Learning to rest and a note for my comrades - YOU!

I enter my retreat zone and immediately the tension that was wound within me begins to unravel and I feel the call to prayer.  I’ve been restless.  I feel God telling me that this is a season to learn how to really rest in Him, and at the same time I feel an increasing restlessness.  This restlessness crosses through out many aspects of my life: restless feelings of thinking of my career again, restless feelings regarding being a demanded upon mom of small kids, restless feelings about my treatment plan and my chemo plan – its so hard to put this chemical into my body when I know it is so toxic.

 I am antsy. I am getting bored, I’ll be honest.  And I think this is partly because I feel God prepping something so big within and through me.  My powerful and mighty and awesome God has a spectacular plan for me.

And right now, in that plan is to learn to 

s   l    o    w

it

d  o   w   n.

To learn to rest.  And it is hard. 

Because I am learning that to really rest, to really have true health in all capacities (spiritual, physical, mental, emotional)  so I can rest requires me to open up my fists that are clenched so tight in control of whatever I can possibly grasp to control.  My husband saw it before I did.  I demand a lot of myself and hence of others.  It is hard to release this.  To open up my fists and cup my hands to be able to receive.  To raise my arms in true surrender.  Oh, it is not natural. 

I want to learn to breathe. 

I want to learn the unforced rhythms of grace

I want to be free as Jesus promises.

And I have so much to learn.  So much sin that entangles me that I have to learn how to throw off so I can run and dance and prance as God intended.    

Matthew 19:24New Living Translation (NLT)

²⁴ I’ll say it again—it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!”

I’ve been reading Deuteronomy and God warns over and over to the Israelites that once they enter the promised land not to forget, not to forget, not to forget what God has done for them.  How? Intentionally remembering. 

Oh how rich I am.  (And this is not necessarily bad – but does absolutely require generosity and responsibility of me).  And oh how easily I forget.

I have so much to learn.  And yet the beautiful thing is that this wisdom of Jesus’ is both unparalleled and it is open to everyone.  In fact, it’s inclusivity is a large part of what defines it.    

Cancer has thrust me into ugly places.  It has forced me to question and evaluate – everything.  It has searched out my dark corners, my rotten garbage, and given glorious insight along the way.  I am empowered (you had better believe that I am a cancer SURVIVOR!!!)  and at the same time humbled.

Trust me that I am taking EVERY gift that cancer is giving me.  And trust me, there are indeed many.  I browsed through a book called “Crazy, Sexy Cancer Survivor.”  In this book the author calls her support, her “posse”, her co-survivors.  YOU, are my co-survivors, though I prefer to call you comrades (as it reflects the battle we are in which I spoke of last post).  None of us ought ever to live in homes, secluded from those around us.  We are created and meant to live in community.  It’s the only way we can truly survive and thrive.  And it is exemplified in the enormity of the support network I have garnered through YOU my comrades.  YOU are supporting me so I am free to learn how to rest, so I am able to regain all aspects of my health (which I believe are completely intertwined as purposely designed by our Creator).  

I am beginning to write out those who have blessed me, to publicly acknowledge my comrades.  I am abundantly thankful.  Yet in initiating this task I am floored by the enormity of the list and realize this is not a simple project.  So here again, I am simply brought to reiterate, THANK YOU.    

Its a battlefield

I’m bubbling over here, my friends!  What a few weeks I’ve had.  God is speaking.  God is moving.  God is mighty. And thank God, because it’s a battlefield out there.  As you read my words remember that I struggle daily, just like you.  Indeed, my personal battle is waged daily in my heart and in my mind just as much as in my body.

This past week I’ve been feeling top-notch.  We’ve had so much support that I can just focus on being WELL even with our nanny away.  Thank you!!! (Insert jazzy hands right here). I am in a season where God is speaking to me that I need to learn how to rest.  Like really rest.  I am still clinging, grasping, clenching onto the control of what is left in my control.  I need to release it.  It is biblical and it is good for my health in all capacities to do so.  I am fighting this notion of rest.  I will share what I journalled this morning; but, I also want to let you know some background turmoil in my soul.  I had my MRI Monday, saw my oncologist Tuesday.  His impression, though he clearly stated he was awaiting the radiologist’s report, was no tumor growth.  Then today I got the call back: a small area of “enhancement”. My doctor’s impression is that this enhancement is residual swelling from the radiation, particularly given my fantastic well-being.  (My friend’s impression is that ‘enhancement’ means I now have a superpower! ;)  I knew this scan could give ambiguous results since swelling can’t be differentiated from tumor growth; however, it was still unnerving to hear these results.

After hearing the results emotion ensued, a conversation with Ryan occurred, Ryan prayed and followed it up with a “chin-up, live life fully no matter what it throws at you” pep talk.  And here I am evermore empowered and emboldened to share my heart, my life, my learning. 

