Race Day Reflections

I have now completed the 30KM run around Cultus Lake aptly named Around the Lake Give ‘R Take 30.  It felt different crossing the finish line for this race than it did when I completed my half-marathon a year and a half ago.  In the latter I had this incredible high and an incredible sense of accomplishment, second only to giving birth to my daughter.  But today, I feel more of contentment.  The run was challenging and the training to get there was arduous; but doing the actually race was simply enjoyable.  And the finish line filled me with a huge amount of thankfulness.  Yes, I am incredibly thankful for my health and the capability of my body.  However, even more than that I am so deeply thankful for my husband and my daughter.

It was just yesterday that I got this notion that I was running this race for Rayna.  I’ve been excited that I would dress Rayna in her Puma ‘running’ outfit for race day.  But as I was feeding Rayna breakfast yesterday I began to tune my thoughts to my last race.  I started thinking about how that race was on the day that was the due date of our first child who was miscarried and how I especially chose to run that race with that in mind.  And here, present this race day, is my beautiful daughter.  I started to think about seeing her at the finish line dressed in her oh so cute outfit and I decided this race is for her in some way or fashion.  My excitement grew and I was very much looking forward to giving her a big soggy hug at the completion of my run! 

I began to feel emotional as I approached the finish line.  Like I could have cried had I wanted to (I did not).  So as I neared the finish line and saw my handsome husband with his camera ready I felt such complete gratitude. There before me was my incredibly supportive husband.  And right by him was my daughter in my mother in law’s arms.  My absolutely beautifully precious daughter.  As the hours pass since that moment, I am realizing to an even greater extent that I am immeasurably blessed to have a beautiful family that I love so inexplicably completely. 

Now as I eat my post run Smart Pop laden with loads of butter, I think of the beautiful golden leaves that surrounded me on parts of my run and I am turned to think of thanksgiving.  Not Thanksgiving, as in a single day to demonstrate thankful hearts, but thanksgiving, a state of heart that embraces all these moments that make up the path of life and appreciates each one of them for where they take us. 

These thoughts compel to speak my heart right here and say: Thank you Ryan for being the man of my dreams, a husband I can pride myself to stand beside, and an incredible father who makes his daughter laugh like no one else and who will garners the utmost respect as she grows up.

So how was my trail race?  It was really great.  And was it worth all the love/hate training feelings I had?  Absolutely.  Even when I popped out a rib? Certainly.

Yeah, this trail race was real good and this one was for you pretty girl!  Your mama loves you so much. 

Hug Someone You Love

What is it that us humans so easily forget about our mortality?  We strive to push harder, become stronger, build higher, and achieve greater excellence.  These are the power words we want to flourish our resumes with.  We try to defy the hours of the day by minimizing sleep and maximizing our caffeine consumption.  We think that if we can just ignore these signs of being flesh and blood that daily grows older and weaker and more vulnerable, perhaps we will beat the odds.  But the odds are 0.  We are born, we live, we die.  These bones will not defy death.

Now you may ask, why such pessism?  Should we not embrace the life that we have?  Absolutely.  But I am reminded in these moments that we can not fully embrace life without countering it with death.  It is in these moments that my back aches from a knot that spontaneously appeared.  Last week it was right low back, today it is my left shoulder.  I am training for this feat of accomplishment: a 30 KM run around the lake in the mountainous trails.  It is arduous, but I am committed.  I will do this.  And then my body reminds me, I am flesh and blood and I am innately a weak and vulnerable being.  I am 30 years old; young, but not that young guess what? I’m getting older every day.  Which means it is likely that these sorts of ailments will only become more frequent.  I try to be healthy and I stay fit; but that only goes so far.  Yesterday I could not even lift my daughter.  My daughter who I painfully and beautifully gave birth too in the most incredible physical feat of all, only 6 months ago.

