Having stage 4 cancer

I read this article that my friend who has cancer posted.  It resonated so much with me I had to repost it    Read it here .

My commentary, from personal experience, about the article:

My family was complete when I was diagnosed with terminal cancer, but I resonate with and love the way this author has been able to express all the other matters of being a stage 4 cancer mom of little kids. Though I don't allow most of these matters to be forefront in my mind, they are never completely erased.

 I remember thinking I shouldn't buy new clothes (even though I really needed some) because I might die real soon.  Also I waited until right after my MRI results to make an overdue dentist appointment, to make sure it was worthwhile. 

 And oh my yes pondering all the special moments ahead and wondering if I would be alive for them and grieving for not expecting those moments to come to fruition.

 And people saying about the craziness of mothering 3 little kids: it's just a stage, ride it out. Inside I was screaming in anger, frustration and exhaustion "this could well be the LAST stage I experience with my kids!!!!" And the strangers innocently saying "One day you'll look back on these memories so fondly"  I would smile and nod and hope against all odds that "one day" would indeed come.  And the wanting to make extra sweet memories for my kids to look back on (vacations are our family's favorite way to do that) when people around me would be suggesting, "just wait until they're a little bit older."

 And the worry about the "what do you do?" question.  The complexity of that question, the shame it has brought me many a time. 

I am fortunate enough to be in remission beating the odds, but it is so true--- no matter how well I am doing we can't "unknow" my diagnosis. Its the backdrop Ryan and i try to hide in camouflage colors.  We are able to press into life, but it pops up - like last week discussing purchasing a house: the "what if" scenarios and we are thrust into talking about "what if I die"...as if buying a house isn't stressful enough already.

Exhale.  I am grateful for all I have learned these past couple years and the personal growth that was mandated for me to keep pressing forward.  It is good to look back and remember; it reminds me that God is holding all the pieces delicately and skillfully in His powerful and mighty hands.

Thank you, to those of you who have taken the time to read the article and my personal comments here.  It is so good to share our stories, thank you for taking the time to listen to mine.


XOXO
Cheryl