It’s a battlefield out there people.  It’s a war zone.  Satan is trying to steal our joy.  I firmly believe he is and he is waging the war starting in our minds.  Our minds are a powerhouse when properly fitted for battle.  So let’s fit them properly! 

Ephesians 6:10-18New Living Translation (NLT)

The Whole Armor of God 

¹⁰ A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. ¹² For we^[a] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

¹³ Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. ¹⁴ Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. ¹⁵ For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.^[b] 16 In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.^[c] 17 Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

¹⁸ Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.^[

Put on your armor!!!! My friends, you who love Jesus, PUT ON YOUR ARMOR! Put this armor on so you can be equipped to really love as we are called to do.  My comrades, its going to be a hard battle.  The battle for a fulfilled life is not an easy one.  I get it. At least I’m starting to.  In Matthew 7 Jesus tells us, ¹³ “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy^[a]that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. ¹⁴ For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.”

I let Jesus’ words speak for themselves because they are clear and wise.  I exhort you to seek out their wisdom.  You see, we all have numbered days.  Cancer clarifies and highlights this in my life.  (I hope you don’t have to have cancer to clearly see this.)  I remind you again that we’re in a battle.  We have numbered days.  We need to make them count.  We need to throw off the junk. That’s the sin that so easily entangles us that Hebrews 12 talks about: pride, control, fear etc. (those are my life examples).  Throw them off and claim truth!  Say truth outloud (mine right now is from Joshua 1:9 – through out the day I say outloud “I am strong, I am courageous, God is with me wherever I go.") Say it outloud so you believe it.  Say it outloud so Satan can know he can scram! (There’s a cotton patch version of Matthew and it has Jesus say “Scram satan” when Satan is tempting him.  I love it.)

I believe right now I am to be in a season of rest.  It is a training ground allowing space for passions to incubate.  You are my comrades here.  I encourage you to join me.  My friend stated the other night that he wished for the personal, internal, spiritual growth he hears me speak of, without the cancer part.  I hear you!  And that is why I embrace you all in my journey.  That is why I fight the notion that I don’t necessarily have anything profoundly new to say; and rather share with you my experiences.  That is why I say: “Lean into Jesus with me like you have never done before.  Throw off the junk and let’s see God move spectacularly, profoundly, majestically, supernaturally – (there’s not one word to describe it)!!!”      

Update March 23, 2017

It’s becoming harder to write.  My head is fuzzier and stringing thoughts together takes more concentration than I would like.  But you can be certain that I still have so much to say! And so, I will just keep fighting harder to keep sharing my journey and how God is speaking into this journey that life is taking me on.  Thank you for joining me here.  Thank you for replying with notes of encouragement.  They are incredibly valuable to me.  My email is Cheryl.rostek@gmail.com for those who don't have it.  I do not promise to always reply, or sometimes it takes up to a month.  But I thank you to those who have taken time to write me.  And thank you for your prayers.  Keep praying.  during my chemo treatment and "recovery" I find it hard to formulate prayers of my own.  I depend on yours and thank you for them.  Prayer is so powerful!

On a practical note, people are asking us how they can help.  We have many needs coming up.  Our nanny is going away for a week on April 3.  My parents left today.  Ryan’s mom won’t be able to lift the twins for another couple months due to her hip replacement (She had been helping us Sat and Monday mornings).  I am still tired from the crazy week of illness and chemo and am trying to recuperate myself before next chemo round (starts April 6).  My friend has started a meal/help train website for us. 

https://www.mealtrain.com/trains/49v7z8

I direct you there to sign up to help us out if that is something within your means and abilities.  (note our average daily schedule is Rise Early, our nanny comes at 9, twins and Rayna play/hopefully get outside in the morning, lunch then naps (usually ~2 hours long) around 12:30.  Supper around 5PM, bedtime around 7 PM. Note: Rayna is away from home on Wed, Thurs, Fri.) 

The Beautiful Ugly

The beautiful Ugly

Behold the beauty around you.

Do not let it pass you on by

As you

            Flutter around frantic

As you

Fret

As you

            Grieve

As you mess up. And again mess up. And can’t seem to get it right.

Lift your head up so you can see.

Open your eyes so you can engage.

Let your heart flood your being and pour into your mouth so you can truly acknowledge:

The beauty. Everywhere.

The beauty is there. Find it.

Find it so that

Cancer isn’t center stage –

            Living is

Find it so that

Children know they are so deeply loved and in that confidence they can change the world – starting today

Find it so that

            You fling open the doors of every opportunity you’ve wanted to explore.

Find it so that

You slow down the hurricane that rages in the frantic, full, frenzied lives of our our society

Find your humanity, your humanness, because it is a broad canvas for the beauty I speak of.

And seek out love.