It is in having my daughter that I am reminded of the dependency bell curve of life.  We start dependent and we end in some level of dependency too.  I was pushing my daughter in a stroller when I was running this past week and a middle-age man commented about how we start as we end.  From diapers to incontinence supplies.  From stroller to wheelchair.  And sadly as I am starting to feed my daughter solid foods and she opens wide to tell me she’s ready for more, I am reminded of feeding my grandmother her meals in the end stages of her Alzheimer-ridden life. 

I am near the height of the bell-curve and that is why it is so demoralizing that I have an injury.  For the most part this body does me so well.  I am near the height of the bell curve and so I do not let death hold much real estate in my mind.  Foolishly, I was near whimsical during my own mother’s recent health ordeal.  She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 7 months pregnant.  But, immediately she was given the assurance that it was not life-threatening.  What an assurance that was!  However, in the knowledge of medicine having my mom’s case under control I selfishly found myself thus annoyed that her health would delay her ability to come and visit me and our first born baby.  Annoyed not at my mother, but at the situation.  Annoyed.  I balk at that now as I am reminded of the fragility of life.  My mother too, is not that far from the height of the bell curve of life (though granted on the other side of it); but her life is still delicate, just like mine and just like my daughter’s. 

When we acknowledge death, life in and of itself becomes fragile.  So today I am grateful for the lives around me, for the life within me.  And as disappointed as I was that I could not do my training trail run yesterday and my hopefulness for, but uncertainty of completing the trail race itself, I am thankful for the reminder that each action of life from conceiving, to breathing, to sharing life with cherished family, to running up mountainsides is a gift.  Just as I am thankful for the spiritual and emotional life that Jesus gives, so too, I am thankful for the physical breath God has given these lungs.

Genesis 2:7

“And the LORD God formed a man’s body from the dust of the ground and breathed into it the breath of life.  And man became a living person.”

John 10:10

[Jesus says] “I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.”

Psalm 39:4-7

“LORD, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.

Remind me that my days are numbered, and that my life is fleeing away.

My life is no longer than the width of my hand.

An entire lifetime is just a moment to you;

Human existence is but a breath.

We are merely moving shadows,

And all our busy rushing ends in nothing.

We heap up wealth for someone else to spend.

And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?

My only hope is in you.”   

So I will probably continue to push, become, build and achieve.  But I hope my new “life-resume” will begin a little more like this: Cheryl Rostek is an accomplished appreciator of  every opportunity she is given and that she creates to cherish the God-given life within her and surrounding her.

Cheesy? Yeah.  But you get my point.  Now go hug someone you love.    

It was the summer of 2012

My friend Rebekah’s request for a blog post is all the encouragement I need to gather my thoughts and get some writing up on this blog (it’s a bit of a long one people!).  It’s been a busy, wonderful summer and we are enjoying a week of reprieve before we set off for a final mini-trip to the lake to meet our friends from Calgary.  In the busyness it has been a bit difficult to find moments where I’m able to gather my thoughts.  I like it when I’m always pondering and reflecting and growing personally and spiritually.  However, it is in moments after temporary busyness that I am able to revel in the small pleasures and blessings, like Tuesday afternoon when Rayna had a particularly long nap and I simply sat outside on our ‘couch’, closed my eyes and just embraced the still moment of nothing being required of me.

Three weeks of our summer was spent traveling in Saskatchewan.  I will share what I wrote while we were driving home below.  Otherwise, I have been enjoying working on my novel.  It is slow (because I’m not spending as much time at it as I like), but sure.  And every time I sit down and write I love being with my characters more and more.  What else can I say other than that I think I’m on track for finishing my first draft by the time I go back to work in March and I think I actually have a good read (I really like it anyway!).  And then there is running.  I find myself thankful for many small things, but particularly 2 things: every single moment I am blessed to share with my daughter and the amazing capability of my body to push and perform.  I am training for the ’30 give ‘er take’ which is a 30km run around Cultus Lake.  In the hills.  It is incredible to run in the trails.  Sometimes I’m not sure if I can do it, but as of last week my running partner, Sarah, and I have implemented a jump in the lake at the end: so worth it!  There is nothing like running a couple hours and then jumping, running clothes and all, into the chill lake.  It’s refreshing and invigorating and makes me feels like a giddy kid.  So come October I will be running this race (probably not jumping in the lake after it given the time of year), whether I am completely ready or not!  And until then I am going to be spending more $ on groceries as I feel like I have the appetite of a teenage boy; with nursing and long runs I am literally always hungry and trying to keep myself healthily fueled.

