What’s been happening in my
life lately is simply spectacular. My
physical energy has been fantastic and even this last round of chemo hasn’t
knocked me down like usual. And I am
compelled to believe that my physical well-being is tightly linked to my
spiritual well-being.
I feel “like myself”, granted
a new me. I am worn down from my chemo;
but despite this I have a sense of feeling healthier than I’ve been for a very
long while. And the “new me” is the one
surfacing with the twins growing up a wee bit and me feeling like I’m starting
to grasp what it means to be well and how to truly immerse myself in my source
of strength and energy, my Father God.
But I set aside my family dynamics here to focus on me. (Since it is healthy, in fact, to focus on
myself as a mother, so I can refuel to love these kids which just take so very
much out of Ryan and I - and I know
there’s many who relate to this.)
Let me focus.
In my last post I spoke of
how God is teaching me to rest (and that I’m NO natural in being a student of
rest). But as I trust in Him, He
continues to guide me. And I truly
believe that it is only by resting in God, that I will find healing (physical,
emotional, spiritual).
It is a battle to find this
peaceful rest. Our pastor brought to my
attention the story of Jesus in the boat sleeping while a storm raged. He rested amidst the storm. And then chastises his disciples for having
fear instead of faith. Jesus gives rest
akin to providing sleep in a rocky boat.
Rest.
This is a process. It’s a major overhaul for a person who likes
to cling to control. So I am patient and
I trust.
One day I got thinking. (okay, so I think alot about alot of
different things these days). But these
thoughts started to help me uncover changes I need to introduce. Thank you Holy Spirit for giving me some
practical pieces to chew on! I have a
tendency to want to makes moments shiny and spectacular, especially if I feel
there’s a general expectation to have a shiny and spectacular moment like a
birthday, anniversary, trip, etc. It
doesn’t sit well with me that even birthday’s can bomb and anniversaries can
feel dull. So when presented with a
life-threatening illness the expectation I placed upon myself to make moments
shiny and spectacular, was HUGE. And yes, I continue to absolutely love
celebrating life and celebrating within life; but, not ever single moment can
be a momentous celebration. That simply
is not life. Ordinary life is where life is really lived – at least in its
majority. So, I am freed from the
expectation of creating something grand, so that I can LIVE.
I felt Jesus say, “I AM, so
just be.”
It’s simple, it’s beautiful,
it’s what I needed to hear. It’s back to
the Martha story in Luke 10. She’s
flitting about and ticked at her sister for not helping but instead sitting at
Jesus’ feet. I remember still as a teen
reading this and being like, “really Mary just sitting there is doing the right
thing?!” (I guess this should have given
me a clue to where I could work on myself, but really didn’t until now)
“I am, so just be.”
And then I read the quote (In
that crazy sexy cancer survivor book) that “during the time of the darkest
night act as if the morning has already come.”
That sounds like…. faith. So my
secular book is telling me to have FAITH.
And I’ve been reading in Luke and Luke 18 has all this talk of faith and
faith like a child and persistent faith.
And then verse 27 says, “What is impossible from a human perspective is
possible with God.” This whole ‘faith’
topic gets a little confusing to me because I am just not capturing this, it
feels mind boggling.
Then Luke 18 resurfaces and I
am reminded to have faith like a child.
Children who believe anything is possible. Children who rest well as they know they are
cared for, loved, nurtured and safe.
Children who believe they can do anything if they believe.
It’s like a
billboard: Faith like a child is how we
find rest.
So my journey continues and I
seek out faith like a child.
Today Rayna came home from a
walk with the nanny and she had a crown of dandelions on her head. I am stopped.
Read my blog from last May about being stuck in the dandelions, aptly
titled Stuck in the Dandelion Field to see, here is an excerpt to help
you capture my perspective:
You see my life right now is
a dandelion field. Rayna loves to stop and pick dandelions when we’re out
for a walk and right now there are fields of them. My Dad commented about our dandelions when he was visiting here, “you
have such a beautiful province; but you sure don’t like to get rid of your
dandelions do you?” They are an eyesore to him and he can’t believe our city
doesn’t spray them. It doesn’t aesthetically bother me that there is an
overgrowth of dandelions along the sidewalks and in the fields and on unkempt
lawns. But they have certainly annoyed me. When we go to the playground or to the river for a walk it takes FOREVER
because Rayna stops for all the seeding flowers. And when I tell her, “no more dandelions” I can see her writhing inside
that she has to resist the almost uncontrollable urge to pick and blow
them. Sometimes we do need to get going so we can get home
before the twins have a melt-down; but often it’s just me. I feel the need to
get to the playground if that’s where we’ve said we’re going, to get “unstuck”,
if you will. However, it is in the dandelions that Rayna is having
fun and experiencing the simple joys of a flower that others call a weed. It is more fun to her than going down a slide or actually making it to
the scenic river trail.
(May 2016)
----
Oh to see a crown of
dandelions on Rayna’s head! (for I called it a headband and was promptly
corrected; and indeed a crown is perfect.)
Dandelions: Isn’t the naked beauty of life most present in
the blessings that just pop up. Not
planted, not tended. Most call them weeds and rush, oh how we rush, to get
through them, past them, out of this season that has our city blossoming in
brilliant, radiant, carefree yellow.
This year I pause. I smile. I celebrate. The crown atop my gorgeous daughter’s
head befits my little queen and my breath becomes intentional because I am
deeply present in this moment. My life is in blossoming with dandelions and for
that, I praise God.
Indeed, in the dandelions is
where life is lived. And I’m finally
starting to see it’s beauty. As I
release my adult notions and expectations and broken expectations. And this is exactly where Jesus wants
me. Enjoying the simple pleasures of
life, not needing them to be grand, and believing with faith like a child.
From here the journey is one
step at a time. I’m always expecting
(wanting) a point by point 5 year plan, but here God speaks, “the future looks
bright, ah it’s looks spectacular if you just walk with me moment by moment,
day by day, year by year.” And I feel
like I can breathe, because all that is asked of me in this moment is what this
moment demands: my presence.
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