The fuel of love is the ONLY way to wage war in the fight for beauty. 

Do not be deceived, we have to FIGHT for it!

Lies abound.

Our enemy Satan starts lies in our heads, he continues them into our society propagating them into peoples’ lives at every opportunity

Fight with me.

I fight:

I fight to see beauty.

I cling to the unfailing love of God.

It fuels me.

To keep seeing beauty.

To keep fighting to see the beauty. 

To declare:

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” (I Cor. 13:7)

And I fight against these for myself and for others:

Lies of inadequacy

Lies of worthlessness starting with my dreams

(My children, never stop dreaming, trying out your dreams, and living your dreams.)

Lies of shame

Lies of powerlessness

I claim this truth instead:

I am so valuable. I am so loved. I have so much value to pour into others. Everyday. Every. Day. 

Life the last couple weeks has been full of snot, puke, and diarrhea....And chemo.  It was rotten. Putrid rottenness that I didn't know how we'd get through. But let me tell you, as we're turning the corner (please Lord!) with health and my chemo side effects starting to improve, I feel ALIVE!  Full of LIFE, and I invite you to find the life through whatever rottenness is stinking up your days and then celebrate. Celebrate the air in your lungs!!!! And then with those lungs praise God for your life!!!!

God's love is an ocean

It is beautiful here in Oceanside California, a bit cool, but that's okay. Yesterday my heart was absolutely delighted to watch my children loving playing in the sand.  Today a cold is keeping me out of the action, but that's okay- it is interesting how perspective changes: I would have been so disappointed and annoyed to have a cold on vacation before. Now I am just happy to be able to be here even if I'm resting more, and I'm just grateful to not have a fever which would require medical assessment.

I love to be by water. Typically being at the lake is my favorite place to be. Of course I do love to be by the ocean as well, but I'll admit that I'm more of a freshwater kinda girl.  This week, however,  being by the ocean has been powerfully therapeutic. I am taken by the ocean. It is captivating and it calls to me a reminder of God's love. I keep hearing it, seeing it, feeling it: the call. The call to acknowledge Him: Creator God, Maker of heavens and this beautiful earth reflecting His glory.  And I hear it, see it and feel it: God's love. Because God's love is an ocean: vast, mighty, and beautiful.

And here I thank God for these moments to acknowledge His goodness and His greatness. And I pray that God's love would wash over me and that it's power would be unleashed within me.  I want to live changed. I want to catalyze change. And as Gandhi wrote, I want to be the change I long to see in the world.

I did not intend here to pull out my thoughts about the church, but i don't see how I can leave them aside. These are some thoughts that have been pressed upon my heart:

We need to shake up this church, it's become routine, this Sunday morning thing, but it is not intended to just be routine in our lives! It's our very fuel and our purpose to love the church and LIVE as the church. We need to seek God with all our hearts so we find Him. I pray for our church to be empowered and to live boldly.

We can change the world! When and why did I stop believing this? I got busy, even in trying not to just live like everyone else, I was. But it is possible to be the change we want to see in the world. I want my kids to see that I live knowing I can change the world so they too will use their lives to also. We are the church! We are backed by a Powerhouse ready to pour out a flood of love that changes everything. We don't need to be equipped and ready, we need to move! We need to move our mouths to put out love from our lips. We need to move our hands to hug and touch and do that what needs to be done to show humanity her beauty in Christ's image. We need to move our feet to go when we are called, where we are called. We need to move the fear aside. We need to usher in the hope. We need to BE the church, everyday in all circumstances. Oh this is hard, because life gets hard. But the one who raised Christ from the dead lives within us! I pray the church would rise up to really show what God's glory is all about. Likewise I pray to God:  empower me to live boldly for You. God open my eyes to those who need Your love flowing through me. God your love is an ocean: vast powerful and beautiful. Unleash it in my life. Empower me to live changed, to catalyze change, and be the change I want to see around me.

I'll admit that the reason I did not intend to share these thoughts and prayers for the church is because I'm not sure how well I'm doing in this area. But, let me tell you it is my plan to seek God and find Him as I seek Him with ALL my heart. Cancer woke up my soul to REALLY seek God; yet, it still amazes me how quickly I am distracted. I am an imperfect human writing about concepts I am FAR from perfecting. But I am reminded in I Peter 4:8 that love covers over a multitude of sin. And I am reminded  in Matthew 22 of the great Commandments to love my God with all my heart and soul and mind. And to love my neighbor as myself. So I will press into these and keep praying and keep seeking and keep asking God to open my eyes to His vast, mighty, and beautiful ocean of love.

Update Feb 16/17

There is so much I want to share and so much I want to say and so much I want to make sure is on paper and it makes me scramble to know where to start.  So I will just plunge right in and what comes rambling out is what you get to read.  