This summer has also been spent sending friends off in love.  In spring our dear friends moved firstly to Surrey, then back to Manitoba to spend some time there prior to moving overseas.  And then we packed up our other dear friends and bid them farewell to Alberta where we anticipate a rich, fresh life for them.  However, we still have many wonderful friends still here and were excited to be able to join Chris and Vicky at Chilliwack Lake for Rayna’s first camping adventure.  She did awesome sleeping in the tent which was pitched and waiting upon our arrival.  My favorite moment being the morning when she woke up and first rolled to her left and saw me lying there and you could see it in her head ‘Mom?’ and then she rolled to her right and there was Ryan and she surely was thinking ‘Dad?  What are you guys doing sleeping in my bed?’  Oh how I love my precious munchkin!  We also had the honor of watching the Roughriders lose both in Regina and then in Vancouver.  I still carry my green-pride, though I think Ryan’s may be waning now.  But let’s not spend our time talking about the Roughriders.

           

            Saskatchewan.  Always home.  Here are the highlights of Saskatchewan 2012 trip.

Homeward bound.  What a fantastic summer vacation, introducing Rayna to Saskatchewan and to many new faces.  As we entered our home province I was captivated by a sense of freedom: the expansive plains and the crisp clean clear skies made me breathe deep.  It is a different kind of freedom to see the horizon continue miles in the distance; different than the freedom experienced by conquering a mountain by hiking to its summit.  The fields were beautiful and it was great to see blue in the skies that I hadn’t for some time: a blue that is unadulterated, unpolluted, and free of cloud.  And then my captivation of the nature beginning to surround me became obstructed by a phenomenon I had forgotten:  a windshield full of bug guts.  Big juicy bugs splattered all over the glass and streaky bug guts from trying unsuccessfully to clear them with the wipers.  How could I have forgotten?

En route Rayna was able to ‘catch up’ with Auntie Carmen and cousin Kaleb in Okotoks.  Rayna and Kaleb even got mistaken for twins in the double stroller!  Of course, it was wonderful for Grandma and Grandpa Elias to see Rayna again when we reached Swift Current.  She had grown so much in size and development in the 2 months since they had seen her last.  At Grandma and Grandpa’s house cousins Rachael and Isaiah awaited Rayna’s arrival during their 1 week stay away from their Mom and Dad.  Rayna got lots of attention.  Isaiah ‘read’ her books.  And Rachael spent much time an inch away from her face saying hello and stroking her hair with her index finger.  Rachael also loved to hold Rayna, though only for a moment before saying “go to Mommy” and pushing her out of her arms.  Rachael also loved to declare “Rayna nice.”  We went to the farm (my mom’s cousin’s farm) Friday before Carmen and Jason returned to relieve Grandma and Grandpa of full time duties.  At the farm Rayna met my second cousins and her 3^rd cousins and Wanda of course!  Wanda (my mom’s cousin) is a hit with the kids and we are so glad to have her farm as a place to take the kids.  Rayna even experienced her first quad ride! 

Rayna also enjoyed a day with Grandma and Grandpa and Auntie and Uncle and cousins while we went off to watch the Roughriders (lose) with Chris and Vicky and Chris’ family.  After the game we met up with my friend, Megan (and Bevan).  A late night home and a new day, Sunday meant more visits with more family.  Our family BBQ brought more introductions of Rayna to her second cousins and great aunts and uncles.  Ryan and Jason and Chris made some new friends and played football in bare feet and managed to come away free of much muscle pain.  We also managed a chance encounter with friends Mark and Erynn, followed by a wonderful dinner at their place a couple days later. 

