-hard life that our society praises.   

This helps me to understand that grace is about being loveable no matter what.  Release the rules, release the to-do lists, release the armor of a poised surface and grace remains.  Grace is deep kindness that you choose and experience firstly towards yourself.  It tramples the cancerous shame so you are freed to be gracious with others.

This is good news for my soul today. 

How about yours?  Does this post resonate with you?  I’d love to hear from you!

And let’s be kind to ourselves and have a grace filled day.

XOXO,
Cheryl   




Sept 16 Gratitude: rest and sleep



<<Sept 16 Gratitude: rest and sleep>>
.
This post is day late because last night I fell asleep in my daughter's bed with her.  When I awoke all I could muster was moving my body to my own bed and resuming sleep.
.
Sleep is good😊
.

XOXO
Cheryl
.
#cherylrostek #simplygrateful #sleepisgood #thesearethedays

Sunday, September 15, 2019

September 15 Gratitude: my husband





<<September 15 Gratitude>> This man, my husband♥️.
.
Today my gratitude is for Ryan, my husband, who I fell in love with at 18 years old, who 20 years later is still the love of my life. I love him with the same passion of our youth, but with the maturity that comes with years. .

Last night he read my post and gave me a big hug and said, "I'm glad you're here to do dishes too." Out of context that comment would seem snide.  But this was a heart felt truth.  Acknowledging our reality.
.

I am so grateful for my partner in life. One who battles alongside me for hope, for perspective, for life, for love.  Never giving up on me, on us.  Facing the difficult head on and wading through the muck with tremendous optimism.
.

I am grateful for this man who is my husband and a brilliant father to our children. A man who stayed when twin parenting almost drove him to the edge. A man who has been nothing but steadfast in this impossible journey of ours.
.

I am blessed to be his wife.  And in my visualization exercises I envision us growing old together.  I choose to be courageous and believe for this "impossible" with tears in my eyes.  To hope for this is to open myself up for deep hurt, but if Brene Brown has taught me anything, I will only find wholehearted living and love if I open myself up to be vulnerable. Another book I read (Getting well again by Simonton) speaks that others may call it false hope to believe for the impossible.  But, Simonton asserts, the only other option is to live in hopelessness. So I will be courageous and choose Hope. .
I figured one of these days I would post gratitude for this man, I didn't know how deep the emotion would strike. I am so grateful for him ♥️.
.
Who can you tell today, that you are grateful for them?
.
XOXO
Cheryl
.

Saturday, September 14, 2019

September 14 Gratitude: mundane moments


<<Sept 14 Gratitude: mundane moments>>
.
I realized today just how powerful my intentional daily gratitude journey is.  I felt nothing overt to be grateful for; the day was a busy morning to and fro with kids' soccer and an afternoon of a WHOLE LOT of cleaning.
.
Then
.
I was washing my second sinkful of dishes and a thought popped into my mind, "I am grateful to be able to serve my family by doing our dishes."
.
This is important because 1) I am sure it was my regular gratitude practice that caused this thought to pop in unsolicited.
2) I am alive to do dishes.
.
Nearly three years ago,  with a Stage 4 Glioblastoma diagnosis, I did not think I would be alive to watch my kids getting bigger, I did not think I would be cleaning their messes, breaking up their fights, and washing their laundry. .
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to be alive and living into these mundane moments.
.
As Brene Brown says, "the most joy is found in ordinary moments."
.
Today was a powerful shift of perspective. That's what Gratitude does.  One of my greatest hopes is that I can inspire you to find joy: in celebratory times, in sorrowful timed, and in mundane times.
.
Have a grateful day
.
XOXO
Cheryl
.


September 13 Gratitude: CELEBRATION!


<<Sept 13 Gratitude:>> Celebration!
.
Life has felt heavy this week, so today I am grateful for a celebration!  A party!!!
.
Today we are having a party for Allison, celebrating that she is a BIG girl!: Tonight is her first night without a soother.  We had  a unicorn cake and we gave her a super soft stuffy.  Fun times!!!! (Let's hope the night isn't too rough πŸ˜†. Sleepy vibes welcome!)
.
XOXO
Cheryl
.


Thursday, September 12, 2019

September 12 Gratitude: Rest and stopping to smell the roses



.
With September comes soccer practices X 3 kids, soccer games x 3 kids, piano lessons, making sure piano is practiced, making lunches, helping with homework...a busy pace. A tired mom.
.
I have to stop and remind myself that I am not super human. "Be kind to yourself Cheryl", I've learned to say since my counselor pressed on me my need to learn grace for myself. (Indeed, I used to think I was a super mom when my twins were little --- and that didn't end well: shame, anxiety, and serious illness)
.
Today I am grateful for all I have learned about myself in the past year: that my personality is an over achiever and that can have detrimental health effects if not kept in check. (Yes I'm ennaegram 3)
.
Today I am grateful to stop and literally smell the roses.
.
Nearly 3 years ago when I created my cancer battle plan, my dear friend pointed out that I had failed to include: REST. .
Today I shall
.
Rest....and be grateful for it.
.
XOXO
Cheryl
.

