Confessions of a performance driven perfectionist

 Mark 10:16 (MSG) "Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in."

Why do I spend my time hurrying to moments of no lasting significance and hurrying through moments with great lasting value?

Pause.

This life is meant to be a marathon, not a sprint.

I think about this: do i want my life to be over in a flash like a sprint, a blur? No, I want to relish the beauty over the long haul inclusive of the aches and pains and difficulties *

I want to give pause when I find an extra beautiful moment to feel the moments deeply.  Whether it's the sun shining brilliantly through the trees.  Or the leaves fluttering to the ground.  Or my child nuzzling in.  Or a stranger I've encountered whom I can give a word of encouragement to.

I’m one who naturally rushes rushes rushes----- there is so much to be done!  But slowly. ---Ever. ----So. ---Slowly. I am learning.  As a mom of 3 young children I am learning that no matter how hard I try the dishes will never be caught up, the laundry will never be completely done, rooms will be upheaved to disaster in seconds, and though I just fed my kids they need to eat yet again!  So I am learning that since rushing is futile, perhaps I ought to try something different.

Find beauty.  Savour moments of lasting value.

Beauty is found in the in-between moments.  But it is only seen if I intentionally create pause between the schedule, if I create margins in my life, and if I embrace being prepared to throw my plan for the day to the wind if something more important of lasting value comes along.

And I think, just maybe, this is the key to finding rest amidst the busy: create regular moments where busy is not in control, where I stand up to busy and say No! Not in my life! My life is not controlled by busy.

And what I find here is space.  Space to breathe. Space to be real. Space to ponder what I actually want to do with these precious moments of my life.  Space to remember the gift of the air in my lungs.  Space to raise my arms in Thanksgiving for the beauty of it all!!!

Yes! Yes, this is how I want to spend my moments.

God help me make it so.

*The longest distance I have ran is 30Km.  A 30Km trail run.  It hurts to run this far! (My personal experience was that it is hard work after the 20km point to keep pressing forward and yet, interestingly, even so there is much exilieration in the last km.)  Furthermore, just as this race was an up and down marathon—both physically and emotionally--, so too is life.  Up and Down.  And you can't have the ease of downhills without slogging up the uphills.  

So I want to be present in all these moments, feeling them for what they are, grateful always for the opportunity of experience.  And then I want to take my experience in the difficulty and not forget, never forget, when the course of life eases up a bit or a lot; I never want to forget the journey from point A to point B and how it has shaped me.

I am a Survivor

I was asked on Instagram how I was able to “beat the disease” in reference to a post stating being a 2-year glioblastoma survivor.  I have well out-lived average survival.  I am so grateful to have the opportunity to share the keys to my survival. Here is my response:

(Please note: though I am in remission, according to science I have not “beat” this disease.  That said, the following is what I give credit to for beating the odds and surviving and thriving thus far!)

HOPE.  Believe in hope.  Search for hope with all your might.  When you find hope, cling to it tightly!  And remember hope can always be found.

I received my glioblastoma diagnosis on a Friday afternoon.  My regular doctor was out of town so I saw a brand new fill-in doctor.  She was upfront that she wasn’t familiar with glioblastoma; but that average survival was 1 year.  Of course I was in shock hearing this.  My husband and I went home to process this information.  I did not touch the internet because I didn’t feel the information I would find would be helpful. 

I spend the weekend in a state of hopelessness and sorrow.  Monday my coworker, Jenn, stopped by and beamed with optimism.  With her demeanor and her words she stated that I could be a long-term survivor.  She told me to google “glioblastoma survivor”.  I did and found a story of a 16 year survivor.  Jenn breathed HOPE into my diagnosis.  She told me she was sure I would beat this even though everything says this disease is unbeatable.  THAT is what I needed to hear. Thank you, Jenn!!!!

The next breath of HOPE I received was from actually speaking with an 8 year glioblastoma survivor.  He is a friend of my GP willing to share his story with me.  When I spoke with this fellow I learned that he had a 1 year old child!  He chose to have a child even with a glioblastoma diagnosis!  Furthermore, he shared the title of a book with me, Getting Well Again by O. Carl Simonton.  I’ve just begun to read it and have found it helpful.  The book discusses the power that an optimistic attitude and self-awareness can play in survival.  We can influence the state of our health through “positive attitudes, relaxation, visualization, goal setting, managing pain, exercise, and building an emotional support system.”  Disease does NOT render us powerless!   

Finally, I have found HOPE in believing in Jesus; this has been key.  Jesus has always been a part of my life; post-cancer He has become an absolutely essential part of my life and of my survival.  I’ve cracked open my bible again and as I read daily I meet a powerful, loving, healing Jesus who makes the impossible possible.  As I choose to trust in Jesus I am empowered to believe that my prayers and the attitudes of my heart are heard and seen.  This belief gives me the Hope that the God of the universe who loves me so deeply has my brain in His healing hands.  (I’ve evaluated the potential foolishness others may think in my believing this; however, my experience has been that believing in Jesus gives me the anchor I need during the storm of battling cancer and it gives me Hope both for today --- that God is with me and surrounds me in love --- and Hope for the future beyond this life.  So I choose not to care if anyone else thinks its foolishness because I have personally experienced it’s power and benefit!)

Here I will share a quote I just read from a beautiful book, Daring to Hope by Katie Davis Majors:

“Maybe courage is trusting when we don’t know what is next, leaning into the hard and knowing that it will be hard, but more, God will be near….Maybe bravery is just looking fear in the face and telling it that it does not win because we have known the Lord here…Though we tremble and feel uncertain courage means we press into a God who is certain, sure, steady.  He carries us; He lifts our heads.  And His unfailing love and comfort become our courage and our hope.”

Jesus gives me the courage I need to have hope and let me tell you, having Hope that you can hang on to is powerful!!! 

Also, having a support network which is hopeful alongside you--- believing surviving and thriving is possible-- is essential.  I am grateful for my husband who is naturally optimistic. I describe him as having optimistic optimism.  These are the kind of people we need to surround ourselves with in order to thrive. 

I personally choose to believe that I WILL be in the 5% of people who become 5-year survivors.  I also choose to plan optimistically for my future while at the same time being prudent about my present (I’ve created a will, written birthday letters to my children for their future, etc.).  Furthermore, I’ve processed fears surrounding death in a healthy way with the help of a counselor and continue to process on-going anxiety in this way.

Find HOPE, whatever it looks like for you, and cling to it!!!

I don’t know your faith but, I desire to leave you with a blessing so if you’re willing, please accept my prayer for you:  May God grant you wisdom and His supernatural peace as you journey these difficult roads ahead.  I pray God will grant you and your family Hope, healing and optimism. 

Blessings to you and your family.

XOXO,

Cheryl