Pause

I am a recovering overachiever.  Being an overachiever is praised in our society.  I thrived in the praise I received for academic achievements.  I hold myself back from listing them right now.  And in motherhood, well I prided myself in being a capable mother.  I can’t believe myself when I think about the conversations Ryan and I had discussing whether to have a second child.  I was on the “for” side and he was apprehensive.  I told him not to worry about the infancy stage that he finds so challenging, because I could take care of that myself. Over-achiever, self-sufficient, capable.  Do you think God was trying to teach me something when twins came along and I most certainly could not take care of 2 babies on my own?!  (Sorry God for being a slow learner, because oh how I very much tried to still show that I could do it myself.  As I write these words it kinda (okay…completely) sounds like a tantruming toddler).

Unfortunately, it took the one step further, brain cancer diagnosis, for me to stop and re-evaluate.

I am on a path to discovering the sweetness of being present, of living in the moment, of allowing myself to enjoy life even when it doesn’t meet the metrics of evaluation I place on it.

I am learning about my personality through reading The Road Back to You (1) , and discovering through reading Getting Well Again (2) the attributes of my personality can encourage disease progression.

When the personality book told me “don’t wait until you…. are the youngest person in your family to have a heart attack before you ask the question, ‘Who am I if I’m not my persona?’”  I sat up straight and took note.  I haven’t had a heart attack; but I kinda think stage 4 brain cancer may be worse.  I need to stop trying to achieve for achievements sake.  I need to learn how to be healthy.  I need to be in tune with myself: body, soul, and mind.  No more going through the motions. No more living someone else’s idea of greatness.  No more doing something simply because that’s what’s done.

This is a challenging, freeing process. 

Along this road Psalm 118:24 guides me:

“This is the day that the Lord has made;

let us rejoice and be glad in it.”

Before the twins were born I chose this to be the verse I would look to when days were tough and I couldn’t find joy.  Did the verse help in these moments? No.  Because how could I find joy in the sleeplessness, in the non-stop nursing, pumping milk, bottle-feeding, diaper changing x 2?  How could I find joy when nothing else got done?  How could I find joy when a few months later it became nursing, diapers, feeding solid foods, cleaning high chair trays x 2 just to have enough time to repeat the process again?  How could I possibly find joy when I was doing SO much and felt like I was doing SO little?

I didn’t realize the answer was:  perspective and choice.

These days now, I am equally tired, there are still non-stop mouths to feed.  But I am choosing to be healthy.  I am choosing to say “no” to the over-achiever in me.  I am choosing to ask for the help I need.  I am choosing to accept that I cannot do it all, that it was only ever an illusion when I felt that I could do it all and that the precipitation of serious cancer in my life at age 34 shows this very clearly (3). And what I am finding is the ability to rejoice in each day for what God has given me.

As I sit and write this my computer is sitting on crumbs, the table cluttered with kids’ breakfast dishes, there is so much to be done (always SO much to be done); but the most important task of the day is to choose to find gratitude, to choose to find joy, to choose to be in tune with my soul, and to choose to find praise for God who reveals more truths about me than any personality book ever could.  Some days I feel like making these choices for gratitude, joy, self-awareness, praise for God. Often times I do not feel like making these choices; but, I decide to anyways.  And as I turn my eyes upon Jesus I am able to write words like this:

Pause

I pause to find the artist in my soul, 

to find the poetic in my life 

so I can crack open beauty 

in the midst of 

sleepless nights, 

children coughing, 

kids fighting, 

noses dripping, 

groggy dads, 

moms on the verge of going crazy 

and thoughts of terminal cancer pecking in the background.

When I pause to breathe

I can be thankful in it all,

I can see the touch of my Creator surround me and 

I can remember that 

it's gonna be okay. 

I can choose that 

today is a good day. 

Though everything is calling me 

to be frantic

I can 

pause 

and find peace

and joy

and hope

and love

and more life than I could have ever imagined.

Yes,

I can pause 

and 

enjoy 

this

one

Sweet

Life 

I've been given.

--------------------------------  

1)     The Road Back to You: An enneagram journey to self-discovery.  By Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile.

2)     Getting Well Again. By O.Carl Simonton, Stephanie Matthews-Simonton, and James L. Creighton.