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

September 11 Gratitude: Friendship



<<Sept 11 Gratitude>>. Friendship.
.
My 7 year old was super excited for back to school this year - she gets to see her friends regularly again!!! Friendship matters greatly to her.
.
I got this perfect card in mail just the other day from my friend.  On the hat it says "flourish" and in the corner "often the path that will bring us the most joy will need some clearing". Perfect words for my new writing adventure.
.
And all the other exceptional friends I have.  Those in my close circle.  Those who stepped up big time when cancer thrust my family into crisis.  Those who I can be vulnerable with.  Old friends, new friends. .

Yes, today I am grateful for all of these friendships❤️
.
XOXO
Cheryl




Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Sept 10 Gratitude: What cancer cannot steal

<<Sept 10 Gratitude>> What cancer cannot steal.

Yesterday my husband, Ryan’s, van was broken into.  The thieves smashed his window and stole his backpack.  They stole his backpack containing his laptop, essential for his business, perhaps a little bit of cash, and a stack of my “business cards” that Ryan likes to hand out.  As I was messaging my friend this morning to report my gratitude for today I said, “its one of those ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! Kinda things: why? WHY? WHY???!!” So little use for the thief (the laptop was actually on its last leg), yeah a bit of cash, but a HUGE inconvenience for Ryan: having to retrieve his files, replace his computer, get a new backpack, and fix the van window.  It feels so pointless, what a pointless crime!

As I take time to process my anger I find sadness as well.  It seems silly, but that backpack was a gift I gave Ryan close to 15 years ago.  He has used it regularly ever since.  My husband is the hardest guy to a present for.  I remember driving all over Saskatoon to find a laptop backpack for him.  I found a good one, (and he didn’t try to return it!) and he’s been using it for years.  Today I sit in my sadness that his backpack, and what that signifies, is stolen, gone.

Anger.  Today I am angry that these thieves stole from us, what was not theirs.  Anger is not one of my common emotions and I find that it usually points to a deeper emotion within me.  As I let myself sit in my anger it surfaces.  The pointlessness of it all precipitates thoughts like these, (Oh they are ugly…) “Why did I get the cancer, why don’t people like these thieves get their lives interrupted and shortened with cancer?!”  These angry questions lead further to ones I don’t think I’ve really even asked yet:   “WHY me!? Why did I get this nasty cancer??!!!  I was a thriving member of society, a medical professional, a mom of three young children, in my prime!  Why me, God? Why me???!!!!”  

It makes no sense, it makes me angry and sad all mixed together.  Historically, I avoid allowing myself to feel these difficult emotions.  I put up a stony shield of indifference, a sort of “they can’t hurt me!” kind of attitude.  However, this past year I have learned from Brene Brown, that if I numb pain (by forging a stony shield of indifference to the hurt), I will also numb joy.  I don’t know about you, but I will take all the joy I can get.  So it is good to sit in the anger and the pain for a moment.

But only for a moment.  (How long is a moment? I imagine it depends on the hurt – when I was first diagnosed with glioblastoma, my counselor told me that it was okay to sit in my sadness,grief, anger etc. of my diagnosis for 1 week.  After that, she said, I needed to employ measures to process and move forward.)

Yesterday when Ryan’s car was broken into he was with a group of people, each one of them with their own story of their own car being broken into.  For me that was a reminder that we’re all in this life together.  We’ve all had something stolen from us.  This gave me perspective.  And it pushed me forward.  Because to sit asking, “Why me?!” is like being a car stuck in the mud spinning it’s wheels, going nowhere, and sending muck flying in all directions.  So instead of asking the question without an answer, “Why me?” I choose to focus instead on what I can control.  As I practice gratitude I remember that I can control my perspective.    

I am reminded of the poem “What Cancer Cannot Do” that my dear friend sent to me when I was first diagnosed with Glioblastoma.  It was eyeopenning and a perspective shifter.



In light of yesterday’s events I frame that poem as “What Cancer Cannot Steal From Me.” And I remember that cancer CANNOT steal and these thieves CANNOT steal love, friendship, hope, peace, joy, and contentment from me!

I find scripture to be very encouraging and helpful in maintaining the perspective I desire.  I’ve been reading these words of a guy named Paul in the bible.  He speaks about the importance of a joy that can always be found.  He speaks that he has learned the secret of how to get along happily with much or with little.  He speaks about thinking about things that are praise-worthy.  It sounds a lot like this gratitude journey I’ve been invited on.

