The Horrible

(Written July 2, 2016.  Not brave enough to post until now)

I’ve been hanging out in “the horrible” lately.  I blogged when I was pregnant about a twin mom commenting on how the early days were horrible and how I was certain my own days of horrible would come.  They did.  And yet they have surprised me.  Perhaps, its because they did not appear when I expected them.  I amaze myself how I got through those wakeful nights and first months of such great demands on me that I had no personal time, unless you count showering and eating which were a struggle to squeeze in.  I look back and don’t know exactly how we got through the crazy crying, Ryan’s struggles in the beginning, and the incredible demands.  But I was desperately needed then and I was able to step up and keep stepping up again and again and again.  It was not in the first 5 months that “horrible” happened.  Sure, I had bad days and challenging weeks.  But, in some form I had resolve.  And then my resolution began slowly dissolving.  Perhaps, it was hitting the coveted full nights sleep and realizing that life was still so very demanding.  Perhaps, it was realizing that this is gonna be real hard for a long time yet.  Perhaps it was my social supports become less tangible as family and friends started coming much less frequently.  Perhaps, it was an accumulation of all that had been demanded of me.  Whatever it was that brought on the “horrible,” months 6, 7 and 8 were gradually darkening shades of gray.

I have wanted to write this blog for weeks.  I have had this desire to be able to be real in the junk of life.  I felt awful inside and I am certain other mom’s live here too: feeling unappreciated, feeling unaccomplished, feeling unable to make goals because theres no time or energy to achieve them, feeling stuck, feeling like no one really gets it.  And this is where I wanted to shout, “women, mothers there must be some of you who really get it, where are you????” and “Not every mom feels like those on Facebook who post of these days with little babies being absolutely beautiful and they wouldn’t trade them for anything, do they??!!” and (privately) “I definitely am NOT a baby person!!!”  I have wanted to blog these feelings, these struggles, to acknowledge, to voice, to proclaim, to document these crazy hardships that have me thinking of Eve’s curse of motherhood.  I did not want to wait until the “horrible” passed to be able to share it.  And yet, I found that in the deepest of the horrible, simply making it through the day was all I could muster.  In fact, I probably could have greatly benefited from help, help which I relatively easily could have found; yet, I did not even know where to start to ask for help.  And so following the climax of a week of pure awful of sick babes, and 2 nights of going to bed right after the kids, I finally find myself in a place to write.  To share, to document.  It is okay that motherhood holds the horrible.  Indeed I will make it through (there were days on end when I was not so certain).  Today I feel blessed. Today I kissed my kids heads and told them I love them, and I wanted to stay in those moments.  Today I did not feel like the crazy was pushing me deep into insanity.

BUT, I have come to realize (through discussions with my sister who has 5 kids), that motherhood with any element of crazy, be it twins, closely aged babies, 4 or more kids, special needs etc.  In these situations everything must align perfectly (and health must prevail, which doesn’t happen much with multiple young children) for the crazy to feel fun, enjoyable, life-filled.  So, I guarantee that horrible will return. Hopefully, now that I have learned something about horrible I will be better versed to weather it.  Though, I am certain that horrible and graceful do NOT go together.  However, I am also certain that it is okay that they do not.  And I am certain that I will make it through the horrible.  And I am hopeful that by speaking out more mothers will share their own stories of horrible, so that when we are living in the horrible we are able to readily realize that this does not make us horrible.  And as I look at the verse I have posted beside my bed “This is the day that the LORD has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.”  I have decided that choosing to get out of my bed and face the day may be the extent of joy and gladness I can produce.  And this is okay.  Keeping my children alive and well so that I can cherish better days ahead is important too, isn’t it?  I’m rambling, but please allow me one more “and”.  And, it is okay that I have so much to be grateful for, and I know so deeply that I do, and I still struggle in the horrible.

The horrible: when we really start living, life is full of it isn’t it?  However, this I’ve been thankful for:  that I have a partner, who so truly feels like a partner as he is the one person who really understands what life is like for me these days.  And this past week as I spoke to my mom one evening, I got off the phone and felt so very thankful that my mother is still alive for me to talk to.  There are few people in life whom one can talk to unguarded and I so appreciate being able to do so with my mom.  And isn’t it fitting to be thankful for my mom in days when the struggles of being a mom are getting to me.  Here is where one of those jumbo smiley face emoticons belongs.  And here is where I need to say to every mother starting with my own, “You are doing a great job!”  We don’t say it enough, but women, mothers, mother-figures you are doing a great job and we need to say so more than just one day of the year.  When all else feels like its crumbling remember that indeed you are doing a great job!