3)     I am NOT saying my personality and the stress of having twins caused cancer.  Be sure to see that I am saying I believe it precipitated cancer in my life.  This idea is supported by O.Carl et al. who states that most people who develop cancer have a stressful event 6 – 18 months prior to diagnosis.

      4) The image is of a beautiful bush I pass by everyday walking Rayna to school.  This morning I stopped to enjoy its lovely purple berries (or whatever they are) and this poem came to me.  Isn't purple just a lovely color?!

Who I really am

(Savouring a moment of fall beauty this morning!  It is so good to live in Chilliwack where fall extends into November!)

Disclaimer

I feel I need to preface this post reminding my readers that my life is much messier than my poetic words can make it sound.  I hope you realize that I write my “findings” not because I’ve now arrived and learned them; but, rather because I too need daily reminders to embrace them and placing them here in black and white facilitates that process.  Please remember, when I write I am in a good space.  I am in my happy spot and I can find the positives in all lifes up and down.  I have had time to process the good, the bad and the ugly of my life and come out with a gem.  But.  Oh but.  To find that gem there is a bunch of ugly to sort through. 

The purpose of my writing is firstly as a therapy for me: spending time in a hobby that fills my soul.  Secondly, I desire that my words serve as encouragement to those who read them.  I desire that the gems I’ve uncovered through the muck of my life will breathe peace and joy into your lives.  Because I hope to encourage all with my words I feel I need to draw you deeper into my experience with me.  While my story is different than yours, I remind you that we all have different stories.  We all have different kinds of difficulties.  Through out our lifetimes life will present each one of us with insurmountable difficulties.  Though these difficulties are different for each of us, the human story is such that at some point this insurmountable difficulty will come our way.  You and I are all comrades on this journey of life. 

Furthermore, I hope today to show you a glimpse of my struggling soul.  I am a performance driven perfectionist.  I like to achieve and achieve at the highest level.  Do you know what that means? No room for failure.  Do you know what that means?  I don’t like to give voice to the bad and the ugly of my life.  On my journey of understanding myself better I seek to change this; however, outright here is my disclaimer: just like people put their best images on social media, so too I present the best of me here.  Please be gracious with me as I seek to bare the ugliness alongside the beauty.

I am learning that the battle for the life I want is real and everyday.  Join me in fighting for it today, tomorrow, the next day and so forth.  And in the process find grace.  Our Creator has a never ending supply of grace, I pray that you and I will let this grace wash over us today.

XOXO

I am honored that all of you are journeying with me.  Isn’t life better together?

The Good: Celebration (written yesterday in response to celebrating my kids’ and my birthdays)

I am exhausted from celebrating.  It was so good, so soul filling and so physically exhausting.  This is life with young kids…always so tired. Always. 

It leaves me asking: was it worth it?

Was it worth it?

This worn out, this spent feeling.  Was it worth it to celebrate my children and myself well?

(Still in the high of it all I reply to myself) Absolutely!  We were given this life to celebrate with! 

To celebrate firstly what Jesus has done, then to celebrate those people he has given us.  To pour out our lives to this end for God’s glory, coming regularly back to the fountain of life, Jesus so we can keep keeping on in this exhausting journey called life which when we pause demands our joyous celebrations!

So today I am exhausted, filled and renewed all at the same time.

I realize I have this: choice.  I choose how to respond to what motherhood throws at me.  So as I return to the hair-pulling, mundane of mothering 3 youngsters, battling my own anxiety along the way, organizing activities and packing lunches and taming tantrums and mood swings and facing toilets that are getting scarier than Halloween, I have a renewed sense that I need to choose to pause and see that LIFE is so GOOD and this life of mine is an incredible, priceless, beautiful GIFT.

This life’s a grueling marathon; but I am choosing to let my life shine brightly so I do not lose the race! (Phil 2:16-17) And I am on mission to celebrate every km covered!

Join me comrades! This race is epic!

End quote from my journal

Back to present day.

Really?! I ask myself chuckling.  I am so freaking tired in this moment.  I have been tired for 3 years and I am worn and I CANNOT muster spunk.  I am glad to sit in front of computer and drink tea and let my introverted self just be, calmly, boringly, no hint of celebration, just BE.  Because what I feel in this moment is reminiscent of this (excerpt from journal Oct 22/18):

Who I really am

I am big and strong

Brave and optimistic

Stepping into the future with

Hope

Oh so much Hope!