It was a full house at my parents until Carmen and Jason packed up their family, dog included, and squeezed into their Jetta car bound for home in Okotoks.  That was Monday.  Tuesday we all slept.  A lot.  Rayna couldn’t nap enough!  Those cousins of hers are hard work!  We enjoyed a few more days in Swift before heading on to Saskatoon. 

With a bit of miscommunication we arrived at Ryan’s aunt Bonnie’s place Thursday night at 10 PM unexpected to her!  It all worked out just fine and we enjoyed our luxury accommodations at her place and began a new onslaught of visits.  Friday held breakfast, lunch, and supper dates!  First Great Grandma Braun and Great Aunt Shelley, then Great Uncle Darryl, then Brad and Ashley and Raymond.  What an exciting introduction to almost 1 year old Raymond!  He loved her pink button on her jeans and they smiled and talked.  

Saturday, I had a lovely breakfast with my friend Erin followed by an afternoon family BBQ with Ryan’s cousins and introductions to Rayna’s second cousins.  Sunday we introduced Rayna to the Meewasin trail and took her swimming at the pool with Brad, Ashley and Raymond.  Try as he could, Raymond couldn’t get Rayna to hold his hand (Rayna was getting a bit short on sleep by this point and it took everything just to stop her from crying).  But, no time for a nap, straight to another family dinner and a chance to meet Great Grandma Rostek. 

One more full day and full it was.  Rayna met yet more second cousins, on my side.  We had a wonderful visit at my Auntie Anne and Uncle Kip’s place with them and my cousins and cousins’ kids.  Luckily, Rayna managed a nap there before it was off to Great Grandma Rostek’s and then Fuddruckers, of course, for supper.  Following was a night with Brad and Ashley playing Dutch Blitz.  Maybe it was me, but I feel perhaps parenthood has slowed our evening play of this game…or maybe that’s just my excuse for not winning!  One more sleep in Bonnie’s comfie bed for us (and in Bonnie’s closet for Rayna!) and one more breakfast date with Great Grandma Braun before we packed our bags.

Though, this was not the end of our visits!  Oh no, Rayna, you will learn, if you haven’t already there are many faces to see.  We enjoyed another Breakfast date with Ryan’s longtime friend, Pam, in Edmonton.  And now it is off to Hinton for a dinner date with my wonderful former coworker, Laurie, before stepping foot on BC soil in Valemount.  One more sleep until we return home to Chilliwack.  We’re a-coming Fritzy boy, we’re a-coming!

What a fabulous trip.  Rayna has learned that she can stay up past 6:30PM (her usual bedtime)! That sometimes there’s just no time for napping!  That great family and friends are so important and they love her dearly.  And that we love Saskatchewan (and the Saskatchewan Roughriders---even when they lose) even though we live in a province that claims to be the best place on earth.  We have ourselves a good little traveler and thoroughly enjoyed Saskatchewan road trip 2012!               

Women of Impact: Story 2. Kerri

I reconnected with one of my first ‘college’ roommates the other day over Facebook chat.  She is a Facebook friend I rarely see.  But unlike other Facebook friends who may really not be friends at all, this woman has exemplified devoted friendship. 

When I moved to Saskatoon to go to University I lived in a house with 4 other girls that I previously had no connection to.  My friend was one of these girls.  I was new in town with pretty much no one to hang out with.  However, there was no time to be lonely.  My first evening after moving in she invited me to come out with her and a friend.  And so that evening I cruised 8^th street in a pick-up truck!  While in other circumstances the idea of driving up and down a main street in Saskatoon wouldn’t have thrilled me, that night that was, like, the best invitation ever!  My friend took the effort and made me feel amazingly welcome.  She has this special gift of naturally making any situation a fun place to be and we had so many great times together that year and the photos to prove it!  

