MRI Day!

Okay so not the best picture of me, but I suppose that's part of the point as I invite you more intimately into my journey with Glioblastoma.
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Today is MRI day.  In the past I've kept my MRI date and results day secret, except to my closest circle, for fear of not having good news to share.  Anxiety used to saturate the gap between MRI and results.  Today during my 30 minute MRI I practiced some of the measures that have empowered me to say "goodbye" to anxiety during this gap.  Namely mindfulness, meditation, systematic relaxation, gratitude, and faith. 
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Does anxiety still try to surface? Yes! Just last night I had a moment of fright, "what if the results show tumor growth?!" (Every single MRI!). But by recognizing these anxiety inducing thoughts quickly, I can squash them by pressing into what I know to be true in this very moment (because no one knows their futures right?!) Life is a good and precious gift, today is a great day and I will not dismiss today's life and joy by worrying about tomorrow's problems.

Let's expect good things together, are you with me?!

XOXO
Cheryl

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Blackberries and my Spiritual Awakening

Blackberries!!!!  I had a wonderful time with my kids by the River Park here in beautiful Chilliwack BC, complete with a blackberry picking stroll.  This 3 year old tried following me into the bushes to grab her own fruit.  But the thing with blackberry bushes is their thorns are nasty and seem to come alive and snarl you- cutting your skin, entangling your clothing.  Picking these berries is a risky endeavor.
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This got me thinking about life.  The past 3-4 years were VERY challenging filled with mothering twin babies, facing my death sentence diagnosis of glioblastoma, and the trauma that ensued. These are the nasty thorns I've had to press through.  **BUT** the fruit I've harvested from being forced to go deep into the thorns and get cut up (and choosing to keep pressing through):  love, joy, peace, hope, goodness.  This is the very fruit that I've discovered in my glioblastoma-driven spiritual awakening.  And let me tell you, THIS fruit is the sweetest!
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What have the thorns and the blackberries looked like in your life?  Share below or send me a note at info@cherylrostek.com


XOXO
Cheryl

What Makes you feel fully Alive?

I picked up "Befriending the Stranger" by Jean Vanier in the thrift store the other day. I almost didn't buy it, one more thing to declutter later... But I like Jean Vanier and my daughter was making a purchase so I thought "sure it's only 50 cents".  Well turns out this book is amazing and so full of wisdom about identity, the strength of weakness, vulnerability, grace, grieving the loss that certain callings on life require and SO much more that affirms what I've been learning and wanting to learn this past year with tremendous clarity.

Others may call it coincidence or serendipity.  I call it Jesus walloping me in the face. Whatever you call it, I'm wanting more because the more I press in the more ALIVE than ever I feel. And I fully agree with Jean, "Jesus yearns for us to become fully alive and so to communicate life to others."

What makes you feel fully alive?  I'd love to hear from you! Comment below or find me on Instagram @cherylrostek.


XOXO
Cheryl

Come close and listen

It is time for me to press into being a writer.  This scares me. It's unknown terrain and it means (at least for a season) I am setting aside my straight forward profession of being pharmacist. My first day working in the pharmacy dispensary I said, "I am NEVER changing careers again!!". Well, brain cancer has thrust me here and God has gently, persistently nudged me further.  I've been pushing back, but I've come through a year of tremendous growth. And so, it's time.

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I invite you to journey with me as I seriously press in to writing (and publishing 😬)a book about my journey battling glioblastoma as well as editting the novel I started writing 10 years ago, which became a bucket list item to finish and publish when brain cancer entered my life. I appreciate the company ❤️ (did I mention I know NOTHING about publishing?!)

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 It's like the pink Cyclone waterslide at West Edmonton Mall that I daringly went on in Jan.😬 (See pic below to understand what the slide is like- they lock you in the slide and the floor drops out on you!): Terrifying and exhilarating! I look forward to having you on my journey!