I have so much to live for

I have so much left to give.

I have so much to learn,

I have so much to share

I have so much to experience.

In my mind I daily envision cancer being destroyed

By God’s mighty armies.

Obliterated. Denied access. Penetrated. Confused.

I envision strongholds around my healthy body fortified

And nourishment- rich nourishment feeding my body and soul.

(Having read that envisioning optimistic outcomes increases longevity)

I envision splashing in the lake with my teenage children

I envision holding my first grandbaby

I envision cheering my son to athletic victory in high school

I envision my daughters’ weddings and beginning to know my daughter in law.

I envision this all so optimistically.

But when I pause

I weep.

I am so very weary from fighting.

Oh how hard I am fighting.

I am worn and I need

REST.

Desperately, I need rest.

I need that quiet field where I can lie in the soft grass

And smell the flowers.

Where sun warms my body and soul. 

I need that space so quiet, so still, so unaware of time.

A place where I am truly

Quieted.

Where all the tasks do not exist

Where being is all that’s asked of me

Where life is beautiful

Simply because its lived.

I want to lie in this quiet field

Until my soul is full and jam packed

With peace and inspiration

Where I learn to live freely

Uninhibited.

Alive, like I’ve never been before.

Oh God

Take me to THIS field.

Take me to this place where I can see what I really want

Where I can feel what’s really inside

Where anxiety cannot exist.

Where sadness and anger roll in and fight within me so they can be

Released.

My God teach me this peace so

I can bring it with me.

Each step of my path

Teach me how to sit at Your feet

Broken.

Worn.

Confused.

Exhausted.

Unequiped.

To wrestle with the discomfort of it all.

Oh God give me the strength and wisdom that I do not have.

End quote from my journal

I contemplate how to wrap up these 2 dichotomies; how to conclude today.    I think this might be it:

My celebrating self declares that how I choose to respond to life is a choice.  She is optimistic and cheery, celebrating this choice.  However, this choice remains the same in good and bad days.  There are days when I am exhausted: emotionally, physically, both.  There are days when I am at my wits end.  There are days that anxiety clenches my throat.  There are days that hope threatens to evaporate.  Most days faith does not come naturally.   But in these days too, I have the choice of my response.

(I am reminded of my 3 year olds who will scream and not do a task if I tell them to; however if I ask them if they want to clean up now or in 5 minutes, the choice diffuses their emotions.)

I am empowered to choose my response in good days and in bad or sad days.  This is the premise of the gratitude journal I have started; gratitude can be found everyday.

And so…

I choose to savour all that life puts in front of me.  (At a relaxation class yesterday I was learning the practice of savouring the moments of life.  Those who savour life are more satisfied with life.  )

I choose to enjoy celebrating.

I choose to allow myself to rest.

I choose to cling to the Hope of Jesus Christ.

(And remember having choice doesn’t make it is easy; but just like my 3 year olds, it helps diffuse the ugly, so we can get on with the good stuff.)

Isn’t this life a crazy thing?

Psalm 118:24 (Cheryl version):  This is the moment I have been given.  The moments make up my day.  Today I choose to praise God for the gift of moments!  Today I choose to be grateful in these moments. 

Birthday Celebration

Birthdays.

Today is my birthday.  I am 37 years old.  Today I’ve been celebrated so well.  I feel loved, I feel special, I feel irreplaceable and I feel valued.  I am thankful for my family and friends and the blessings I’ve been given: gifts, words, messages, and thoughtfulness.  I woke up and found my 6 year old daughter in the bathroom secretly making me a card before I got up, she was disappointed I spied her, so I let her be.  When she was finished she handed me a stuffie she bought with my husband, that she had wrapped herself this morning, and the birthday card she was working on.  This girl has the gift of encouragement and gave my birthday morning a beautiful uplifting start.  As we sat on the couch she pointed out the roses on the mantel that my husband placed there the night before.  So wonderful!  And then the other 2 kids got up and (eventually;) ) my husband.  I received 2 more stuffies as gifts from my twins and a shirt from my hubby.  My heart was already so full. 

Then I had asked my husband if he would take me to the spa treatment I had booked and then go for a birthday lunch with me.  He chauffeured me.  I was pampered at the spa, (a gift from my sister in law and mother in law) --- I kept reminding myself “it’s okay to be pampered, just enjoy it!”.   When I came home, a gift from a friend awaited me. It has felt so good to be loved on today.  Thank you.  (My high birthday expectations have been met!...and I still have a small gathering on Saturday and an extended family celebration on Sunday!)