My friend is able to impact lives through her invitingly fun personality and her willingness to initiate friendships.  However, she doesn’t just initiate friendships she is a friend that you can count on to make the extra effort.  My wedding date fell on the weekend that she was to write her certifying exam at the end of her veterinary technician course.  Bummer, right?  Well she didn’t hesitate for a moment.  She made arrangements to drive all the way to Edmonton to write the exam on a different date, so she could attend my wedding.  That was more than a gesture of friendship.  That was an exemplary action of how committed to friendship this woman is.  She loves her friends and she makes sure she shows it.

I mentioned that I hardly see this friend.  This is true.  In the past few years I have seen her once or twice.  However, again just recently she blessed my heart.  She was going through a difficult situation and found my blog and just encouraged me incredibly by taking the time to open up to me about her situation and share with me how my blog gave her the words she needed in those moments.  I admire this woman for how easy she makes it to be real together.  Life is full of many people living 2 lives: one on the surface and one underneath.  But this woman lets you into her life, the one underneath, so that she only lives one life, and because of this you feel so special to be blessed with sharing this life with her.  And you know, that she cares about not only what’s on the surface of your life, but also what’s in the guts and depths of your life too.  Indeed, she is exactly the friend you are so glad to have graced your life.

My friend is an incredible woman of impact through her gift of giving meaningful friendship.  And for that I thank her.    

My Body: A Temple

Today I listened to the daily audio bible as I was doing some of my yoga stretches.  I’m a bit dismayed by how my body feels these days.  It aches from the way I hold Rayna.  It feels beat up from a 5 Km run.  It’s tight, it feels weaker than I think it should, and it seems to be holding onto those last few pregnancy pounds with an extra tight grip.  But as I stretch my body, it responds.  And as I push my body athletically, it performs.  And as I look in the mirror, I know that my body is beautiful regardless of the extra pounds, because it is my physical house here on earth and a gift from God.  And so I embrace my body and marvel at its wonder this morning. 

I love, like really love, physical activity.  There is nothing like running and hiking and strengthening my body.  Sometimes it is really difficult.  Just on Sunday when I was running with Ryan and Rayna I was complaining about being hungry, about the run feeling so much harder than I thought it should, etc.  I complained for a full 10 minutes off and on before I realized what a whiny-pants I was.  Then on completion of the run I thought, “Wow, that was a good run!”  Good.  Good because it was done, for one; but, also good because I am so thankful for my physical vessel.  I am aware that some people’s bodies fail them early in life and so I am thankful for each step I can walk, each push-up I can do, each moment I can pick up my daughter and hold her soft skin close to my own.

We have fascinatingly beautiful bodies.  I have a degree in Biochemistry.  The chemistry of the body is absolutely mind-blowing, from the Krebs cycle* to the central dogma.  It is so intricate, it is so precise, it is so orderly.  Our God is the Creator, undoubtedly when you look at our bodies!  Furthermore, I have had the blessing of being pregnant with and delivering my daughter.  The miracle of pregnancy and child-birth are unparalleled.  Feeling Rayna kick me in the womb was ‘crazy’.  When I stopped to think about it and the growing child within me it was indescribable.  While I have believed in God for as long as I can remember, in this experience it was so evident that truly it is only possible for a child to develop within me by the hand of our God.  In addition, child birth was incredible.  Incredibly painful, yes; but, pushing my daughter out of my body with all my might was like no other experience.  When I crossed the finish line of my half-marathon last year, I was overwhelmed by the high and the accomplishment.  But that was nothing compared to child-birth.  When my daughter was born, I have never felt more proud of myself and I have never been so overwhelmed with such pure and complete satisfaction.  This body of mine is indeed amazing.