XOXO

Cheryl

Ingratitude

Ingratitude runs through me right now and w when I finally stop to pause I am appalled at myself.  Be kind to yourself, I remind myself.  Be kind, be gracious, and I know that practicing gratitude is the only way to cut through this extreme annoyance that I'm letting ruin my weekend.

We have just moved into a new (to us) house. The yellow house, as opposed to the "blue house" my twins affectionately refer to our condo we moved from.  Yes, we are no longer condo dwellers with 3 children and that feels so nice.  And we also happen to have a very beautiful new house.  What a gift! I am grateful for this "gateway of hope" for our family. Space to be and breathe and grow.  it is truly WONDERFUL. I am stunned with my human nature that I find myself so full of ingratitude today.

You see our beautiful new home has central Air conditioning, yay!  which is wonderful as we've moved in summer.  My ingratitude is rooted in the fact that the fan on the AC has broken on our new house and the forecast is 30C+ temps this week.  Ingratitude seeps in bringing a filthy stink into my day and my heart.  As my kids struggle to go to sleep in the heat bitterness is wide awake in my soul.

Oh Cheryl! A couple short years ago I would have been overflowing with gratitude to know what my life holds today. I would have been awestruck, I would have hugged my family so tight, no matter how sweaty the embrace got.  Oh, How quickly I forget (and how good it is to remember, regularly remember- like how the Israelites in the Old Testament easily forget how God has been faithful to them and they are told over and over to remember).  How quickly my gratitude for this home turns to seething ingratitude, as if I am owed the luxuries of this home.  And I must quickly as I can and in every hot moment that comes, remember.

Given all I've faced in life, I'm sure people must think it comes easier for me to have gratitude for everyday.  To remember and be thankful. I think it ought to. And in many ways and most days it ABSOLUTELY does. However I am human just like you and the (not so) funny thing with "having so much to be grateful for" is that shame is so much thicker for me when gratitude is hard to find. 

And so:

I must retrain my thoughts each day towards gratitude. I must force gratitude to come, when it does not want to. I must counter ingratitude with gratitude, spoken aloud in realtime.  Even when my teeth are gritted together and my arm pits are sweating.

I must remember to give thanks for what I have.

I must turn my eyes from what is wrong with my world and remember what is true: I am blessed beyond measure.  Who am I to deserve w,x,y, and z? (This home, my family, my health, this breath in my lungs? ) I am not worthy.  It is only by the grace of my Marvelous Creator that I hold these gifts as mine.  Only by this grace.  this kind, compassionate, loving grace.

So whether I am cool as a cucumber or one hot mess; whether it comes easily or through teeth gritted together: I CHOOSE GRATITUDE.

And guess what? though I wanted to stay disgruntled (why? I'm really not sure)the kids are liking their new campout in our basement just fine, see the picture to prove it!

Much grace to all of you wherever your journey finds you.

XOXO, Cheryl

New and old beginnings

New and old beginnings ❤️

 Yesterday was a day to celebrate a new beginning (the day started with packing up to move from our condo into a house!!! Aren't we growing up?!) ...


And to remember old beginnings - our 17th wedding ANNIVERSARY.  Thank you Cultus Lake for having fireworks on our anniversary, made for a wonderful date with the man I'm so grateful to wake up beside everyday ❤️ I am so head over heels in love with this amazing man I get to call husband.  Though words are my "thing", they fail me here. Snuggling on a the blanket on the beach watching the fireworks was a great life descriptor of our love. XOXO,  I love you Ryan.

#soinlove #fireworks #celebrate #beginnings #grateful  #eachdayisagift

Winnipeg!!!!

The longest I’ve ever been away from my kids and I went to….Winnipeg??!!  Oh ya! And it was all kinds of wonderful!  I’ve been looking forward to this trip for over a year when my cousin announced she was getting married.  Not only was going to a family wedding awesome, but I also got to reconnect with a friend I hadn’t seen in years and meet a friend in person, for the very first time!