Here are my contemplations about my birthday.

On my birthday I love to celebrate.  Oh I have always loved birthdays and loved mine.  It saddened me in my mid-20s when my birthday lost a sort of marvel.  Little did I realize, I simply lost sight of the marvel and failed to preserve it. 

I cherish celebrating birthdays – my children’s, my husband’s, mine.  They do not need to be elaborate (though it’s true, I do highly value thoughtfulness)—but in the celebration we acknowledge a praise of thanksgiving to God for another year and the gift that that is.  Oh that gift!  Since cancer entered my life and I became uncertain how many birthdays I have left (though really we are all in this category…) I wear each birthday like a celebration crown.  Oh I beam to add each year a bigger, older number to the celebration.  It is with joy I celebrate getting older.  I am approaching 40 and with each number bigger and closer to 40 I get giddy with excitement: a gift I cannot wait to unwrap.  A gift so precious so treasured, so valuable: LIFE.  Life with all its ups and downs, joys and sadnesses, hopes and failures.  

This beautiful life God has given me.  That is what I celebrate TODAY.  Thank you God for 37 years!  To You be the glory!

Confessions of a performance driven perfectionist

 Mark 10:16 (MSG) "Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in."

Why do I spend my time hurrying to moments of no lasting significance and hurrying through moments with great lasting value?

Pause.

This life is meant to be a marathon, not a sprint.

I think about this: do i want my life to be over in a flash like a sprint, a blur? No, I want to relish the beauty over the long haul inclusive of the aches and pains and difficulties *

I want to give pause when I find an extra beautiful moment to feel the moments deeply.  Whether it's the sun shining brilliantly through the trees.  Or the leaves fluttering to the ground.  Or my child nuzzling in.  Or a stranger I've encountered whom I can give a word of encouragement to.

I’m one who naturally rushes rushes rushes----- there is so much to be done!  But slowly. ---Ever. ----So. ---Slowly. I am learning.  As a mom of 3 young children I am learning that no matter how hard I try the dishes will never be caught up, the laundry will never be completely done, rooms will be upheaved to disaster in seconds, and though I just fed my kids they need to eat yet again!  So I am learning that since rushing is futile, perhaps I ought to try something different.

Find beauty.  Savour moments of lasting value.

Beauty is found in the in-between moments.  But it is only seen if I intentionally create pause between the schedule, if I create margins in my life, and if I embrace being prepared to throw my plan for the day to the wind if something more important of lasting value comes along.

And I think, just maybe, this is the key to finding rest amidst the busy: create regular moments where busy is not in control, where I stand up to busy and say No! Not in my life! My life is not controlled by busy.

And what I find here is space.  Space to breathe. Space to be real. Space to ponder what I actually want to do with these precious moments of my life.  Space to remember the gift of the air in my lungs.  Space to raise my arms in Thanksgiving for the beauty of it all!!!

Yes! Yes, this is how I want to spend my moments.

God help me make it so.

*The longest distance I have ran is 30Km.  A 30Km trail run.  It hurts to run this far! (My personal experience was that it is hard work after the 20km point to keep pressing forward and yet, interestingly, even so there is much exilieration in the last km.)  Furthermore, just as this race was an up and down marathon—both physically and emotionally--, so too is life.  Up and Down.  And you can't have the ease of downhills without slogging up the uphills.  

So I want to be present in all these moments, feeling them for what they are, grateful always for the opportunity of experience.  And then I want to take my experience in the difficulty and not forget, never forget, when the course of life eases up a bit or a lot; I never want to forget the journey from point A to point B and how it has shaped me.

I am a Survivor

I was asked on Instagram how I was able to “beat the disease” in reference to a post stating being a 2-year glioblastoma survivor.  I have well out-lived average survival.  I am so grateful to have the opportunity to share the keys to my survival. Here is my response:

(Please note: though I am in remission, according to science I have not “beat” this disease.  That said, the following is what I give credit to for beating the odds and surviving and thriving thus far!)

HOPE.  Believe in hope.  Search for hope with all your might.  When you find hope, cling to it tightly!  And remember hope can always be found.