In I Corinthians 6:19-20 the bible tells us that our “bod[ies are] a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in [us], whom [we] have received from God.” A temple that is what my body is!  It is a gift and as a Christ-follower it houses the very spirit of God.  Furthermore, I Timothy 4:8 tells us that “while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.”  Therefore, I conclude with resolve to embrace with thanksgiving every opportunity to train my body and strengthen this physical vessel and enjoy what it is able to do.  But, training of my body is not the final key to full satisfaction.  Only godliness gives satisfaction in every way.  And so I also have renewed commitment to continue my journey towards godliness. As I struggle to ‘unstick’ these last few pregnancy pounds and regain my fitness level, so too I strive to “throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles [me] (Hebrews 12:1, NIV) so I may be found spiritually fit on the day I find myself crossing the finish line of this life.       

*Indeed, when I was memorizing the Krebs cycle, as required for one of my first biochemistry classes, I really thought my mind might burst with all the details I was trying to pour into it; it really felt like it was too much detail that as I put one part of the cycle in, the rest wanted to fall out!

Women of Impact

I have wanted to write my memoirs for a while now as a way of writing about the women who have impacted my life and helped shape me into the woman I am today.  I don’t think I will be sitting down anytime soon to embark on the complete endeavor of formulating a book; however, I want to shape a portion of my blog into something a little more consistent. I want to honor real women, present and past, in my life through my words, through this blog.  And so today as you read my first story (of many to come) of a woman of impact we will honor her together.

My encounter with a woman of impact this past week: Gina

This past week I went hiking with a friend, who is a single mom, and her son.  I am just starting to get to know this friend; she is relatively new in my life.  I don’t know the details of her story; but, I do know she is a committed mom who loves her son.  As we were hiking I began to see more glimpses into her life. 

As mother myself now I appreciate when Ryan comes on board to be “fun-dad” to our daughter when I am tired and don’t have any conversation or smiles left for her.  I appreciate when Ryan is there so I can pop out for half an hour or an evening and our daughter is in good hands.  I appreciate that Ryan is there to verbally and physically share the struggles and stresses of parenting.  I appreciate that I have a partner in parenting.

My friend does not have these luxuries.  She has to be “fun-mom”.  She has to be ruling setting mom.  She has to be a provider.  She has to be care-giver.  She has to be present.  Always.  I mean she has assistance in some people, but for the most part day in day out she has to be there: to calm her son into sleep, to play with him so he can burn off steam, to talk to him so he can voice his dreams of what he wants to be when he grows up, to put food on the table to nourish him, and so many other things that I don’t even know about parenting yet since my child is not yet so grown.  She has no co-pilot in parenting. 

I said to her: “you must have lots of energy and patience.”  She replied, “I pretty much am exhausted all the time; but you get used to it.”

My words are inadequate to describe the impact this woman has on a daily basis.  She is impacting her son’s life.  She is so committed to her son.  She loves him so much.  She has to work so hard to be mom to him.  You can see she is doing everything she can, the best that she can, to be the best mom she can to him.  Daily she gives so much, fighting exhaustion, to give him the best. She is giving her all, so he can have the best of this life.  I can only imagine she feels like she turns up short as she tries to fill 2 roles.  And while she alone cannot replace the constant daily presence of Dad in her son’s life, she is indeed a mom and a half to her son, doing a wonderful job! 

She is also impacting my life.  I mentioned that I don’t know this friend that well yet.  This is true.  However, I admire this woman and I admire the mom that she is.  She is humble, hard-working, doesn’t complain, and has a faith rooted in God.  I am glad to have her as a friend and truly believe that as our relationship grows, so will my admiration for her.  This woman of impact is doing an incredible job at navigating this challenging life and with whatever credibility I have, I say “Well Done!”  Thank you for the positive impact you are having on my life.

