Savoring Paradise

How lucky am I to be in this beautiful hotel in this luxurious bed listening to the waves crash outside our room, soaking in the view on this paradise island, Kauai. Beside me is my husband of 9 years, whom I grow to love more with each changing season of life, and within me grows our child, a miracle from God. There have been times leading up to this trip where I have felt like a spoiled child. Vacation to such a location is luxurious and with the amount we have been able to travel, I began to wonder if it is also frivolous. However, sitting here this morning, I set those notions aside and simply praise my God the creator of this beautiful place and ask him (as I have been leading up to this trip also) to use this opportunity of time away in nature “alone” with my husband (the last hoorah, I like to call it!) to bless us and build us. I thank God for this opportunity and for his goodness.

Two days ago I started to read Out live you life by Max Lucado. Normally, Lucado’s writing isn’t my favorite style. However, 2 chapters into this book, he has me hooked. To be honest I wasn’t quite sure what this book would all be about, but I figured it was something to do with making the most out of your life and that is a topic that interests me. The book is about making a difference with our lives and about making an impact so the effects of your life extend beyond your lifetime. It’s got me thinking, like really thinking. And in this act of reading and thinking it driving me to write, and I am reminded again of what my English teacher in high school had posted at the front of the class: “why do we read, why do we write? To learn what we think.” And indeed, this is exactly why I love to read and exactly why I love to write. Both are such gifts granted to me and I am excited to embrace them on this vacation in paradise.

Mmmm, in anticipation of the moments that lie ahead this week, I savor what it means to “get away” and enjoy leisure; to reflect and renew and think about life from a different perspective. To think about what God is doing in my life and how that can change the way I live instead of living in a set track of the day in day out paradigm expectations of our society. And this moment right now, writing in Hawaii listening and viewing the ocean, oh I savor this, having often dreamed of taking a “sabbatical” to come to Hawaii and write. This here, right now, is a dream moment!

Fall Beginnings

Romans 12:1-2 (The Message and NLT)

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Then you will know what God wants you to do [and that] God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

It has been so long since I’ve blogged, and even longer since I’ve really blogged; you know, from deep in my gut. It’s been that I’ve been exhausted and it’s been that I’ve been busy with all the fun things of summer. But really it’s been that I’ve been dry. My passions waned, my dreams lulled into the void of unconsciousness or sub-consciousness, or a place at least where I didn’t access them nor assess them nor live them. And so as the summer has wrapped up and a new season has rolled out, I’ve decided that it’s time for me too, to roll out with a new game plan in hand. Being fall it is fitting to look afresh at the past, the present, and the future. Fitting, for the simple reason, that I love fall and that this particular fall brings with it 2 big events: my 30^th birthday and a growing tummy to accommodate the growing baby within me!

To me there is no more refreshing season than Fall and as long as I have recollection I have loved the onset of Autumn. There is something revitalizing about the change in the air when it takes on crispness and a new sense of freshness. In Saskatoon, this change coincides with the riverside Meewasin trail (my favorite place to run in Saskatoon) turning glorious with the vibrant shades of changing leaves. In Chilliwack I enjoy the dampness that begins to return to the air bringing with it the most wonderful smell of nature that I love to inhale deeply.

Another reason I have long loved September is the start of a new school year. Though I am no longer a student, I thoroughly enjoyed and am thoroughly grateful for all my years of education and I found the first day of school exhilarating. I clearly remember my first day of University walking at 8AM across “the bowl” at the University of Saskatchewan for my first class. I was so nervous I would get lost or be late sometime through out the day; but, I was thrilled to be surrounded by all these building of learning on such a beautiful campus and I had a thrill of equal magnitude my “last first day of school” nine years later when I entered my final year of pharmacy school.