I received my glioblastoma diagnosis on a Friday afternoon.  My regular doctor was out of town so I saw a brand new fill-in doctor.  She was upfront that she wasn’t familiar with glioblastoma; but that average survival was 1 year.  Of course I was in shock hearing this.  My husband and I went home to process this information.  I did not touch the internet because I didn’t feel the information I would find would be helpful. 

I spend the weekend in a state of hopelessness and sorrow.  Monday my coworker, Jenn, stopped by and beamed with optimism.  With her demeanor and her words she stated that I could be a long-term survivor.  She told me to google “glioblastoma survivor”.  I did and found a story of a 16 year survivor.  Jenn breathed HOPE into my diagnosis.  She told me she was sure I would beat this even though everything says this disease is unbeatable.  THAT is what I needed to hear. Thank you, Jenn!!!!

The next breath of HOPE I received was from actually speaking with an 8 year glioblastoma survivor.  He is a friend of my GP willing to share his story with me.  When I spoke with this fellow I learned that he had a 1 year old child!  He chose to have a child even with a glioblastoma diagnosis!  Furthermore, he shared the title of a book with me, Getting Well Again by O. Carl Simonton.  I’ve just begun to read it and have found it helpful.  The book discusses the power that an optimistic attitude and self-awareness can play in survival.  We can influence the state of our health through “positive attitudes, relaxation, visualization, goal setting, managing pain, exercise, and building an emotional support system.”  Disease does NOT render us powerless!   

Finally, I have found HOPE in believing in Jesus; this has been key.  Jesus has always been a part of my life; post-cancer He has become an absolutely essential part of my life and of my survival.  I’ve cracked open my bible again and as I read daily I meet a powerful, loving, healing Jesus who makes the impossible possible.  As I choose to trust in Jesus I am empowered to believe that my prayers and the attitudes of my heart are heard and seen.  This belief gives me the Hope that the God of the universe who loves me so deeply has my brain in His healing hands.  (I’ve evaluated the potential foolishness others may think in my believing this; however, my experience has been that believing in Jesus gives me the anchor I need during the storm of battling cancer and it gives me Hope both for today --- that God is with me and surrounds me in love --- and Hope for the future beyond this life.  So I choose not to care if anyone else thinks its foolishness because I have personally experienced it’s power and benefit!)

Here I will share a quote I just read from a beautiful book, Daring to Hope by Katie Davis Majors:

“Maybe courage is trusting when we don’t know what is next, leaning into the hard and knowing that it will be hard, but more, God will be near….Maybe bravery is just looking fear in the face and telling it that it does not win because we have known the Lord here…Though we tremble and feel uncertain courage means we press into a God who is certain, sure, steady.  He carries us; He lifts our heads.  And His unfailing love and comfort become our courage and our hope.”

Jesus gives me the courage I need to have hope and let me tell you, having Hope that you can hang on to is powerful!!! 

Also, having a support network which is hopeful alongside you--- believing surviving and thriving is possible-- is essential.  I am grateful for my husband who is naturally optimistic. I describe him as having optimistic optimism.  These are the kind of people we need to surround ourselves with in order to thrive. 

I personally choose to believe that I WILL be in the 5% of people who become 5-year survivors.  I also choose to plan optimistically for my future while at the same time being prudent about my present (I’ve created a will, written birthday letters to my children for their future, etc.).  Furthermore, I’ve processed fears surrounding death in a healthy way with the help of a counselor and continue to process on-going anxiety in this way.

Find HOPE, whatever it looks like for you, and cling to it!!!

I don’t know your faith but, I desire to leave you with a blessing so if you’re willing, please accept my prayer for you:  May God grant you wisdom and His supernatural peace as you journey these difficult roads ahead.  I pray God will grant you and your family Hope, healing and optimism. 

Blessings to you and your family.

XOXO,

Cheryl

What I did on summer vacation 2018 PICTURES!!!!!

Kangaroo Farm Kelowna

Beach in Kelowna

Camp Oshkidee

                                        windy Cochin on the way to Saskatoon from camp

                                                                  Swift Current!

                                          The Landing!!! 

                                                         
                                                        West Edmonton Mall

                                             
                                          Wells Grey Park

                                          Playing at the Vedder River

                                          Fun at Cultus!

                                          Clayton beach, Bellingham WA.

                                          Rides at Cultus

                                           Othello Tunnels