Depend on Me

I have been struggling lately with a lack of confidence in my competence as a mom.  The other day I found myself in my husband’s arms in tears because I wasn’t sure I was a good mom and I felt like there were all these eyes on me judging how I was doing as a mom.  Sometimes I’m really just not sure what is best for my daughter and when the fatigue takes over my lack of confidence turns into my questioning my competence.  I begin to ask, “Am I fit to be a mom? Do I have any clue at all what I am doing?”  In the back of my mind I acknowledge that these questions are not valid and that in fact they are tools of our spiritual enemy to tear down my God-given strength.  But in the ‘moment’, I have found myself wishing this new role of mine has a set of ‘best practice guidelines’ to follow.  You see in my job as a pharmacist the golden documents to follow in patient care are evidence-based best practice guidelines.  But this new role of mom is more than a job.  It is more than a career, even.  It is a commitment unlike any other and while there is numerous writing on the topic of parenthood, there is not one document that has been agreed upon by the parenting community to be the guidelines for how to be the best mother to your child.

This is where I am in life right now: a confident, proven and accomplished medical professional trying to figure out how to add such prestigious adjectives to my new title of ‘mother’ without much success. (Indeed I have read this can be a struggle for women such as me who are goal-oriented, successful professionals.  We try to transfer our approach to our career to mothering and it can be frustrating not to mention ineffective.)

Isn’t it great then that at least I know what my ‘issue’ is, so I can work towards addressing it?  Knowing myself is exactly what I embrace through my practice of journaling and reflecting regularly.  However, the full illumination of this issue didn’t shine through until I was listening to the sermon this Sunday morning.  The message was on Jonah chapter 2 and was entitled “From Misery to Mercy.”  While the main premise of this teaching was about self inflicted misery and rising up from it, the principles were practical for addressing any challenge.  Pastor Ron first highlighted the need to get real with God.  You see Jonah didn’t skirt around his issue.  He clearly named why it was that he was praying from inside the belly of the fish.   I have long admired another biblical character, David, for his realness with God and have just been reading again about David’s life in 2^nd Samuel.*  So, the idea of being honest and real with God is not a new one to me.  But, in that moment in church I sat there and realized I hadn’t been real.  I was not naming what my issue really was.  SELF-SUFFICIENCY.  I have been struggling at being a mom because I have been trying to do it on my own.  (Not to say that there won’t be struggles in motherhood; but they shouldn’t be the mind-struggles that I have engaged in.)

So in naming my sin of self-sufficiency God spoke to me, “DEPEND ON ME.”  And it was in this moment that I realized there is a single, go-to document in motherhood: the bible. 

Huh!

Furthermore, I not only have this tried and true document, I have been given the Guide Himself.  As I was sitting there in church I was brought to the question: “Who is God to me now?”   So I asked myself who has God been to me in the past?  And I was thinking and thinking so hard.  I mean I elucidated who He is to me on video only a year ago in front of the whole church when we became church members and there I was trying to remember, “Who did I say God was to me?”  And then it came back.  I have consistently viewed God as my Guide.  And He is my Guide still through His words in the bible and through His voice in my life as the Holy Spirit.  I have the most incredible Guide to navigate this life with, to navigate this role in my life with, and have been given this God-breathed document, the bible, to structure my life on!  Amazing! Incredible!  These words are truly not adequate descriptors.  And there I was a week ago longing for some sort of guidelines to motherhood.  This was certainly a ‘knock me over the head’ kind of moment in church on Sunday in which I was truly so glad to be a part of a church where God speaks clearly and loudly through His servants in our pastoral team. 

You see by believing that Jesus Christ is God’s Son who has removed the mark of sin on our lives by dying on the cross we are given “real and eternal life, more and better life than [we] ever dreamed of.” (John 10:10, The Message, emphasis mine)  I believe in God’s promises and so today I start my day by saying “I’m all in!” to God’s call to me to depend on Him.

 

 *Well, technically, listening not reading since it is through listening to the Daily Audio Bible—dailyaudiobible.com-- that I am finding a practical way to get into the scriptures on a pretty much daily basis.