Sept 10 Gratitude: What cancer cannot steal

<<Sept 10 Gratitude>> What cancer cannot steal.

Yesterday my husband, Ryan’s, van was broken into.  The thieves smashed his window and stole his backpack.  They stole his backpack containing his laptop, essential for his business, perhaps a little bit of cash, and a stack of my “business cards” that Ryan likes to hand out.  As I was messaging my friend this morning to report my gratitude for today I said, “its one of those ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! Kinda things: why? WHY? WHY???!!” So little use for the thief (the laptop was actually on its last leg), yeah a bit of cash, but a HUGE inconvenience for Ryan: having to retrieve his files, replace his computer, get a new backpack, and fix the van window.  It feels so pointless, what a pointless crime!

As I take time to process my anger I find sadness as well.  It seems silly, but that backpack was a gift I gave Ryan close to 15 years ago.  He has used it regularly ever since.  My husband is the hardest guy to a present for.  I remember driving all over Saskatoon to find a laptop backpack for him.  I found a good one, (and he didn’t try to return it!) and he’s been using it for years.  Today I sit in my sadness that his backpack, and what that signifies, is stolen, gone.

Anger.  Today I am angry that these thieves stole from us, what was not theirs.  Anger is not one of my common emotions and I find that it usually points to a deeper emotion within me.  As I let myself sit in my anger it surfaces.  The pointlessness of it all precipitates thoughts like these, (Oh they are ugly…) “Why did I get the cancer, why don’t people like these thieves get their lives interrupted and shortened with cancer?!”  These angry questions lead further to ones I don’t think I’ve really even asked yet:   “WHY me!? Why did I get this nasty cancer??!!!  I was a thriving member of society, a medical professional, a mom of three young children, in my prime!  Why me, God? Why me???!!!!”  

It makes no sense, it makes me angry and sad all mixed together.  Historically, I avoid allowing myself to feel these difficult emotions.  I put up a stony shield of indifference, a sort of “they can’t hurt me!” kind of attitude.  However, this past year I have learned from Brene Brown, that if I numb pain (by forging a stony shield of indifference to the hurt), I will also numb joy.  I don’t know about you, but I will take all the joy I can get.  So it is good to sit in the anger and the pain for a moment.

But only for a moment.  (How long is a moment? I imagine it depends on the hurt – when I was first diagnosed with glioblastoma, my counselor told me that it was okay to sit in my sadness,grief, anger etc. of my diagnosis for 1 week.  After that, she said, I needed to employ measures to process and move forward.)

Yesterday when Ryan’s car was broken into he was with a group of people, each one of them with their own story of their own car being broken into.  For me that was a reminder that we’re all in this life together.  We’ve all had something stolen from us.  This gave me perspective.  And it pushed me forward.  Because to sit asking, “Why me?!” is like being a car stuck in the mud spinning it’s wheels, going nowhere, and sending muck flying in all directions.  So instead of asking the question without an answer, “Why me?” I choose to focus instead on what I can control.  As I practice gratitude I remember that I can control my perspective.    

I am reminded of the poem “What Cancer Cannot Do” that my dear friend sent to me when I was first diagnosed with Glioblastoma.  It was eyeopenning and a perspective shifter.

In light of yesterday’s events I frame that poem as “What Cancer Cannot Steal From Me.” And I remember that cancer CANNOT steal and these thieves CANNOT steal love, friendship, hope, peace, joy, and contentment from me!

I find scripture to be very encouraging and helpful in maintaining the perspective I desire.  I’ve been reading these words of a guy named Paul in the bible.  He speaks about the importance of a joy that can always be found.  He speaks that he has learned the secret of how to get along happily with much or with little.  He speaks about thinking about things that are praise-worthy.  It sounds a lot like this gratitude journey I’ve been invited on.

Gratitude is thinking about matters that are praise-worthy--- in times of much and in times of little.  

The reward of gratitude? A joy that cannot be stolen.

Let’s sit with THAT for longer than a moment!  Always remembering what cancer CANNOT steal, what thieves CANNOT steal!

I will close with an invitation.  I invite you into this journey with me, whatever your journey looks like.  Whether you have cancer, know someone with cancer, or cancer hasn’t really touched your life.   Whether spirituality is a part of your life or not.  Whether you believe in God, the power of the universe, other faith-based beliefs, or you’re not sure.  I invite you into this journey with me asking for grace as I speak from the voice (and acknowledged bias) of my own personal faith and grace as I seek to understand other faiths and belief systems more clearly.  Regardless of the paths of our journeys, I strongly feel that we are all better journeying together.  (Remember I shared that it is only because of the invitation of my dear friend that I am on this deepened gratitude journey--- and oh how thankful for that I am!)  I sincerely thank you for journeying with me.

XOXO

Cheryl 

September 9 Gratitude

<<Sept 9 Gratitude>> The soothing rhythm of September routine.
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I thrive with routine. While I'm trying to embrace the blessings that pressing into uncertainty can offer, the consistency of routine is my calming place.
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Sept gives me the routine of my daughter's school schedule that structures my day; indeed one of my favorite parts of weekdays is walking her to school ♥️
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Do you like routine too? Or are you like my husband and think routine is way too boring and thrive in unpredictability and spontaneity?
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Whether you're boring like me 😉😉😉 or a natural thrill seeker, have yourself a lovely grace filled day.
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XOXO
Cheryl.

September 8 Gratitude

<<Sept 8 Gratitude>> Happy Family Time.

