Ingratitude

Ingratitude runs through me right now and w when I finally stop to pause I am appalled at myself.  Be kind to yourself, I remind myself.  Be kind, be gracious, and I know that practicing gratitude is the only way to cut through this extreme annoyance that I'm letting ruin my weekend.

We have just moved into a new (to us) house. The yellow house, as opposed to the "blue house" my twins affectionately refer to our condo we moved from.  Yes, we are no longer condo dwellers with 3 children and that feels so nice.  And we also happen to have a very beautiful new house.  What a gift! I am grateful for this "gateway of hope" for our family. Space to be and breathe and grow.  it is truly WONDERFUL. I am stunned with my human nature that I find myself so full of ingratitude today.

You see our beautiful new home has central Air conditioning, yay!  which is wonderful as we've moved in summer.  My ingratitude is rooted in the fact that the fan on the AC has broken on our new house and the forecast is 30C+ temps this week.  Ingratitude seeps in bringing a filthy stink into my day and my heart.  As my kids struggle to go to sleep in the heat bitterness is wide awake in my soul.

Oh Cheryl! A couple short years ago I would have been overflowing with gratitude to know what my life holds today. I would have been awestruck, I would have hugged my family so tight, no matter how sweaty the embrace got.  Oh, How quickly I forget (and how good it is to remember, regularly remember- like how the Israelites in the Old Testament easily forget how God has been faithful to them and they are told over and over to remember).  How quickly my gratitude for this home turns to seething ingratitude, as if I am owed the luxuries of this home.  And I must quickly as I can and in every hot moment that comes, remember.

Given all I've faced in life, I'm sure people must think it comes easier for me to have gratitude for everyday.  To remember and be thankful. I think it ought to. And in many ways and most days it ABSOLUTELY does. However I am human just like you and the (not so) funny thing with "having so much to be grateful for" is that shame is so much thicker for me when gratitude is hard to find. 

And so:

I must retrain my thoughts each day towards gratitude. I must force gratitude to come, when it does not want to. I must counter ingratitude with gratitude, spoken aloud in realtime.  Even when my teeth are gritted together and my arm pits are sweating.

I must remember to give thanks for what I have.

I must turn my eyes from what is wrong with my world and remember what is true: I am blessed beyond measure.  Who am I to deserve w,x,y, and z? (This home, my family, my health, this breath in my lungs? ) I am not worthy.  It is only by the grace of my Marvelous Creator that I hold these gifts as mine.  Only by this grace.  this kind, compassionate, loving grace.

So whether I am cool as a cucumber or one hot mess; whether it comes easily or through teeth gritted together: I CHOOSE GRATITUDE.

And guess what? though I wanted to stay disgruntled (why? I'm really not sure)the kids are liking their new campout in our basement just fine, see the picture to prove it!

Much grace to all of you wherever your journey finds you.

XOXO, Cheryl