Want

I was training for a half-marathon until before Christmas, when I over-did it and strained my knee. Since then I have been busy tending to other matters in my life. However, this morning, being on holidays in the beautiful weather of South Florida, I started Day 1 of my back to running program (I must say my program is rather vague, but in essence determining that I am ready to be in the head space to get back at it and take the necessary proactive measures to ensure my success, this is what initiating my running program is. So as Day 1 of this program, it feels good to be ready to restore myself to an activity I love.) So I have just returned from a run/walk. Two months ago I would have scoffed at running for 1 min and walking for 4 minutes. But today, I am refreshed. This refreshment is so welcome today. As I was walking my thoughts were able to collect themselves. And below I shall write how my thought processes have worked themselves out.

Yesterday I was thinking about the exciting news of all the dear people around us who are pregnant (can I put it more clearly that indeed in the whole of my heart I am thrilled for them?) Yet at the same time it feels odd to share that genuine excitement with a deep sense of want. In a way I feel like a child with unruly want, like in a toy shop or a candy shop. It is an un-thought-out deep want. It feels selfish and at the same time simply so present in my gut. I am a woman who likes to make things happen especially when I have strong passions and desires. I like to formulate plans and I am dedicated to following through to the end result. I can not do that in this situation. I want to be pregnant along with our dear friends. But it rests out of my control.

I think to the Psalms of David that I have been reading lately. Just 2 days ago I wrote how he was so real with God. I feel like this deep want inside of me is too selfish to bring before my God. But then as I think of David and I realize I can be real before my God. How wonderful is that.

So now I plead with you God. I ask you from the depths of my heart. God I want to be pregnant so badly. I want to share with my friends at the same time to be pregnant, because God Ryan and I feel ready to have a baby and God we want a baby and God I want a healthy pregnancy. God, why did you allow our pregnancy and our baby to be born in May to be taken from us? It is because of your plans, isn’t it? But God I still must tell you the longings of my heart. Listen to me, oh God. I know you hear me when I speak and so I speak plainly to you now: Open my womb to conceive this month, God! And Lord while I am in this place, I pray for my wonderful, God-fearing friend* who desires a child also. God, do you not know her heart? Have you not heard her pleading with you? So God, on behalf of her also, I come to You and ask you also to open her womb.

And as I open my heart plainly to You, so there is no secret between us God, well I return to this place where I know You are faithful and I know You provide. So God, provide for Ryan and I as we wait to be pregnant again, as we wait for a healthy baby to hold in our arms. Provide patience and wisdom. God in this season of want, show us Your face of wisdom, Your arms of compassion, Your heart full of love. This is a bumpy road, God, hold me secure so I don’t get too jostled.

So here I have come from disappointment to anger and frustration to sorrow to want. It is indeed a bumpy journey, but God I trust You to provide joy along the way and in the “end” a joy that is uncomparable.

Always Your child,

Cheryl

*I am so thankful for the beautiful friends and friendships God so generously provides and I pray for all those women and couples I know who have had miscarriages or are waiting for children, Lord bless them with a healthy pregnancy and baby in the near future.