Facing the Brutal Facts of Life

****NOW BLOGGING ON MY NEW WEBSITE  www.cherylrostek.com (a work in progress, but blog is now operational!!! ) Please sign up on this website to receive blogposts.  I will cross-post a couple more times, but wouldn't want you to miss out, I love your company on my journey:) ****

If you know me well, you know that I LOVE Brene Brown, her books and her teaching.  I appreciate her authenticity and wholehearted approach to life.  Part of her definition of wholeheartedness is accepting “Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am brave, and worthy of love and belonging.” (1)  She has taught me much about the down-sides of perfectionism, about the value of increasing my vulnerability, about my people-pleasing tendencies, about pressing into courage and what that looks like, and so much more.  Most recently I am reading her book, Dare to Lead.  In this book she quotes James Stockdale, an 8 year Vietnam POW survivor. He says (2):

“You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end- which you can never afford to lose- with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

FULL STOP.  I like the “faith that you will prevail in the end” part.  I do good with that part. But, in the last couple of years I’ve become aware that I do not have good coping skills for “confronting brutal facts” and the feelings associated with them.  I am an avoider.  Growing up I didn’t talk about my feelings.  Feelings are inconvenient, feelings are inefficient, feelings are….vulnerable. I held in front of me a shield of perfectionism and performance.  This was my coping mechanism for dealing with brutal facts: stone-facing them.  And I didn’t even realize I was doing this.  I attacked the “hard” of life with an impenetrable shield, thinking I simply wasn’t very emotional.   Brene Brown has taught me that you can’t selectively numb emotions.  If you numb the difficult ones you also numb ones like joy.  Huh! You see, this coping strategy, this shield of mine, worked for 30+ years.  As it was falling apart, I thought it was still working.  My body’s voice spoke otherwise: CANCER. A BROKEN IMMUNE SYSTEM. YOUR SHIELD ISN’T WORKING ANYMORE.

I’ve come to an understanding in the past year or so of the inseparable integration of my body, my soul/spirit, and my mind.   Health is multifaceted.  I cannot separate physical health from spiritual and emotional health and vice versa.  With my medical background it was a journey to this realization, and yet even in the medical professions it is now common belief that “stress” (mental health) has a negative impact on the body (physical health).

I share all this in hopes of helping others.  Perhaps some of you resonate with aspects of being a perfectionist, being performance driven, and lacking in the vulnerability department.

Furthermore, I share this because this September I began writing a book about my cancer story.  This is a courageous endeavor.  Writing a book about my cancer story is a journey of facing the not-so-neat-and-tidy parts of life. It is requiring me to re-enter the trauma of being told at 35 years old, with a preschooler and 2 babies, that I would only live 1 more year.  I didn’t want to “go back there” to rehash that traumatic time in order to write about it.  In fact I’ve been dragging my heels in doing so.  However, I feel compelled that I need to write my story (and do all the re-hashing that entails) in order to spread HOPE.  Interestingly, in writing my story and facing my brutal reality I am finding “increased faith that I will prevail” because look, LOOK at what I have survived.

In re-entering the “brutal facts” of my reality with a new vulnerable approach, with my shield down, I’m uncovering truths about myself that keep me curiously pressing forward.  I realized just yesterday that I need to wholeheartedly explore how motherhood has shaped me.  I realized that my cancer story starts with the stresses of twin-motherhood that I didn’t have coping skills for, that played a role in the breakdown of my immune system.  This is a “brutal fact” of my reality I previously didn’t know how to face.

Today images popped up on my google photos memories taking me visually down memory lane of 3 years ago. As I sit in remembrance of the trauma of 3 years ago, it aches.  As I open myself up to feel, I feel broken.

This hits me hard.  I remember those days feeling like Peter from the bible: terrified so close to drowning.  The bible story tells of Peter in the middle of the sea in the middle of the night and seeing Jesus walking on water.  He accepts Jesus’ invitation and hops out to join him.  He experiences the supernatural and also walks on while water keeping his eyes on Jesus the source of this supernatural experience.  But when the huge waves come, he takes his eyes off of the Source and begins to sink.  He is terrified. He is in over his head.  He will drown without the help of the Supernatural.
Those days 3 years ago I felt so close to drowning, grasping to keep my head above water.  The only way to do so was by focusing on something more powerful than myself: a bigger and greater power than I could ever muster.  A power mightier than the storm waves crashing on my life.  I was living an impossible life.  The only way I kept from drowning was by focusing my eyes on my Supernatural Source.

Today too, rehashing the past and the reality of my present and the uncertainty of my future I need walking-on-water-kind-of-power coursing through me.  Because this is too much.  This is real life and the waves are knocking me over.

My Higher Power is God.  So I call out, oh God keep my head above water. Oh God don’t let me drown.  Oh God I cannot do this.