A couple short years ago, when I was going through radiation and chemo and processing a devastating diagnosis, weekends used to be pure torture for our family. We had help during the week, but come weekend it was awful. I remember hopelessly trying to entertain our 1 year old twins with tv, they were just too young and oh so needy 😩.
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In light of that history, I am SO grateful today for a weekend of soul-filling family time: a refreshing nature walk by Hicks Lake on Sat and a trip to the circus today!
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BTW even though those wretched weekends are in the past, life's not always full of joy- like going to a circus.  Oh no! All too often it really just feels like life IS a circus.😂. And that's okay.  I'm just glad * this* crew is my circus crew.
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XOXO
Cheryl .

Sept. 7 Gratitude: Raspberries

<<September 7 Gratitude>> Raspberries.
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My husband Ryan picked up some local raspberries last night. I love how fall is so much longer in the Fraser Valley (compared to the prairies where I grew up) and that the delights of summer  trickle into fall.
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Raspberries are my favorite fruit.  Today they remind me of the summer after my first year university. I moved back home for the summer and my mom had raspberries in our backyard. Every morning before work I would suntan, eat raspberries and read. Sweet memories.
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Recently I asked my oncologist if I would ever regain more energy post radiation, chemo and the trauma of brain surgery and my glioblastoma diagnosis. He encouraged me to visualize the energy I used to have, to visualize times in the past when I had high levels of energy,  as a tool to improve and regain my former energy level.  He also said there is no reason I shouldn't regain pre-cancer energy levels.  He empowered me.
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 Today as I enjoy my fresh raspberries and practice gratitude I "feel" the youth of being 18 again 😊.

XOXO
Cheryl

September Gratitudes

<<September Gratitude>> September is very likely my favorite month for many reasons that are bursting inside of me.  I have a precious friend willing to journey me in daily September gratitude, even though September is very much her least favorite month. This journey is beautiful, and so, although Sept is well underway:
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I invite you to join me in my practice of intentional documented daily gratitude this month.
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It's gonna be SO good! How do I know this? Because it already is! Here we go!
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Sept 6 gratitude:
Today I am thankful for healthy children- physically, mentally healthy children.  That my twins were born at term and healthy (couldn't resist sharing baby pic! See below) that my oldest is absolutely thriving in school.  It is a gift, especially given the past 3 years of difficult cancer-battling life for me, I am SO grateful to have been able to focus on my health because my kids were healthy.  Sept is hard for parents whose kids aren't thriving in school, I do not take it for granted that I am able to press into the joys of Rayna's new school year. (It truly delights the school loving nerd that I am!)♥️♥️♥️.
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BTW pic is first day of Grade 2  (and yes she is excited for school she just didn't want her picture taken😊). I love this girl sooooo much and am so proud of her ❤️
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Feel free to share your own September gratitudes below, I'd love to hear them!
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XOXO
Cheryl

Home

<Home.> As I journey "home" I find again what thrills my soul.
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This picture is my charmingly beautiful hometown creek in Southern Saskatchewan. 
I snapped this shot when I was out for a run while visiting my parents this summer. (Happy 70th birthday Dad😘) I used to play here, exploring these cut banks after school.
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I love going back home to visit.  The slogan of this small city is "where life makes sense." Last year as I was dealing with post-cancer anxiety I particularly enjoyed going "home".  The slower pace of a small prairie city  was calming to my frantic soul; I was able to catch my breath and life did indeed make better sense here.
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I think we all need regular reminding to slow down.  To take time to make sense of life rather than press headstrong forward alongside a culture that forgets it's good to slow down, reflect, savour, and breathe.
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Though I now live by the mountains, I will always have a sweet spot in my heart for the prairies. I appreciate the lessons I've learned on the prairies: how to brave snowstorms, the delight of Saskatoon berry crisp, how to drive on ice, the spectacularly beautiful power unleashed in prairie storms and how not to lick metal in freezing temperatures (yet why did I still try?!).  Oh how the expansive quiet beauty of the prairies rivals the grandeous beauty of the mountains.
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Yes, this prairie town will always be in my heart, no matter where journeys take me. And yes I'm hopelessly nostalgic, but for me the cliche, "Home is where the heart is" holds true. 
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As a girl I sat in my room for countless hours journaling and writing poetry and stories.  Yes experience, choices, and education shape the woman I have become; but at my core I am still *that* girl.
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 I minimized her and pushed her aside as I pursued career and motherhood.  I realize now I did myself a great disservice. She surfaced again when cancer stripped so much away.  She reminds me of who I am without the guises I accepted from adulthood.  She keeps me "real".

I now believe that our greatest gifts and talents are apparent at a young age. This does not mean other gifts and talents cannot be learned, enjoyed and pursued.  But through personal experience I see that first passions are deep passions that breathe wholesome life when they are persistently stoked.

It is important for me to remember the girl I was in order to become the woman I truly want to be.  And home is a powerful reminder of this for me.

I invite you to take a journey "home" and find again what thrills your soul ♥️


XOXO
Cheryl



PS. (I acknowledge here that this is my story, based on my experience.  If your childhood was not healthy, home was likely not a safe place for you to explore who you truly are.  Your journey in remembering what thrills your soul will look much different than mine. Grace be to you. XOXO.)

Embrace life's detours

<Twin Moments> Aren't these 2 the cutest?! Come on A&W, do you need some models?
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Twin parenting hasn't been that easy.  It was downright insane for the first year.  And it was not anything we signed up for, somehow we got the 2 for 1 deal 🤷.
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BUT
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Oh how sweet this twin parenting journey is now.  Unexpected blessings❤️.
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It's so interesting how twists in our paths take us to beautiful places we would never choose.  I am slowly learning to embrace these detours.
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XOXO
Cheryl