I've decided I need to rip a page out of my daughter's playbook. With no lead-in tonight at bedtime she asked, "what do they do if a kid gets cancer?" In our house we know the value of facing truth sensitively, but head-on. So, I told her that treatment is often more limited for kids. "Does cancer hurt, mom?" She asked. I told her that I have never had any pain from my cancer, but that her Grandma (my mom) had alot of pain from the damage her cancer did to her bones. I assured her there are medicine to lessen any pain and that we have really good cancer doctors.
no pause just the next statement that came from her lips: " I really like going to the waterslides. It's fun isn't it mom?"
Yes, it is; life is full of fun and full of not-fun, my dear sweet child.
The simplicity of a 5 year old's words were just what I needed tonight. I snuggled her as much as she allowed and kissed that beautiful head more than usual and let her stay up late to lengthen the moment. She had no idea what news I had just heard; but, her presence helped cut through the heaviness that a brain cancer contact I had made upon diagnosis just got big (tumor size), bad (inoperable tumor location) news. This is my real life folks. There's no hiding it and at times like this it gets frightening.
So I turn on Lauren Daigle, "trust in you" and remember that there's cancer in my life, in my head in fact; but there is A BIG mighty powerful and faithful God who holds it all steady. Steady, so I can get to dreaming with my daughter about June when the waterslides open again.
Friday, September 22, 2017
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Remembering to remember
We want comfort. We idolize easy street and when we hit bumps in the road all we want is to get back to the smooth. But I've come to see: life is a a collection of bumps and detours. What really shapes us is not the picture perfect that we post on social media. What shapes us is the junk. I feel like my past year has 'pressure-cooked' learning and growth for me. And when I reflect on that aspect of this past year it's mind blowing (for lack of eloquence)! Verses tell us to consider it joy when trials happen. why? Read these verses in Romans 5:3-5.
"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us --- they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengths our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."
These verses describe my life! Would I ever have chosen cancer? No. Do I think God gave me cancer? No. But being ripped from comfort, thrown into stormy waves, many beautiful things surfaced. I met my Jesus anew, I fell in love with my husband all over again, humanity showed her beautiful compassion to me. These are things that can not be taken from me. This reflects 1 cor 13:13 "there are three things that will ENDURE -- faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love!"
Jesus's love for us wasn't picturesque. No, it was gruesome. Similarly, I've come to see that life's beautiful in an ugly and uncomfortable way. This began to happen when I let Jesus's love take center stage. 1 Cor began to have more meaning when I needed a love that endures all things (vs 7). I desperately needed Jesus's love as my life was exploding. There were many weeks this past year that I clung- desperately clung- to the image of Peter walking on water. The part where he started sinking and freaking out. The part where he is reminded to just keep his eyes on Jesus. Those desperate weeks I felt like peter- sinking. The waves threatened mightily to overtake me, so I just kept looking to Jesus so I could do the impossible- get through the storm that all but engulfed me.
I battled hard for joy, courage, strength, hope, and faith. Jesus said, "if you seek me you will find me if you seek me with your whole heart". So I sought Jesus with my whole heart. And I surrounded myself with an army of Believers.
Now, the Storm has lulled and I feel like maybe we are catching our breaths. Yet, I am reminded to keep actively remembering God's FAITHFULNESS . Just as the Israelites were continuously told to remember and commemorate the faithfulness of God I hear God reminding me of the same.
You see as life is calming down I've starting thinking about things like what will my kids wear for their birthdays, for Halloween costumes, for family photos. These are all good things- but I must remember they are not the main point. Not the main point at all! (I'm reminded of the phrase- let's keep the main thing the main thing) You see life just got really real again in our peripheral life. In the wake of this I see it clearly again: I may not get costumes organized for Halloween or birthday party planned all pinteresty. And that is just fine. That is absolutely fine; because that stuff really doesn't matter. What matters is being actually present to celebrate. Praise God I get to see my twins turn 2! Praise God I get to celebrate my 1 year survivor anniversary! I never want to forget this lesson of what REALLY matters! I am frightened of how easily I felt myself starting to forget. It shocks me that the "norm" around me so easily begins to draw me in. I am appalled that I forget my days to spend with my precious children are limited. Though these days are a smattering of teeth-gritting, tired-exhaustion, frustrating, heart-warming, awe-filling, proud-momma, marraige-straining, marraige-building they are the richest most treasured blessings. And I want to live actively present in this blessing, because I've got alot to celebrate! But make no mistake, this is a choice, an active choice.