Gratitude is thinking about matters that are praise-worthy--- in times of much and in times of little.  

The reward of gratitude? A joy that cannot be stolen.

Let’s sit with THAT for longer than a moment!  Always remembering what cancer CANNOT steal, what thieves CANNOT steal!

I will close with an invitation.  I invite you into this journey with me, whatever your journey looks like.  Whether you have cancer, know someone with cancer, or cancer hasn’t really touched your life.   Whether spirituality is a part of your life or not.  Whether you believe in God, the power of the universe, other faith-based beliefs, or you’re not sure.  I invite you into this journey with me asking for grace as I speak from the voice (and acknowledged bias) of my own personal faith and grace as I seek to understand other faiths and belief systems more clearly.  Regardless of the paths of our journeys, I strongly feel that we are all better journeying together.  (Remember I shared that it is only because of the invitation of my dear friend that I am on this deepened gratitude journey--- and oh how thankful for that I am!)  I sincerely thank you for journeying with me.


XOXO
Cheryl 




Monday, September 9, 2019

September 9 Gratitude


<<Sept 9 Gratitude>> The soothing rhythm of September routine.
.
I thrive with routine. While I'm trying to embrace the blessings that pressing into uncertainty can offer, the consistency of routine is my calming place.
.
Sept gives me the routine of my daughter's school schedule that structures my day; indeed one of my favorite parts of weekdays is walking her to school ♥️
.
Do you like routine too? Or are you like my husband and think routine is way too boring and thrive in unpredictability and spontaneity?
.
Whether you're boring like me πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰ or a natural thrill seeker, have yourself a lovely grace filled day.
.
XOXO
Cheryl.




Sunday, September 8, 2019

September 8 Gratitude


<<Sept 8 Gratitude>> Happy Family Time.

A couple short years ago, when I was going through radiation and chemo and processing a devastating diagnosis, weekends used to be pure torture for our family. We had help during the week, but come weekend it was awful. I remember hopelessly trying to entertain our 1 year old twins with tv, they were just too young and oh so needy 😩.
.
In light of that history, I am SO grateful today for a weekend of soul-filling family time: a refreshing nature walk by Hicks Lake on Sat and a trip to the circus today!
.
BTW even though those wretched weekends are in the past, life's not always full of joy- like going to a circus.  Oh no! All too often it really just feels like life IS a circus.πŸ˜‚. And that's okay.  I'm just glad * this* crew is my circus crew.
.
XOXO
Cheryl .




Saturday, September 7, 2019

Sept. 7 Gratitude: Raspberries


<<September 7 Gratitude>> Raspberries.
.
My husband Ryan picked up some local raspberries last night. I love how fall is so much longer in the Fraser Valley (compared to the prairies where I grew up) and that the delights of summer  trickle into fall.
.
Raspberries are my favorite fruit.  Today they remind me of the summer after my first year university. I moved back home for the summer and my mom had raspberries in our backyard. Every morning before work I would suntan, eat raspberries and read. Sweet memories.
.
Recently I asked my oncologist if I would ever regain more energy post radiation, chemo and the trauma of brain surgery and my glioblastoma diagnosis. He encouraged me to visualize the energy I used to have, to visualize times in the past when I had high levels of energy,  as a tool to improve and regain my former energy level.  He also said there is no reason I shouldn't regain pre-cancer energy levels.  He empowered me.
.
 Today as I enjoy my fresh raspberries and practice gratitude I "feel" the youth of being 18 again 😊.

XOXO
Cheryl


Friday, September 6, 2019

September Gratitudes




<<September Gratitude>> September is very likely my favorite month for many reasons that are bursting inside of me.  I have a precious friend willing to journey me in daily September gratitude, even though September is very much her least favorite month. This journey is beautiful, and so, although Sept is well underway:
.
I invite you to join me in my practice of intentional documented daily gratitude this month.
.
It's gonna be SO good! How do I know this? Because it already is! Here we go!
.
Sept 6 gratitude:
Today I am thankful for healthy children- physically, mentally healthy children.  That my twins were born at term and healthy (couldn't resist sharing baby pic! See below) that my oldest is absolutely thriving in school.  It is a gift, especially given the past 3 years of difficult cancer-battling life for me, I am SO grateful to have been able to focus on my health because my kids were healthy.  Sept is hard for parents whose kids aren't thriving in school, I do not take it for granted that I am able to press into the joys of Rayna's new school year. (It truly delights the school loving nerd that I am!)♥️♥️♥️.
.
BTW pic is first day of Grade 2  (and yes she is excited for school she just didn't want her picture taken😊). I love this girl sooooo much and am so proud of her ❤️
.
Feel free to share your own September gratitudes below, I'd love to hear them!
.

XOXO
Cheryl