Phil 4:13 “ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” 

Boy, has the necessity of this verse taken on new and full meaning for me!

Let me give you a brief glimpse of what it’s been like to be Cheryl Rostek this past week or 2.  Excitement rolled in with a big wave as trip plans come together.  Vacationing is big for our family.  Ryan and I like to have fun and like to make trip plans whenever possible.  It has been more challenging to find the time and energy to make these plans; but let me share what’s in the works!  We are off to California next week with Ryan’s Mom and with his Brother’s family.  We are also shaping up our summer plans, and we will be going to the Shuswaps with a group of friends for a week and from there journey to Sask. to hit up Camp Oshkidee again, this time with my family along (trying to avoid the twin gongshow that was last year!).  All these things bring great excitement.  BUT then last week my vision started to get even “funnier” than it has been most recently (it went back to almost normal post-op, then slowly through treatment started getting screwy again)  it is manageable but makes me nervous about what’s going on in my brain.  This change started Wed.  and I started my round of chemo last Thursday (5 days on, 23 days off). I since have become more tired and a touch dizzy (any dizziness alarms me because it was one of the first symptoms I had before diagnosis). 

Nervous. On edge. That is how these physical changes make me feel and how they are managing to occupy too much space in my mind.  Now these could be due to post-radiation swelling that happens in 50% of people, or some could be attributed to the higher chemo dose I received, or my thoughts have been plaguing me with the idea that ….. is the cancer coming back already….. how much time do I have before I can’t write anymore…..I have so many letters to write to my kids yet, so many things to document…will I be able to actually go on these vacations I’m excited about? And I’m gripped.

That state is not real living.

I

am

living. 

As long as I have breath I am living. And I plan to do just that: LIVE. (not wallow or freeze in fear)

I have been overcome lately with the beauty that surrounds me.  Life is so very beautiful if we open our eyes. And the beauty of humanity and of the human experience is pinnacle in viewing a world of beauty.  Human life is sacred.  Every stage of human life.  I’m reminded of my Grandma Elias and watching her live and watching her struggle with the vice of dementia.  Visiting her, feeding her, holding her hands.  Seeing how hard that was for my Dad to watch: his mother disappearing before she left this world.  But the beauty of being able to be present in my grandmother’s life in all those days is profound for me.  She never ceased to be my grandma.  She never ceased to be beautiful.  She never ceased to be loved.

And isn’t that what it’s about?  LOVE. 1 Cor 13 was brought afresh to me this week: “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”  Life is not easy for Ryan and I.  It is so hard.  We are both maxed out and the demands of life, both physical and emotional, press on us.   But love endures.  How? The only way for a human to obtain such enduring love is to receive the crazy, incredible, indescribable love of Jesus Christ.  It is only when we open ourselves up to be in Christ’s love that we are able to love in every circumstance.  And here the beauty of humanity becomes spectacular as God pours out the power of his love through us.  It’s truly brilliant! And thank God for it.  Because I can’t do this. I can’t do this cancer battle.  It’s SO hard.  Here I pause to cry because I am emotional this week and because life is always on the verge of breaking. And it’s just so hard.

 

Thankfully I have a heavenly Father to hold me together.  Because like I said, as long as I have breath I intend to live.  As long as I have breath, I am alive.  As long as I have breath I hold so much beauty within and before me. 

So now I ask you.  Please pray for me. Please pray for my family.  Pray for the God-given strength to keep going and more than to keep going, to THRIVE.  Pray for these symptoms to stabilize, or better yet, disappear.  Pray for my marriage to be blessed richly. For my children’s hearts to be sealed for God and guarded from harm.  I am not sorry my children have to go through this experience in that it will allow them, I believe, to see the beautiful in life much more readily; but, they are so tender, they need to be guarded from the war that wages on thoughts and emotions, so please pray for them for today and for the tomorrows to come.  Pray also that I would have wisdom for words to pen to my children.  And pray that I would have spaces (time) to put these words on paper.  Pray that our holidays would go smooth and be lovely and enriching times.  I will be traveling to the states next week.  I am not insured for any cancer-related issues.  This was a calculated decision, but I still ask for prayer while away that medical care isn’t even a glimpse of a thought while away.  Pray for our nanny, Stefanie. She has been sick so frequently, and she doesn’t usually get sick. Pray for her health to be restored both for her sake as well as for the benefit of our family. 

And praise God for you!!! I am blessed to know I am surrounded. (ps. My freezer is overflowing with soup!!!) Thank you for your prayers.  I pray blessings on your families as well.  Rich, rich blessings to those who journey with me.

 Much love to you all,

Cheryl          

  Romans 8:

 ³¹  If God is for us, who can ever be against us? ³² Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else?³³ Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. ³⁴ Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

³⁵ Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? ³⁶ (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”^[o]) ³⁷ No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

³⁸ And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[p] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.