In this house, we choose to rejoice in the Lord as long as today is called today!
Because that IS the main thing.
Forgive me God for so easily forgetting.
Thank you God for being faithful.
Our God is good! ALL THE TIME HE IS GOOD!
Will you join me?
I invite you to recalibrate your compass with me. I'm striving to ensure I'm not being guided by comfort; but rather that Jesus is my true North.
I invite you to keep your eyes on Jesus through the storms of life.
I invite you to continuously reflect on and remember what God has done for you through salvation and what He continues to do throughout your own life story.
I invite you to rejoice everyday for God is Good, all the time!
"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us --- they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengths our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."
These verses describe my life! Would I ever have chosen cancer? No. Do I think God gave me cancer? No. But being ripped from comfort, thrown into stormy waves, many beautiful things surfaced. I met my Jesus anew, I fell in love with my husband all over again, humanity showed her beautiful compassion to me. These are things that can not be taken from me. This reflects 1 cor 13:13 "there are three things that will ENDURE -- faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love!"
Jesus's love for us wasn't picturesque. No, it was gruesome. Similarly, I've come to see that life's beautiful in an ugly and uncomfortable way. This began to happen when I let Jesus's love take center stage. 1 Cor began to have more meaning when I needed a love that endures all things (vs 7). I desperately needed Jesus's love as my life was exploding. There were many weeks this past year that I clung- desperately clung- to the image of Peter walking on water. The part where he started sinking and freaking out. The part where he is reminded to just keep his eyes on Jesus. Those desperate weeks I felt like peter- sinking. The waves threatened mightily to overtake me, so I just kept looking to Jesus so I could do the impossible- get through the storm that all but engulfed me.
I battled hard for joy, courage, strength, hope, and faith. Jesus said, "if you seek me you will find me if you seek me with your whole heart". So I sought Jesus with my whole heart. And I surrounded myself with an army of Believers.
Now, the Storm has lulled and I feel like maybe we are catching our breaths. Yet, I am reminded to keep actively remembering God's FAITHFULNESS . Just as the Israelites were continuously told to remember and commemorate the faithfulness of God I hear God reminding me of the same.
You see as life is calming down I've starting thinking about things like what will my kids wear for their birthdays, for Halloween costumes, for family photos. These are all good things- but I must remember they are not the main point. Not the main point at all! (I'm reminded of the phrase- let's keep the main thing the main thing) You see life just got really real again in our peripheral life. In the wake of this I see it clearly again: I may not get costumes organized for Halloween or birthday party planned all pinteresty. And that is just fine. That is absolutely fine; because that stuff really doesn't matter. What matters is being actually present to celebrate. Praise God I get to see my twins turn 2! Praise God I get to celebrate my 1 year survivor anniversary! I never want to forget this lesson of what REALLY matters! I am frightened of how easily I felt myself starting to forget. It shocks me that the "norm" around me so easily begins to draw me in. I am appalled that I forget my days to spend with my precious children are limited. Though these days are a smattering of teeth-gritting, tired-exhaustion, frustrating, heart-warming, awe-filling, proud-momma, marraige-straining, marraige-building they are the richest most treasured blessings. And I want to live actively present in this blessing, because I've got alot to celebrate! But make no mistake, this is a choice, an active choice.
In this house, we choose to rejoice in the Lord as long as today is called today!
Because that IS the main thing.
Forgive me God for so easily forgetting.
Thank you God for being faithful.
Our God is good! ALL THE TIME HE IS GOOD!