Highlights:

Spending time with extended family (most whom I hadn’t seen for many years) who are so warm, loving, encouraging and hospitable (thank you!).  Receiving hugs with joyful tears to see in person just how well I am doing.  Getting to know cousins better and loving them that much more.  Reconnecting with my 2 “best-friend” cousins like old times. 

Experiencing a first: being so emotional and tearing up at a wedding.  These were tears of happiness, joy and gratitude. The love and excitement and nervousness (My cousin officiating his very first wedding- his sister’s) present.  The beauty of marriage: the love and hope and promise.  Seeing myself in this wedding and thinking of how much more deeply and beautifully in love Ryan and I are now, and being overwhelmingly grateful for that.  I was so glad to be there.

(My cousin's super cute son I got to hang out with)

Then off to my dear friend’s house, a fellow cancer survivor whose journey has not been easy.  We talked and shared struggles.  She wrote it so well about our on a Facebook post, she’s given me permission to share it here:

We met 10 years ago and once upon a time were in the same small group together. We moved away in 2012 and hadn't keep in super close touch until fall of 2016 when I found out she had cancer. I prayed hard for her as she fought brain cancer. Months later when I was diagnosed with appendix cancer she was a source of encouragement to me even though now an ocean separated us. 

And now here we are together again. We never would have thought one day we'd connect in this way because of frienship and the commonality of being cancer survivors. There is something so wonderful about having another person understand the effects of trauma on a body (and relationships) and the frustration of chemo brain and the struggle to find balance between caring for your family and household and yourself. No judgement here just grace, love and understanding.

It has been refreshing to catch up, share our stories, pray together, talk about hope, to gain insight from the amazing things she was taught by her medical team like the cancer prevention diet, the power of hope and positivity and visualization.

Thank you Cheryl for coming to visit. I hope we can do it again someday.

Our time together was so life-giving.  She brought my thoughts back round to what I’ve been learning this past year and to Brene Brown teaching that we need to have a very short list of whose opinions of us matter, and then disregard the rest.  As I thought about this I realized I carry the weight around of many opinions that do not matter.  This is stifling.  More than stifling its like being in a hot air balloon tethered to the ground with 4 ropes.  I’ve felt like I’ve been able to cut most of those ropes, yet I still struggle to “brave the wilderness” as Brene would say. To step into the unknown boldly and bravely, even though uncertainty is great.  To stand in the wilderness strong against the voices that say “you don’t belong here” or “why is she doing that?!” or “why isn’t she doing that?!” : opinions you know are going on (or worry that they are) in people’s heads.  I think perhaps this is the last rope I need to cut.  This visit has been so beneficial in seeing this.  Amazing what happens when we share our stories with others and teach one another what we have learned: we learn ourselves!

I also was able to meet a friend for the very first time.  A fellow twin mom who was also diagnosed with cancer when her babes were infants.  It was wonderful.  At one point I said to her, “I really like you!”  Meeting face to face was so great!

This visit filled my soul in so many beautiful ways.  And the gratitude continued as my husband shared when I arrived home the truth of the challenges of me being away.  Not that he had to make meals and get kids to school and daycare and activities (though I’m sure those were a challenge too).  But that in those first days he had to face emotions of “this would be what it would be like if Cheryl had died.”  With my diagnosis there is always this underbelly, even in remission when I am doing so well.  This underbelly reminds us, we have so very much to be grateful for today.  So very much.

I know I’ve been saying this a lot recently, but gratitude has been absolutely vital in enabling me to thrive.  Grace and gratitude are powerful and have been essential in continually being able to press forward into hope.

As I share my story with you, I hope you too feel the warmth of my embrace, like the ones my extended family doles out so well.  And I hope that you feel like my extended family, because you are.

Blessings,

XOXO

Cheryl

#friendship #cancersurvivors #creatingnewnorms #notalone