I am tired. I feel like over the last few months I have come to know so many different types of tired. Right now, I feel like I am so very tired, but at least it is more of a ‘normal’ tired. I feel the need to get fully away from my responsibilities to relax. To get away from my (or earlier) crying wake up call. I am worn out of being Mom while trying to take care of myself well, too. It has been a long haul.
Our nanny normally comes a part day Tuesday, then full days Wednesday through Friday. Last week our nanny went home sick Wed at lunch for the rest of the week. It was a very hard week. It felt pretty much “impossible”. Our counselor mentioned in one of our sessions that we are living an impossible situation. Then the pastor 2 Sundays ago spoke that God is in the business of doing the impossible. I feel like we are pushed to our max and the max gets pushed even further. Many days, particularly last week, felt impossible and I just kept thinking about Peter walking on water. Walking on water is impossible, but Jesus called Peter to step out of the boat. Peter started to sink when he took his eyes off Jesus. Last week I felt like I was near drowning in our impossible situation. I had to just keep my eyes on Jesus. It was still (and continues to be) so hard; but I know at least if I keep my eyes on Jesus I will not sink, I will not drown.
Friday night Garrett was up a lot with his cold so I got poor sleep. Thankfully, Saturday Ryan’s mom came to help but I was still tired since I can’t seem to sleep during the day, and my emotions were high. I suppressed them until I could sleep. Sunday I awoke after a great sleep and the emotions were still there. Discouragement and an overwhelm of the impossible. Tired in a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual way. So when I entered church and they started the service with one-on-one prayer at the front for anyone, I didn’t hesitate (much) to go forward. Prayer, I need prayer to live the impossible. Then Tuesday we met with a new Christian small group our close friends have connected us with. These people are amazing, living real life out in the open, giving of themselves sacrificially for us, and battling spiritually with and for us. On Tuesday they took time to pray specifically for me and for healing. I am overwhelmed and its not with fatigue!
Monday I awoke and felt different. I felt like I was back in action and starting to feel like myself again. The mental fatigue has subsided. With great spiritual support, the spiritual and emotional fatigue has subsided. I am learning, however, that I still have physical fatigue. It feels a bit unusual since in my mind I feel so good and ready to tackle life; but, then the energy behind my thoughts does not translate into physical energy. I feel like when I was a child and my mom would make me sit and count to 10 if I got too over-excited or hyper (I am learning that I am more prone to catching the excitement vibe than I realized). I have to calm my excitement until my body is ready to catch up. It still needs to rest very much.
Blessings and points of thanksgiving:
- I have started taking Rayna on dates on Tuesdays. This is special time as I feel like I haven’t had good chances to connect with her since the twins were born. This girl is amazing and starting to really step into a big sister/helping to mother role. I am thankful for an eldest daughter with such a cheerfully helpful personality, it is such a blessing these days.
- We are so thankful for the spiritual support we are receiving.
- Lately, I have been particularly thankful for my mom. She is in remission from cancer herself and only 2.5 years ago life seemed pretty dire for her (indeed, my mom’s cousin who is her close friend, said that in those days she didn’t think my mom would live to meet her next grandchild who my sister was pregnant with at the time. But now she has that grandchild plus 3 more new ones-the twins, plus my sister’s 5th child!!!!) Thankful for my mom’s help with the kids when my parents come out and also having her to talk to and ask advice from. Please pray for continued remission and health for my mom, Alice.
- pray for healing for me. Pray that this cancer is eradicated from my body, it has no home there and does not belong.
- Also right now I have caught the kids’ cold. Pray for energy since I feel tired on top of tired (but praise that at least it is only physical fatigue). Pray that the physical fatigue alongside the ever-present demands of our children won’t push me into emotional fatigue.
- Pray for us and determining next steps required for a future home for us. We are doing fine living in our condo (our neighbors probably don’t view this so positively, though) but this is not a long-term home for our family. We keep pushing the matter aside because it’s not an easy decision and so far life has more pressing issues. That said, it is a subject that needs to eventually get sorted out. Please pray for much wisdom, discernment, guidance, and peace about this subject. Pray that when we start exploring options that a clear choice would be made super clear to us.
- Pray for marriage-building, particularly as Ryan and I plan to go away for a night next week.
Cards of Thanks
-Thank you for your continued embrace of support through gifts, messages, cleaning, help with the kids, and food. I am blown away by our circle of support. It is hard for me that my etiquette is tossed out the window and I haven’t properly thanked each one of you. Thank you ever so much!
- Thank you for your prayers and thank you for taking the time to follow my story
and in doing so, becoming part of my story.
- I have received one message from someone willing to provide respite to us on Thursdays in the event our nanny is sick again. Just knowing that we have this option is so huge to us. We have Ryan’s mom who we can call, but the twins are hard for her to care for too as she is awaiting a hip replacement and she already helps us every Monday and Tuesday. Also, the reality is that our peers/close friends are quite maxed out on life of their own these days with small families. If daytime childcare is something within your scope of abilities and in your heart, we would be so grateful for a couple more contacts we could put on our respite list to have in case our regular nanny is unable.
- The vegetable soups I have received have warmed my body and my soul. I am so thankful for them. My stock is now running very low. I thought maybe I could start making some myself, but the reality is that I just won’t get to it. If anyone is wanting a way to help me out, replenishing my vegetable soup supply would be so appreciated.
I feel honored to have been present with you here in this (virtual) space. And it seems appropriate that in benediction I share the words my childhood pastor often shared when closing a service (Ephesians 3):
20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.