Will you join me?
I invite you to recalibrate your compass with me. I'm striving to ensure I'm not being guided by comfort; but rather that Jesus is my true North.
I invite you to keep your eyes on Jesus through the storms of life.
I invite you to continuously reflect on and remember what God has done for you through salvation and what He continues to do throughout your own life story.
I invite you to rejoice everyday for God is Good, all the time!
Saturday, September 16, 2017
Tribute to Grandma Rostek
Proverbs 31:28 “Her children stand and bless her.”
Grandparents are very special to me and you Grandma, were a
gift. Marrying your very amazing
grandson, Ryan, brought you into my life. And for that I am so thankful.
You always made me smile, Grandma. You had a way about you which was just so
endearing and your hospitality was unparalleled. Gatherings were centered on plenty of
delicious food (I do miss your Christmas cake at Christmastime!); but your
hospitality was more than just the heaps of food you forcefully put on our
plates. You loved people. You loved
having people around and you loved engaging people in conversation. You made conversation with anyone, even when
you were too deaf to properly hear their responses you tried your very hardest
to talk to everyone. Grandma, your hospitality made it so easy to love you and to
love spending time with you.
Speaking of spending time together, perhaps my fondest
memories with you are of the 2 of us making perogies: rolling dough and
freezing pan after pan of delicious perogies.
You were happy to be busy working productively in the kitchen and I was
happy to be relearning the art of making my favorite childhood food! What simple, but special memories!
Grandma, I don’t think you ever thought of yourself as
old. I remember one time about 10 years
ago when you looked at a picture and seemed so appalled, saying, “But, I look
so ….. old.” Yes, Grandma, most people consider much younger than 85 to be old;
I’m glad you didn’t. You lived a motto
which I sum up as: “You’re only as old as you think you are.” This determined way of living, alongside your
faith in God, encourages me to live strongly and courageously in the LORD, and
I thank you for that!
Grandma I smile when I think of you in heaven. You were committed to God and now you live in
the very home He specially prepared for you!
But, mostly I smile because I think you are dancing again. You told me once how you loved dancing but
that you stopped when you became a Christian.
This was hard for you because you really missed dancing. Well, I believe there’s dancing in heaven;
so, I feel confident that you are dancing once again, this time in the very
presence of Jesus himself!
Grandma, it was very important for you to always wave
goodbye, from the doorway or the window, when we were leaving your place. As
such, I feel that you must have been waving goodbye as you passed from this
earth to heaven; quickly shuffling to some celestial window to bid your family
farewell with a queen-like wave. And Grandma,
one last time we wave back and we thank you for the legacy, your legacy,
which we’re a part of.
You loved your family, Grandma, and we love you!
Commentary on my tribute to Grandma Rostek
I want to post the tribute I wrote for Ryan's Grandma Rostek to be shared at her memorial. But in stopping to write this out as a blogpost there's so much more to say than just my tribute. I loved this woman dearly. Ryan's grandparents were this huge gift to me. I only had one Grandparent left when we were married and joining Ryan's family gave me a whole new set of grandparents.
Elders, our elders are so important. They need to be honored. They need to be loved. They need to be heard, because we need them. We need their wisdom. I read 2 Chronicles 10 a few days ago and it made me pause to remember that we need to listen to the counsel of older people who have gone before us! In this passage King Rehoboam called for the counsel of the men, older men, who had given counsel to his Dad, King Solomon. But then King Rehoboam also asked his peers for advice. It was different advice and he chose to take the advice of his peers over the tried and wise advise of the older men. It didn't end well for him. We need those older men and women to help advise us!!!!
Furthermore, I am deeply struck that the value of life is inherent in life itself. I am beginning to uncover that most people are either not comfortable with or see little value in being present in the end of life. I admit that this surprised me. I've never been uncomfortable with being around very elderly, demented or end of life people. My mom had me volunteering in nursing homes starting in my preteen years, my own grandmother (Elias) developed dementia not much later and in fact I was present when she passed away years later, my Grandpa (Krahn) a few years later, also developed dementia. This probably had a key role in shaping my perception that life has value, just because it's life.