Now as an adult who has (finally—wink, wink) “outgrown” school, my love for fall extends beyond the physical change of the season. It is a time to anticipate the year ahead and strive for personal growth. It is with this mindset that I organized a “retreat” with some close girlfriends a week ago. We spent time alone reflecting, giving space for God to speak and space to think about life. It was a jumping point for passions to begin to infiltrate our minds and hearts and souls and for dreams to come alive with vision. And we wrapped up the “retreat” with an invaluable time of prayer for one another.

From this retreat, the words of Romans 12 came alive and I feel so grateful to have the direction of scripture in navigating this race course of life. These verses explain that if you live with full acknowledgement and deep graciousness for what God has done for you, you will think differently, live differently, and act differently and this way of living will enable you to know what God wants from you. I have asked repeatedly since January, “God what do you want from me?” This scripture answers my long sought question.

You see, at youth we were talking with the students about how we are asked to “collide” our worlds, to let God and what He’s taught us flow over into all realms of our life. And I see this irony because in science and general life, it seems like Murphy’s law takes place and collisions occur naturally. However, when applied to spiritual life, causing collisions of my internal faith with that around me, well, it has to be orchestrated and it requires an input of energy. And so, I have not been so good at creating these collisions nor even knowing how to create these collisions and so I’ve been asking God “What do you want from me?” But, in Romans 12 God voice reveals the answer to the question: I want you to live in deep gratitude of what I have done for you and allow that to transform you and then through that daily transformation you will understand and see what I want from you. That’s how God gives sight and insight.

I think of Eve as she eats the forbidden fruit. She was promised by the Deceiver that the fruit would open her eyes. Just like Eve, I want my eyes opened too, that I can know how to get more out of this life. But the answer is not what our deceitful world teaches. I will not get more out of life when I have more money, more comfort, more prestige. I will get more out of life when I fully accept and live the acceptance that Jesus has given and claim his promise that he will give “more and better life than [I could] ever dream of.” (John 10:10, The message).

Romans 12 further asks me to fix my attention on God. And I found that the answer to how I fix my attention on God is quite simple: Read scripture (I’ve been doing quite well at this since January when I implemented my journey through the bible with a reading plan, if you exclude July and August), create space for God to speak (I naturally love reflection), and pray (here’s the kicker- I’m not so ‘good’ at praying). Clearly, to fix my eyes on Jesus takes a specific discipline that I must be willing to implement, however that looks in my life.

And this all links back to what Ann Voskamp has been saying in her book, 1000 gifts: live a life looking for God’s blessings in the hum-drum of daily life and it will transform you. And why can Ann write a whole book about this subject, when it is summed up in 2 verses in Romans 12? The answer is simply because it’s a struggle and a well-worth while one.

My Summer Vacation

It is hard to believe that August is wrapping up and soon fall and all the programs it brings will be ramping up. And as I title my blog entry today, I reflect nostalgically on the days when my summer vacation was 2 months long! Well I’m not that hard done by, but I could have handled a few extra days off this summer to embark on more adventure and build into relationships; but the 13 days off that I mustered (working 9 days in a row to get the extra days off felt like it nearly killed me this go around!) were filled with much warmth and friendship.

It is always good to go back home. Saskatchewan. Home. And this summer Ryan and I enjoyed making a road trip out of it. We charted new territory heading to Swift Current. In fact it felt odd to enter Banff from “the other side”. On the way we popped into Okotoks for a free bed and to give our nephew and niece hugs and kisses; my sister and her family are quite well situated for a mid trip visit. Rolling into Swift Current you realize why “life makes sense” (their slogan) there: it’s because not much changes in 9 months. It’s a thrill to spot the one or two minor changes that may have occurred. This year there was an addition to the regional college and *gasp* an LED sign placed at the bottom of the overpass (my mother has decided this sign does NOT make sense to her).

We had a great time celebrating mom’s 60^th birthday along with many relatives by having a BBQ and cake in park. I had fun organizing the BBQ and it was a big success. It was good to reconnect with aunts and uncles, cousins, and new additions to my cousins’ families. We later were able to head to our friends’ place for dessert; friends that we met in Saskatoon, reconnected with in Chilliwack, and now who live in Swift Current!