And My Higher Power replies, “No, you can’t. But I can.”

To write my cancer story I must lay down my shield and expose my very vulnerable humanity.  I must remember that I am a very fragile vessel of life.

To live and write wholeheartedly I must repeat this process every single day:

1. Acknowledge the brutal reality of my life
2.Call out desperately to my Higher Power to keep me from drowning.
3.Find faith that I will prevail in the end.

Simple.
Difficult.
Vulnerable.

A brave journey SO worth braving.

I sincerely thank you for joining me in this whole-hearted adventure of writing my cancer story.

XOXO,
Cheryl

• Dare to Lead, Brene Brown. P. 72
• Dare to Lead, Brene Brown. P. 57, Referencing the Stockdale Paradox as cited in Jim Collin’s book Good to Great

My Three Year Glioblastoma Survivor Anniversary

****NOW BLOGGING ON MY NEW WEBSITE  www.cherylrostek.com (a work in progress, but blog is now operational!!! ) Please sign up on this website to receive blogposts.  I will cross-post for awhile, but wouldn't want you to miss out, I love your company on my journey:) ****

There is much I could share today.  I could write volumes about the significance of today and the journey of the past 3 years.  One blog at a time, one book at a time I have shared and will continue to share my story.

Today I focus on the one pivotal piece: what has been the most important factor in my longevity and tremendous quality of life?

It’s all rooted in my faith.

Yes, I’ve had 2 big wrestling matches with God and with my faith.  (They were necessary for me to determine if my belief structure held valid when facing death and existential questions square in the face.)

Yes, I’ve studied and uncovered much about my personality, human nature, trauma, anxiety, perfectionism, vulnerability, shame, the power of community, visualization, meditation, mindfulness, rest, and creativity. (These specifics are important and I’ll speak about them in my upcoming book).

But,

My conclusion: to this point all that I’ve learned and experienced validate and confirm my belief structure, faith, and the importance of spirituality.

My faith has empowered me to believe for the impossible.

My faith has empowered me to accept grace and be gracious with myself.

My faith has empowered me to be courageous and vulnerable in the face of uncertainty.

My faith has empowered me to release shame, perfectionism, and people-pleasing.

My faith has empowered me to hope.

My faith has empowered me to live my very best life.

Today I reflect on fighting for my life.  This fight has been physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.  I now see these aspects of myself are completely intertwined.  As I care for my spiritual health, my physical, emotional, and mental health all benefit too, and vice versa.

Therefore, I aim to tend to ALL aspects of my health.  And for me, everything falls beautifully into place when I start with my spiritual self.  So today I quote Psalm 9:1-2 (MSG):

I’m thanking you, God, from a full heart.

I’m writing the book of your wonders

I’m WHISTLING,

            LAUGHING,

                 JUMPING FOR JOY.

I’m singing your song high God.

Regardless of your faith, would you join me in celebrating? Would you join me whistling, laughing and jumping for joy? 

Because a good party is cancer-crushing

and because

Today is a good day!

XOXO

Cheryl

Sept 30 Gratitude: my mom

Mom and myself here. Three cancers represented in this picture: Glioblastoma, Breast Cancer, and Multiple Myeloma.
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My gratitude today is my mom.  This Sept marked her 5 year stem cell transplant anniversary. (And at the end of this week I will hit the 3 year Glioblastoma survivor mark.)
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I wouldn't recommend cancer as a bonding tool, but am grateful to be battling this disease alongside my mom. Today I am acutely grateful for her presence in my life. ❤️
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XOXO
Cheryl



Ps I am slowly building a new website at cherylrostek.com I've failed to post my Gratitude journey here on my blog.  Hop onto instagram and find me @cherylrostek to see what you've missed.  And stay tuned for completion of the new website soon!!!


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September 22 Gratitude: Freedom of Faith.

<<September 22 Gratitude>> Freedom of Faith.
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Today I am grateful for the freedom of this great country: freedom to go to a place of worship to practice my faith in public, and that EVERYONE has this right, no matter what their faith is!!!
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My faith and faith community have been vital in empowering me to thrive when cancer tried to swing it's wrecking ball into my life. Today I am mindful that I take this for granted way too much. .
XOXO
Cheryl
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September 20 Gratitude: Terry Fox run

<<Sept 20 Gratitude:participating in Rayna's Terry Fox Run>>
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Seeing my daughter Rayna Run "for my mom" makes my heart well up ♥️ (swipe for more pics). I am so inspired by Terry Fox, and that we could participate together today at Rayna's school run was amazing!!! (Even if she didn't want me to be there 😉)
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Awesome bonus: Terry Fox's SIL works in Rayna's classroom, so I got a picture with her, the class and Terry's niece! Hoping to work with this amazing organization in the future to spread Hope in the cancer world!
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XOXO
Cheryl

