Keeping it real

January 22, 2016

I am riddled with discouragement.  There are so many things that I’d like to do and I would be satisfied with only doing one or two; but right now it’s challenge enough to get food in my body and maintain some level of personal hygiene.  That is in the waking hours.  Sleep remains the other challenge.  It was hard to get myself out of bed this morning; yet I knew that if I did not do so I would not get these 20 minutes to myself.  Some evenings I get an hour to myself, maybe 1 and ½ if I short cut my sleep.  But last night it was 0 minutes.  The twins fussed and needed reassurance to fall asleep and Rayna rises in the ridiculous hours of 5AM.

I want to start working towards fitness.  I had wanted to work towards the Whistler marathon; however, now I would be happy to have any level of running.  I tried to start running but my body screamed at me. I need to reestablish strength to my core and stretch these achy hips.  But when?  I scream WHEN?  I would gladly go to a yoga class; but do I pay $15 and risk Allison crying her head off and maybe Garrett fussing too?

I want to get rid of these thank you cards that eat at me everyday.  I want to send them out so that those who blessed us will know that I appreciated it.  I want to finish this so that it is done, complete, doesn’t nag on me on a daily basis.  But, when I sit down to address some I usually am able to accomplish one before I am needed elsewhere.  And so they sit there as a reminder that I can get nothing done.

I feel alienated.  I want to see friends.  Heck, I want to actually talk to my husband.  To feel like I’m in a marriage.  But how do I even start to do that?  Certainly not out of my home?  I have had a few lovely visits; but oh how sparse they’ve been and never without being “on-call” for my children.  And it does not appear that escaping is on the horizon.

I do not feel human.  I feel like a machine.  A machine that is seriously lacking its regular maintenance.  I feel like I am going to malfunction.  I do not know how to stop this from happening. 

How do I become human again?  How, do I have the joy that I’ve set out in this journey trying to find on a daily basis in some way?  How do I find moments of beauty?

I suppose in the meltdown that seems to be happening within I see that I am human.  I am so limited.  I am being pushed to the edge and feel uncertain that I can remain whole.  Yet, God asks us to come broken.  It is easier to shape pieces.  So shape me God.  I don’t know how I can stay sane in the reality of life right now, so show me how you will do it for me.  Give me health: mental, emotional, relational, spiritual and physical health.  And grant me wisdom, patience, love, tenacity and the power to thrive in these crazy days.