Pack up the car from Mom and Dad’s place and next stop Palliser Beach on Diefenbaker lake. Pit stop: Ryan’s aunt and uncle’s place in Herbert. We enjoyed a nice visit (and delicious cheese and bacon biscuits!!!) at Ryan’s aunt and uncles before connecting with our dear friends Brad and Ashley at Palliser Beach. Our time there was beautiful, including 3 straight days of mysteriously calm south Saskatchewan weather. The guys ripped it up on the wakeboard and all our bellies were so full from the delicious eats that they felt as big as Ashley’s belly (she’s 8 months pregnant!) We cleaned up the cabin at Palliser Beach (thanks Ashley’s mom and dad!) and headed up to Saskatoon: last stop on our Saskatchewan journey!

In Saskatoon we had supper with Grandma Braun one night, another night was dinner with the whole Rostek family and some extra alone time visiting with Grandma Rostek. I was able to visit my good friend Erin. And Ryan and Brad even managed to get tickets to the Rider game and drive down to Regina for an evening (Ashley, Erin and I enjoyed the game from the comfort of the couch)! Nice to visit family and friends in Saskatoon, but we sure do find it to be a busy city these days.

Then it was pack up and drive home time! More quality time with my awesome hubby, a brief one night stay in Valemount on the drive home and arrival back to our welcoming kitty cat in lovely Chilliwack!

And that was my summer vacation!

My New Favorite Place

I have a thankful heart. This book I’ve been reading really is helping me to savour the beautiful in my life. One of my favorite places/experiences is to run on the trails in the trees at Cultus Lake. I am so thankful for my dear running partner, Sarah, for introducing me to them and loving going there with me (she is also the one who lent me this book to read!). So what I have been learning about the last few days started on the drive back from Cultus Lake after a run last week. In that drive I began to learn more about TRUST.

As I was driving, feeling fabulous from my run in the “forest”, I was simply overcome by a strong sense of trust: trust in my God. I experienced trust in Him because I knew that He would care for me no matter what happens in the days ahead. It was comforting. It parallels the same experience I have with my earthly father; I know that my dad believes in me no matter what path of life I choose to take. I can see it in his eyes, hear it in his words, and sense it in his hugs. My dad loves his girl, his daughter, and I can trust in that love. However, even more than my earthly dad loves me, my Heavenly Father loves me so much more. I trust with a knowing trust, that God believes so deeply in the work of my life because I am His child and He is so deeply invested in me. When I understand this it compels me to practice trust in Him and to feel safe in that trust.

It was a day or two later that the book I am reading, 1000 gifts, turned from talking about giving thanks in everything to look for the small and wonderful blessings through out the day, to talking about trust. And she coherently linked these two concepts in such a way that as the pages speak on and on about trust, I had to stop and think: “my God is speaking to me about trust this week!” Why trust? Why is God speaking to me about trust? I don’t know. But He has also helped me to experience it this past week. And that is a beautiful place to be.

Listen to the words of Ann Voskamp.

Thanks [to God] is what builds trust [in Him]. (p150)

Much of the worry in my own life has been a failure to believe…a wariness to thank and trust the love hand of God….

I make soup and I bake bread and I know my supreme need is joy in God and I know I can’t experience deep joy in God until I deep trust in God. I shine sinks and polish through to the realization that trusting God is my most urgent need. If I deep trusted God in all the facets of my life, wouldn’t that deep heal my axiety, my self-condemnation, my soul holes? (p149)

If God didn’t withhold from us His very own Son, will God withhold anything we need? If trust must be earned, hasn’t God unequivocally earned our trust with the bark on the raw wounds, the thorns pressed into the brow, your name on the cracked lips? How will He not also graciously give us all things He deems best and right? He’s already given the incomprehensible. (p155)

Now I don’t know why these words and experiences of trust have come to me, but I do know it is a concept and an experience I haven’t explored much previously. Perhaps it follows that I’ve cried out to God to bless me and He replies, “give thanks and trust in me and you will see your blessings already present, and you will see your abundant blessings to come.” I invite you to explore trust in our good God together with me and discover one of my new favorite places.

