This is what is kicking around in my head today. It’s not concise; but it is real- real
life. I feel compelled to champion being
an open-book kinda human – sharing my unedited story, inviting you to do the
same.
An insight into my life:
Today I started getting flashing in my right periphery vision. This happened pre-op. It stopped me in my tracks this morning. It is an acute symptom. Pause.
Call Ryan. No answer. Call
mom. No answer. I lay down and breathed, citing “Be still and
know that I am God.” I was angry.
Angry that I had just arrived to have my “retreat day”. Angry that I have to go through this. Angry that my life is riddled with the
caveats of incurable cancer. Ryan called back, my mom called back. We had a plan: Call oncologist. Left message.
Ryan left to come join me.
Silence. Relative calm, but the desperate “No, no, no!!!” ran through my
mind. I have too much to complete yet, I
can’t die yet- I want to write my story, write a novel. More than that, I want
to be there for my kids! Today is my
twins’ second birthday. ( I want to
celebrate many more birthdays with them)
I am not ready to die, cancer I’m not ready to succumb. So here I shout out: “Nuts to that (death,
tumor)!” Oh Satan you have no hold of my
brain!!! Scram Satan. Get your hands off of me.
God heal me. I’ve been weary this
past week, near worn out with sick kids and the like. It’s a hard life. My emotional life is so topsy-turvy. Faith is not my gifting. I’ve learned it this past year. I sought God and I asked for faith. It took 1 year of pressing into Him to have
some semblance of faith. Faith that I
know no matter what it will be okay.
Faith that God will be with me no matter what. Faith that truly what
matters is being one with God. Faith to
know that my ENTIRE purpose is to serve and praise God, whether in this life or
the next. (Whether I live or I die, its
all to the glory of God).
And now I see it. On
the drive up to “the ranch” where I retreat God spoke to me. He spoke that He was there with me. He was in the passenger seat with me. That He would always be right beside me. Right beside me. ALWAYS.
Sometimes, admittedly, that doesn’t seem to be enough. The bible tells me not to cling to my life or
I will lose it. How hard it is to fully
release my life. Even now, I have God’s
work to do and I cling to that. How much
irony is in that?! Oh how I cling to MY
LIFE.
Yesterday in my visit for our church to one of the seniors
home, I met a man who shared something spectacular. He had a near death experience. He saw God.
God was the brightest light imaginable and amazingly you could look at
the light even though it was so bright.
God told him to go back and tell people about Him and His love for
them. Isn’t that what it’s all about?
Telling people about God’s love.
I renewed my passport this fall. This is a simple task. But we have a choice now: 5 year or 10
year. Pause. I’m not supposed to live even 5 years. These are things other people don’t need to
think about. I chose the 10 year
passport.
I spoke with my dearest friend this morning. She called out that this could be a spiritual
attack. “You’re a force to be reckoned
with.” She said, “The enemy knows it.”
So, all the more I rally your prayers.
I am considering fasting for the purpose of prayer for healing and God’s
presence. I just read Esther, she fasted
with her people for 3 days before petitioning the King for her people’s
lives. I’ve never fasted, but I think I
shall set aside solid food for taking time to petition God for my life, for my
ministry I have yet to do here on earth.
Join me if you are compelled.
And I am compelled to again remind you to look for deeply at
the people around you. So many people
have a story lurking heavy and deep beneath the surface. Last week, with sick kids (hence lack of
sleep) and the heaviness of 2 people with brain cancer dying and the underlying
fatigue I face as “brain injury”, I was barely coping. Thank God my Mom was here and that my Mother
in Law is a big help in our lives (What would we do with out moms?......I don’t
want my kids to have to answer that question).
What I am getting at is often people need to be asked “How are you?”
with actually wanting to hear the answer.
People want to be seen. They need
to be heard. They need God’s love. God’s love flows through us, people. WE ARE
THE CONDUITS OF GOD’S LOVE. I am very
admittedly still learning this, but I want to learn it in parallel to you. I want to hear your stories.
I’ve wrestled with my faith and belief system lately. I’ve looked square at what I believe and
acknowledged, “What I believe is crazy!!!!”
God became man, died for our sins and rose again to life, went back to
live in heaven. If we believe this we get
our impure heart forgiven and not only that we get access to be with God--- on
earth through him living in us via the Holy Spirit and when we die in the
direct presence of his glory in heaven.
This is far-fetched and crazy.
Think about it! I have been. “How can I really believe this?” Well, my friends, if you unravel the gospel
message, it is the ONLY one that can properly deal with all the uncertainties
and emotions and struggles I face with this cancer diagnosis. So I will take the crazy at face value. Jesus was kinda a crazy guy. Strike that, he was crazy. He loved like crazy. He turned norms on their heads. His teaching was strikingly wise and
profound. He didn’t care what people
thought or expected. He talked to
women. He took time for children. He was God.
Do you realize how incredible the message and Good News of the Gospel is? It is spectacular. And as I was processing the “How can I
believe this?” I read in Romans, Paul explains that God purposefully chose an
unconventional way of sharing His Love and Good News. Ordinary and Main-stream just doesn’t work
for something so extraordinary.
I invite you today to think about these things. Most of us will overtly stare death in the
face one day and inevitably we will all die.
These are pertinent matters to think about. Give Jesus some more thought. I truly believe, as crazy as the faith he
calls us to is, that he is THE answer.
The only way not to lose our lives while we’re still living.
I’m far from perfect.
My faith is weak. But I
believe. I am all in for Jesus. God is good, all the time He is good.
Thanks for being real and raw. Recently I met a man who also made it to heaven only to be told it wasn't his time yet. Sorry u have had some all too familiar symptoms. I will pray for freedom from fear and patience as u wait for next MRI. I think the only way one can walk the valley of the shadow of death is to look to Jesus. He is the light that we need to focus on when all around us is darkness. Hugs friend.
ReplyDelete