Disclaimer
I feel I need to preface this post reminding my readers that
my life is much messier than my poetic words can make it sound. I hope you realize that I write my “findings”
not because I’ve now arrived and learned them; but, rather because I too need
daily reminders to embrace them and placing them here in black and white
facilitates that process. Please
remember, when I write I am in a good space.
I am in my happy spot and I can find the positives in all lifes up and
down. I have had time to process the
good, the bad and the ugly of my life and come out with a gem. But.
Oh but. To find that gem there is
a bunch of ugly to sort through.
The purpose of my writing is firstly as a therapy for me:
spending time in a hobby that fills my soul. Secondly, I desire that my words serve as
encouragement to those who read them. I
desire that the gems I’ve uncovered through the muck of my life will breathe
peace and joy into your lives. Because I
hope to encourage all with my words I feel I need to draw you deeper into my
experience with me. While my story is
different than yours, I remind you that we all have different stories. We all have different kinds of difficulties. Through out our lifetimes life will present
each one of us with insurmountable difficulties. Though these difficulties are different for
each of us, the human story is such that at some point this insurmountable
difficulty will come our way. You and I
are all comrades on this journey of life.
Furthermore, I hope today to show you a glimpse of my
struggling soul. I am a performance
driven perfectionist. I like to achieve
and achieve at the highest level. Do you
know what that means? No room for failure.
Do you know what that means? I
don’t like to give voice to the bad and the ugly of my life. On my journey of understanding myself better
I seek to change this; however, outright here is my disclaimer: just like
people put their best images on social media, so too I present the best of me
here. Please be gracious with me as I seek
to bare the ugliness alongside the beauty.
I am learning that the battle for the life I want is real
and everyday. Join me in fighting for it
today, tomorrow, the next day and so forth.
And in the process find grace.
Our Creator has a never ending supply of grace, I pray that you and I
will let this grace wash over us today.
XOXO
I am honored that all of you are journeying with me. Isn’t life better together?
The Good: Celebration (written yesterday in response to
celebrating my kids’ and my birthdays)
I am exhausted from celebrating. It was so good, so soul filling and so
physically exhausting. This is life with
young kids…always so tired. Always.
It leaves me asking: was it worth it?
Was it worth it?
This worn out, this spent feeling. Was it worth it to celebrate my children and
myself well?
(Still in the high of it all I reply to myself)
Absolutely! We were given this life to
celebrate with!
To celebrate firstly what Jesus has done, then to celebrate
those people he has given us. To pour
out our lives to this end for God’s glory, coming regularly back to the
fountain of life, Jesus so we can keep keeping on in this exhausting journey
called life which when we pause demands our joyous celebrations!
So today I am exhausted, filled and renewed all at the same
time.
I realize I have this: choice. I choose how to respond to what motherhood
throws at me. So as I return to the
hair-pulling, mundane of mothering 3 youngsters, battling my own anxiety along
the way, organizing activities and packing lunches and taming tantrums and mood
swings and facing toilets that are getting scarier than Halloween, I have a
renewed sense that I need to choose to pause and see that LIFE is so GOOD and
this life of mine is an incredible, priceless, beautiful GIFT.
This life’s a grueling marathon; but I am choosing to let my
life shine brightly so I do not lose the race! (Phil 2:16-17) And I am on
mission to celebrate every km covered!
Join me comrades! This race is epic!
End quote from my journal
Back to present day.
Really?! I ask myself chuckling. I am so freaking tired in this moment. I have been tired for 3 years and I am worn
and I CANNOT muster spunk. I am glad to
sit in front of computer and drink tea and let my introverted self just be, calmly,
boringly, no hint of celebration, just BE.
Because what I feel in this moment is reminiscent of this (excerpt
from journal Oct 22/18):
Who I really am
I am big and strong
Brave and optimistic
Stepping into the future with
Hope
Oh so much Hope!
I have so much to live for
I have so much left to give.
I have so much to learn,
I have so much to share
I have so much to experience.
In my mind I daily envision cancer being destroyed
By God’s mighty armies.
Obliterated. Denied access. Penetrated. Confused.
I envision strongholds around my healthy body fortified
And nourishment- rich nourishment feeding my body and soul.
(Having read that envisioning optimistic outcomes increases
longevity)
I envision splashing in the lake with my teenage children
I envision holding my first grandbaby
I envision cheering my son to athletic victory in high
school
I envision my daughters’ weddings and beginning to know my
daughter in law.
I envision this all so optimistically.
But when I pause
I weep.
I am so very weary from fighting.
Oh how hard I am fighting.
I am worn and I need
REST.
Desperately, I need rest.
I need that quiet field where I can lie in the soft grass
And smell the flowers.
Where sun warms my body and soul.
I need that space so quiet, so still, so unaware of time.
A place where I am truly
Quieted.
Where all the tasks do not exist
Where being is all that’s asked of me
Where life is beautiful
Simply because its lived.
I want to lie in this quiet field
Until my soul is full and jam packed
With peace and inspiration
Where I learn to live freely
Uninhibited.
Alive, like I’ve never been before.
Oh God
Take me to THIS field.
Take me to this place where I can see what I really want
Where I can feel what’s really inside
Where anxiety cannot exist.
Where sadness and anger roll in and fight within me so they
can be
Released.
My God teach me this peace so
I can bring it with me.
Each step of my path
Teach me how to sit at Your feet
Broken.
Worn.
Confused.
Exhausted.
Unequiped.
To wrestle with the discomfort of it all.
Oh God give me the strength and wisdom that I do not have.
End quote from my journal
I contemplate how to wrap up these 2 dichotomies; how to
conclude today. I think this might be
it:
My celebrating self declares that how I choose to respond to
life is a choice. She is optimistic and
cheery, celebrating this choice.
However, this choice remains the same in good and bad days. There are days when I am exhausted:
emotionally, physically, both. There are
days when I am at my wits end. There are
days that anxiety clenches my throat.
There are days that hope threatens to evaporate. Most days faith does not come naturally. But in these days too, I have the choice of
my response.
(I am reminded of my 3 year olds who will scream and not do
a task if I tell them to; however if I ask them if they want to clean up
now or in 5 minutes, the choice diffuses their emotions.)
I am empowered to choose my response in good days and
in bad or sad days. This is the premise
of the gratitude journal I have started; gratitude can be found everyday.
And so…
I choose to savour all that life puts in front of me. (At a relaxation class yesterday I was
learning the practice of savouring the moments of life. Those who savour life are more satisfied with
life. )
I choose to enjoy celebrating.
I choose to allow myself to rest.
I choose to cling to the Hope of Jesus Christ.
(And remember having choice doesn’t make it is easy; but
just like my 3 year olds, it helps diffuse the ugly, so we can get on with the good
stuff.)
Isn’t this life a crazy thing?
Psalm 118:24 (Cheryl version): This is the moment I have been given. The moments make up my day. Today I choose to praise God for the gift of
moments! Today I choose to be grateful
in these moments.
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