Psalm 139 and then some

If you don't already know that I would love to write a non-fiction book, today should clarify that intention! It's a lengthy post, but Mmmm life is too good not to share :)

Today I read again Psalm 139. It is on my reading track for June 21, but I have fallen behind and so I read it a few days ago. I pick up my bible again. I admit my moments in the bible and in prayer have been sparse these days. But I revisit this Psalm. It is a good one. Let me share God’s words and my own.

O Lord you have examined my heart and you know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my every thought when far away.

My God is so incredibly present in my life, even in the days when I scarcely acknowledge His existence. He takes my heart on as His own. He knows what vies for my time. He knows what challenges my balance. He knows the struggles of my mind and the struggles of my hands. He knows that which I don’t take time to think about because I don’t want to elucidate the thought. He knows what breaks my heart and He sees the simple joys of life that bless my soul. My God is present in my workday, He is present in my trail run, He is present when I scramble to make supper, He is present when I kiss my husband goodnight.

You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment you know where I am. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD.

My God charts my path. He charts this path that looks so questionable to me. He charts this path that doesn’t make sense. And why is this good? This is good because it means the God that controls the laws of the universe, is guiding my trajectory. It is good because it means that when I just don’t seem to know about the future I don’t have to worry about having the answers; when I feel lost I can know that I am never lost because my path is determined by the One who breathed human life into existence.

You both precede and you follow me. You place Your hand of blessing on my head.

God wants to bless me. Over and over the last few months God has spoken in whispers, in steady voices, in strong resonations: I want to bless you, Cheryl, my child! My grandmother said to me, in front of the whole congregation, at my baptism: Your God will never leave you or forsake you. My God has preceded me. And I have the confidence, the assurance that He will follow me into the lives I will touch. So I ask tonight of my God, “Pour Your blessings into my life! I open my arms and I look to the heavens and I ask You to rain Your blessings in and through me. Saturate me. Soak me with your blessings that anyone who sees me will see that I have been blessed. Let me drip with your merciful blessings.” I thank my God for His desire to bless me; I think myself small and then I remind myself of course I am small, I am a child, but I am GOD’S child.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to know!

How I struggle with my friends who battle infertility. It doesn’t make sense, does it? But even though God has my path mapped out and knows my heart and wants to bless me, what that looks like, is too incomprehensible.

I can never escape from your spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; If I go down to the place of the dead you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there you hand will guide me and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night- but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are both alike to you.

No wonder God’s ways don’t make sense. God can penetrate the darkness. Darkness cannot be dark when God is present, and God is present with me wherever I go.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous- and how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

Oh the preciousness of life in the womb! At this I cry out that God would knit a child in my womb, a child that I can love and raise to love God! I love to teach and I long to watch my children learn to love their Jesus as their Savior. I long for children that, even with my awful singing voice, I can teach to sing God’s praises. I long to have children that can themselves teach me, their mother, about God’s love and His simple joys and blessings. I long for children that will show me what really matters.

I pause. I get teary eyed here. I know I want to be a mom, but as I think about the day I got to spend with my niece and my nephew, and the joy and curiosity of my 3 year old nephew and the preciousness of these vital years for him to learn, when I think of this and the family (sandwich) hug Ryan and I gave him before bed, and when I put my words on paper, well, I really know I want to be a mom.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