September 21 Gratitude: SOCCER

<<Sept 21 Gratitude>>. SOCCER!!! Fall Saturdays are full of kids' soccer, Sunday is my soccer.
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Since my Glioblastoma diagnosis stepping on the soccer field feels like I'm sticking it to cancer.  Even though my cardio fitness is not like it was when I was 16 years old 😆 I feel young and ALIVE when I step on the soccer pitch.
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And every season that my kids play soccer is heart warming to this soccer loving momma♥️
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What makes you feel ALIVE? Or what makes you feel like you're sticking it to cancer?
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XOXO
Cheryl
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September 19 Gratitude: learning something new

<<September 19 Gratitude>> Learning something new.
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I choose this as my gratitude today because I'd really rather not press into the Ugh of having to learn something new: building a website, finding readers who resonate with the words I'm dishing out, etc. I've said this before, but my first day in the pharmacy dispensary I said, "I am NEVER changing careers again!".
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But life. But cancer. But the hope I've experienced and want other fellow cancer survivors to experience bubbles up in me and has to be shared!!!
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And I remember my motto of life long learning. Never being content to just coast.
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So I choose to be (an old dog learning new tricks!) grateful to learn something new and uncomfortable.
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Have you had to learn something new lately?  Please share 😊.
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XOXO
Cheryl.
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PS. NEW WEBSITE UNDER CONSTRUCTION!!!  HOPING TO TRANSFER MY BLOG OVER SOONER RATHER THAN LATER!!! THANKFUL FOR MY HUSBAND'S HELP😊 I'LL KEEP YOU POSTED!

Sept 17 Gratitude: Grace

Today I am grateful for grace.  For freedom and release from trying to measure up. 

Editorial note:. This sat on my computer unposted for ... Awhile. It felt Ugh. I wondered: is this post too "faithy"? I went for a run, sat on the bench in this picture for a bit. I realized no, I've already told my readers if something doesn't resonate with them, leave it, discard it, ignore it. That's an excuse to not post it. It's feels Ugh because it is vulnerable. I am far from having a good understanding of grace. Further, this junk I share, my shame, is still raw. I don't have it sorted yet. I can't cover my vulnerability today with pretty answers and beautiful words. My shield is down and it feels uncomfortable. I wonder if this post might be an utter flop.

Deep breath, I remember my Ennaegram 3 (my performance driven personality) reading that after age 35 you only learn through failure. I remember my counselor telling me he prescribes failure for perfectionists. Deep breath, this post might be a flop, but I choose to courageously post it anyways.

Won't you sit with me here as we learn more about grace together. (Life is always better together)

I woke up this morning feeling full of short coming. Full of "not enough-ness".   Multiple little short comings that mounted into an insurmountable pile and plummeted me into shame.  I have learned this word, shame, from Brene Brown. She defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.” (p. 126 Dare to Lead, emphasis mine)  My “not-enoughness” consisted of little things like these, maybe some sound familiar to you?

-Yesterday I didn’t post my daily gratitude on social media, I ran out of energy, falling asleep in my daughter’s bed (Shortcoming)

- A persistent feeling (I need to keep in check) of feeling like I am not meeting my husband’s ideals of household cleanliness.

- Today is photo day at my daughter’s school and I had to actively rein in my perfectionism and wanting to micro-manage her appearance.    

- My friend is having surgery today and I want to be the perfectly supportive friend to her, because I care about her.  I feel like I am falling short.

- Sunday I was supposed to have soccer, but it got rained out.  I didn’t make up that missed exercise by going for a run.

         

As I woke this morning I felt shame creeping in.  It’s like it entered my toes and was creeping up my legs like a cancer reaching for my heart. Cancer is growth unchecked.  I took a whole course on the molecular biology of cancer in University.  It is driven by genetic defects that allow cells that have reached the end of their life cycle to keep on growing. They grow and grow, unchecked, ignoring the rules that govern a healthy body.  Shame is like this; if we let it press through the check-point where it’s supposed to be stopped, it just grows and grows like a cancer crowding out the healthy function of the surrounding body.

My daughter’s been reading a book where the main character, Annie, is a princess who is immune to the powers of magic. Annie is tasked with retrieving a magic Pearl, because she is immune to the evil magic of the sea witch.  The pearl is of great value to her because it holds the power to cure her father from the “creeping sickness”.  This creeping sickness starts in a person’s toes, turning them blue, and gradually creeps up the body.  If it reaches a person’s head they die. 

As shame creeps into my day beginning in my toes; I know I need to stop it before it destroys my perspective and my day and has a negative impact on my physical health.  I need the magic pearl that destroys this cancerous and creeping shame.

That healing pearl is grace.  Grace is a powerful antidote to shame.