Last month we visited Grandma Rostek. The decline in her well-being and quality of life from the year prior was huge. Here was Grandma at 96 with a healing broken leg, pretty well near deaf, overcome with dementia, and a simply labored existence. But this 15 minute visit was strikingly beautiful and valuable for both her and myself. After we left I am sure that she didn't remember we had been there; but for those minutes we held her hands she knew on some level that she was not alone. She knew that she was loved. She knew that she continued to be treasured. This in and of itself was beautiful. Life in and of itself is beautiful.
I admit that having to stare death in the face with my stage 4 brain cancer diagnosis, alongside my realization that few people feel comfortable in the domain of end of life, has prompted a survey of my own support network to ensure I have adequate support in the worst case scenario. I am at peace knowing I do indeed have the supports I need.
I also am realizing that my love for the elderly is indeed a special gift. I am so thankful for it. And in transparency I share that this week I have petitioned God for my life and for longevity so that I may be there for my parents and parents-in-law as they press in closer to 70 and for the years beyond which likely begin the shift from being the helper to being the helped.
Today, I toast my elders with a whole new appreciation. At the same time, I ask you to survey the value of life in and of itself.
Elders, our elders are so important. They need to be honored. They need to be loved. They need to be heard, because we need them. We need their wisdom. I read 2 Chronicles 10 a few days ago and it made me pause to remember that we need to listen to the counsel of older people who have gone before us! In this passage King Rehoboam called for the counsel of the men, older men, who had given counsel to his Dad, King Solomon. But then King Rehoboam also asked his peers for advice. It was different advice and he chose to take the advice of his peers over the tried and wise advise of the older men. It didn't end well for him. We need those older men and women to help advise us!!!!
Furthermore, I am deeply struck that the value of life is inherent in life itself. I am beginning to uncover that most people are either not comfortable with or see little value in being present in the end of life. I admit that this surprised me. I've never been uncomfortable with being around very elderly, demented or end of life people. My mom had me volunteering in nursing homes starting in my preteen years, my own grandmother (Elias) developed dementia not much later and in fact I was present when she passed away years later, my Grandpa (Krahn) a few years later, also developed dementia. This probably had a key role in shaping my perception that life has value, just because it's life.
Last month we visited Grandma Rostek. The decline in her well-being and quality of life from the year prior was huge. Here was Grandma at 96 with a healing broken leg, pretty well near deaf, overcome with dementia, and a simply labored existence. But this 15 minute visit was strikingly beautiful and valuable for both her and myself. After we left I am sure that she didn't remember we had been there; but for those minutes we held her hands she knew on some level that she was not alone. She knew that she was loved. She knew that she continued to be treasured. This in and of itself was beautiful. Life in and of itself is beautiful.
I admit that having to stare death in the face with my stage 4 brain cancer diagnosis, alongside my realization that few people feel comfortable in the domain of end of life, has prompted a survey of my own support network to ensure I have adequate support in the worst case scenario. I am at peace knowing I do indeed have the supports I need.
I also am realizing that my love for the elderly is indeed a special gift. I am so thankful for it. And in transparency I share that this week I have petitioned God for my life and for longevity so that I may be there for my parents and parents-in-law as they press in closer to 70 and for the years beyond which likely begin the shift from being the helper to being the helped.
Today, I toast my elders with a whole new appreciation. At the same time, I ask you to survey the value of life in and of itself.
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
Good MRI results
Google photos reminded me of these photos from one year ago today. It seems surreal that we had no idea what the next 4 weeks would reveal.
Today I am thankful that my MRI last week was a good report. I'm trusting God as we hope for my remission to be sustained (next MRI is late Nov). And I acknowledge daily that "This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!"
Today I am thankful that my MRI last week was a good report. I'm trusting God as we hope for my remission to be sustained (next MRI is late Nov). And I acknowledge daily that "This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!"
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