There is much for me in the present day. Time marches on month by month. And over these months blessing fill me. I thank God for these moments of opportunity to remind myself why I want to be a mom. In the loss and the waiting, I haven’t taken time to listen to my heart, my mom-heart. Not being a mom, I can forget what compels me, because I get locked in the world without children. It is easier to live in that world. Indeed, it is the world I have lived in for 29 years and it a world that hasn’t disappointed me. It has not disappointed me. Oh the blessings I have received in my little life!!! I am so thankful for my beautiful husband of 9 years. I have a marriage united in friendship, adventure, love, respect, and a mutual love for God our Saviour. I am so thankful for my awesome community. I have shared already about the joys of relationship in this place of Chilliwack and beyond. Similarly, I am thankful for my great relationships with my family. As we came home from Okotoks we both felt this compelling desire to spend as much time as possible with our family. I am so thankful for my wonderful job. Oh how blessed I am to have opportunity to receive not 1 but 2 University degrees. I am so thankful for my education and for my opportunity to be (hopefully!) a good leader at work to my coworkers, and to make a difference in the lives of my patients. I wait to be a mom, but oh as I wait the life of today is lush with blessings if I take time to look at them.

I am reading this book 1000 gifts by Ann Koskamp. It’s all about looking at the ordinary moments in life and seeking out the beautiful in them. We are surrounded by moments of wonder if we choose to look for them. Life is made up of ordinary moments sprinkled with extraordinary. Capture those moments by living in them and loving them.

So on that note I thank God for the moment yesterday where I paused on the pathway to watch the leaves flutter beautifully in the wind. They danced on their short stems dazzling me. Simple. Beautiful. Ordinary.

And so, it is good to reflect on ever wise scripture (oh to meet David in heaven!), it is good to remember why I want to be a mom, it is good to look at the blessings granted me thus far, and it is good to look for the simple blessings of today.

The Prayer of Jabez revisited

Today in reading the scriptures Psalms 127: 3 makes me stop. “Children are a gift from the Lord.” It almost hurts to read these words when we are surrounded by miscarriage and barrenness in so many relationships. The words of my dear friend reverberate in my mind: barrenness is not of the Lord. I agree. It is not the Lord’s desire for us to be barren. And so I think of the little book that was popular a few years ago, which my mother gave me a copy of: The Prayer of Jabez, by Bruce Wilkinson. This book builds a message on the verse I Chronicles 4:9 “Oh that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.”

So today I pray with scripture to support me: “Oh that You would bless me and I ask that you bless me with the gift of a child! That you would enlarge my family and my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, and remove this barrenness.”

I know that God wants to bless His children! I know this and yet, I hesitate to pray with confidence this prayer for blessing into my life and into the lives of those so dear waiting for children.

Bruce Wilkinson says in his book (p23):

When we ask for God’s blessing, we’re not asking for more of what we could get for ourselves. We’re crying out for the wonderful, unlimited goodness that only God has the power to know about or give to us.

In the past months it has come to my attention that I cannot create a child on my own accord. Sure my husband and I can try and it seems that a child should be created. But month after month, we still wait. Our friends still wait. The science of it is well known, and yet it doesn’t always work. A child is a miracle of God. This has become so evident!

In a way this reminds me of when I was first learning to drive. My mom took me to a large parking lot. She spoke to me of the power of the vehicle I was about to drive. She cautioned me that she thought I was over-confident, that she thought I didn’t fully grasp the position driving this vehicle placed me in. She instructed me that I was driving a vehicle with much capability and that was to be taken seriously to avoid harm. Now too, I think back 10 months, to first trying to have a child. I was confident, cocky even. We’ll have no problem with this. We’re healthy, we’re educated, we understand science. We can make a baby, and in fact I think we can make one in quick time. Sure I prayed for wisdom to raise a child. But did I pray for the procreation of that child? No. Without realizing it I felt I didn’t need God’s hands to create the child. Ten months ago I did not grasp that the procreation of life is a blessing and complete miracle of God. So as my mother sought to speak words of instruction into my life that day in our mini-van to help me grasp that which I, in my over-confidence, didn’t acknowledge or understand, in these 10 months the Lord has spoken wise words into my life which have humbled me.

