There is so much I want to share and so much I want to say and so much I want to make sure is on paper and it makes me scramble to know where to start. So I will just plunge right in and what comes rambling out is what you get to read.
Phil “ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Boy, has the necessity of this verse taken on new and full meaning for me!
Let me give you a brief glimpse of what it’s been like to be Cheryl Rostek this past week or 2. Excitement rolled in with a big wave as trip plans come together. Vacationing is big for our family. Ryan and I like to have fun and like to make trip plans whenever possible. It has been more challenging to find the time and energy to make these plans; but let me share what’s in the works! We are off to
California next week with
Ryan’s Mom and with his Brother’s family.
We are also shaping up our summer plans, and we will be going to the
Shuswaps with a group of friends for a week and from there journey to Sask. to
hit up Camp Oshkidee again, this time with my family along (trying to avoid the
twin gongshow that was last year!). All
these things bring great excitement. BUT
then last week my vision started to get even “funnier” than it has been most
recently (it went back to almost normal post-op, then slowly through treatment
started getting screwy again) it is
manageable but makes me nervous about what’s going on in my brain. This change started Wed. and I started my round of chemo last Thursday
(5 days on, 23 days off). I since have become more tired and a touch dizzy (any
dizziness alarms me because it was one of the first symptoms I had before
Nervous. On edge. That is how these physical changes make me feel and how they are managing to occupy too much space in my mind. Now these could be due to post-radiation swelling that happens in 50% of people, or some could be attributed to the higher chemo dose I received, or my thoughts have been plaguing me with the idea that ….. is the cancer coming back already….. how much time do I have before I can’t write anymore…..I have so many letters to write to my kids yet, so many things to document…will I be able to actually go on these vacations I’m excited about? And I’m gripped.
That state is not real living.
As long as I have breath I am living. And I plan to do just that: LIVE. (not wallow or freeze in fear)
I have been overcome lately with the beauty that surrounds me. Life is so very beautiful if we open our eyes. And the beauty of humanity and of the human experience is pinnacle in viewing a world of beauty. Human life is sacred. Every stage of human life. I’m reminded of my Grandma Elias and watching her live and watching her struggle with the vice of dementia. Visiting her, feeding her, holding her hands. Seeing how hard that was for my Dad to watch: his mother disappearing before she left this world. But the beauty of being able to be present in my grandmother’s life in all those days is profound for me. She never ceased to be my grandma. She never ceased to be beautiful. She never ceased to be loved.
And isn’t that what it’s about? LOVE. 1 Cor 13 was brought afresh to me this week: “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” Life is not easy for Ryan and I. It is so hard. We are both maxed out and the demands of life, both physical and emotional, press on us. But love endures. How? The only way for a human to obtain such enduring love is to receive the crazy, incredible, indescribable love of Jesus Christ. It is only when we open ourselves up to be in Christ’s love that we are able to love in every circumstance. And here the beauty of humanity becomes spectacular as God pours out the power of his love through us. It’s truly brilliant! And thank God for it. Because I can’t do this. I can’t do this cancer battle. It’s SO hard. Here I pause to cry because I am emotional this week and because life is always on the verge of breaking. And it’s just so hard.
Thankfully I have a heavenly Father to hold me together. Because like I said, as long as I have breath I intend to live. As long as I have breath, I am alive. As long as I have breath I hold so much beauty within and before me.
So now I ask you. Please pray for me. Please pray for my family. Pray for the God-given strength to keep going and more than to keep going, to THRIVE. Pray for these symptoms to stabilize, or better yet, disappear. Pray for my marriage to be blessed richly. For my children’s hearts to be sealed for God and guarded from harm. I am not sorry my children have to go through this experience in that it will allow them, I believe, to see the beautiful in life much more readily; but, they are so tender, they need to be guarded from the war that wages on thoughts and emotions, so please pray for them for today and for the tomorrows to come. Pray also that I would have wisdom for words to pen to my children. And pray that I would have spaces (time) to put these words on paper. Pray that our holidays would go smooth and be lovely and enriching times. I will be traveling to the states next week. I am not insured for any cancer-related issues. This was a calculated decision, but I still ask for prayer while away that medical care isn’t even a glimpse of a thought while away. Pray for our nanny, Stefanie. She has been sick so frequently, and she doesn’t usually get sick. Pray for her health to be restored both for her sake as well as for the benefit of our family.
And praise God for you!!! I am blessed to know I am surrounded. (ps. My freezer is overflowing with soup!!!) Thank you for your prayers. I pray blessings on your families as well. Rich, rich blessings to those who journey with me.
Much love to you all,
31 If God is for us, who can ever be against us?