Perhaps the parallels of these 2 examples seem somewhat weak to you. However, I spend time on a weekly basis with teenagers as a youth leader. Getting your drivers license is HUGE when you are in high-school. It is, for most of the students, the biggest accomplishment yet of their lives. It is a token of growing up, of independence, of capability. I remember clearly getting my drivers license. Next comes graduation, then (for me, this order) marriage, convocation, passing a stressful exam to become licensed as a professional. Next step: start a family. As our lives pace forward there are these momentous steps and at each step there is much to be learned. Much to be learned.

So today I pray expectantly. I pray that God would bless Ryan and I with the gift of a child. A gift that only God can give. I ask that God would expand our territory, our opportunity zone to share His great goodness. I pray that God’s hand would be on our family. I pray that He would protect us from evil. I pray that He would fill us with the Holy Spirit and that we would have ears to hear and eyes to see.

And in this prayer, I pray the same thing for those dear to me. For those who have lost children in the past and await the cries of their child in their arms: for CF & VF, for JW & AW, for RF & TF, for NT & MT, for RM & MM, for MK& AK, and for BG& JG.

And for those dear to us who await the birth of their child, who have not endured miscarriage and loss, but who hope for a healthy child growing within them and for wisdom to raise them well: for JR & CR, for CS & ES, for BM & AM.

"You know beyond a doubt that you were redeemed for this: to ask Him for the God-sized best He has in mind for you, and to ask for it with all your heart." (Prayer of Jabez, p91)

The joys of life:Half marathon and patio furniture

Here I am enjoying my new place of “retreat”: the deck. We got this fabulous outdoor furniture and our whole family loves it, Fritz included, in fact there he is sitting on a chair beside me having a bath! So though the day is cool and overcast and I am wearing 2 sweaters, have a blanket, and have my fluffy lamb slippers on (truly why not wear them outside since I haven’t had much opportunity to don them since my mom gave them to me in April), I am thoroughly enjoying this opportunity to retreat to the outdoors, while enjoying the convenience of being at home!

This is a blog of a different sort for me today. Perhaps it is more of what you expect from most blogs: an update of the past days in my life. I am excited to take this opportunity to sit down and write. It feels I have been away from my word documents too much lately, caught up in the busyness of work, I suppose? Whatever the reason, it is good to write, but at the same time I don’t know that I have any pearls to share and so it will be.

Race Day: Race day was more than I had hoped it to be. I felt great that day! My legs were strong, my lungs were fit, and as the race progressed I experienced the fuel of competition and race day excitement that drove my performance. I finished well and am proud of my first half-marathon time of 2 hours 47 seconds.* At the finish line I was greeted by Ryan and friends, how fabulous to do this together! And my friend gave me a lovely card at the finish line which she had made. Its words were perfect for that day, it read: “prayer for a symbolic day, persevere, strength to endure, comfort in His love to rest”. I called the day a beautiful ‘distraction’ but it was more than that and I am glad my soul was well that day.

Now to hope that summer weather will actually come. Regardless of the weather, however, I look forward to watersliding, white water rafting, hiking, camping (if we get organized enough), and putting the zodiac boat in the lake. And of course, enjoying time in the fresh outdoors, even while at home!!!! Ryan and I stop to acknowledge how lucky we are to live where we do on many occasions. I walk to the grocery store and I soak in the view of the mountains. I wake each morning to look out my living room window to see how much snow has melted off Cheam mountain. If we want to go for a hike, it’s minutes away to the trail head. I was out at Cultus Lake this morning running in the forest (aka the horse trails). I take one step outdoors and I can immediately smell nature. The air out here smells so green. You can smell the trees and water and air. I love it! This is where I live! Day in day out, this is home! Breathe deep the blessings!

(*I am thankful for my running partner, Sarah. There is no way I could have done this race without her. And to boot she’s an awesome personal trainer/group fitness instructor to help anyone with their fitness goals, whatever they are. Check her out at lightenupfitness.blogspot.com)