If you've read my other posts you know it was my counselor who sent me on a grace-finding journey.  When he first asked me what grace was I was flustered, but I pieced together the response, “deep kindness.”  Brene Brown says we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.  In light of this (and my desire to love others well, starting with my family) I have begun to regularly say to myself, “Cheryl, be kind to yourself.”  If shame, for “not being enough”, creeps in this is one of my weapons. 

Furthermore, I tried creating definitions and examples of grace in my life to understand it better. I tried a bunch of these: Grace is  that I’m still alive with this diagnosis? Absolutely I’m still grateful for this, but it doesn’t resonate grace to me.  What about delivering my oldest daughter vaginally when she was almost a c-section? Or the last km on the 30 Km race I did a few years ago? Or maybe the words that flow out of me and soothe me? Again, I am grateful for all of these, but they do not capture grace for me.   

In my pursuit of understanding grace I pressed into the faith I grew up with.  I grew up with the phrase “the grace of God” slung around.  But in my quest for understanding grace, this phrase didn’t help.  What does grace really mean?  I grew up with a rule-following, religious sort of perception of Christianity.  Recently, when I read a book called Grace for the good-girl: Letting go of the try hard life, by Emily Freeman, I realized that I had been trying to earn grace in my faith-life (and probably my everyday life).  But earning grace is an oxymoron and also a futile pursuit by very definition.  So I had to press further. 

My friend, who is also a counselor, brought it to my attention that grace is inherently vulnerable because it means admitting that I am not enough.  Ouch. I don’t like being not enough.  I like being self-sufficient, capable Cheryl with a zillion gold stars beside my name.  She is a perfectionist.  She is performance driven.  She gets stuff done.  I like her.  She isn’t vulnerable.  BUT she is weighed down with the 20-tonne weight of her perfectionism shield, being heckled by shame, her backseat driver (again, illustration is Brene Brown’s).  Her life isn’t free.  And she has the creeping disease.

So where is this grace?  How do I find this magic pearl and bring it into my life?

Grace lives beyond the ruled-filled world I have loved so much.  She says it’s not about what you do, its about who you are.  Opposite to shame, grace is about being worthy of love, belonging and connection, just because I am, flaws and all.  It’s a complete shift in perspective and complete upside down logic. It’s also very liberating.

Regardless of your faith background, I think you can capture a greater sense of this sort of grace from the following story.  There are 2 sisters, Mary and Martha, who are having Jesus over for lunch one day.  Martha is this hostess with the mostest and she’s flitting about here and there making sure the food and ambience are perfect.  She is working her butt off and starting to get really pissed that, firstly, her sister isn’t helping her, but secondly, that Jesus isn’t calling Mary out.  She voices this to Jesus and he says, “stop being so upset, Martha!  Mary knows what really matters.”  From the first time I read that story I couldn’t understand it.  I didn’t get Jesus and I thought he got his response wrong. I mean,  dude, she’s working her butt off!   A few years and experiences down the road, I think I may just be starting to understand what Jesus was saying.  I think he may have been teaching the importance in being over doing.  Jesus wasn’t about the try-hard life that our society praises.   

This helps me to understand that grace is about being loveable no matter what.  Release the rules, release the to-do lists, release the armor of a poised surface and grace remains.  Grace is deep kindness that you choose and experience firstly towards yourself.  It tramples the cancerous shame so you are freed to be gracious with others.

This is good news for my soul today. 

How about yours?  Does this post resonate with you?  I’d love to hear from you!

And let’s be kind to ourselves and have a grace filled day.

XOXO,

Cheryl   

Sept 16 Gratitude: rest and sleep

<<Sept 16 Gratitude: rest and sleep>>
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This post is day late because last night I fell asleep in my daughter's bed with her.  When I awoke all I could muster was moving my body to my own bed and resuming sleep.
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Sleep is good😊
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XOXO
Cheryl
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#cherylrostek #simplygrateful #sleepisgood #thesearethedays

September 15 Gratitude: my husband

<<September 15 Gratitude>> This man, my husband♥️.
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Today my gratitude is for Ryan, my husband, who I fell in love with at 18 years old, who 20 years later is still the love of my life. I love him with the same passion of our youth, but with the maturity that comes with years. .

Last night he read my post and gave me a big hug and said, "I'm glad you're here to do dishes too." Out of context that comment would seem snide.  But this was a heart felt truth.  Acknowledging our reality.
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I am so grateful for my partner in life. One who battles alongside me for hope, for perspective, for life, for love.  Never giving up on me, on us.  Facing the difficult head on and wading through the muck with tremendous optimism.
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I am grateful for this man who is my husband and a brilliant father to our children. A man who stayed when twin parenting almost drove him to the edge. A man who has been nothing but steadfast in this impossible journey of ours.
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I am blessed to be his wife.  And in my visualization exercises I envision us growing old together.  I choose to be courageous and believe for this "impossible" with tears in my eyes.  To hope for this is to open myself up for deep hurt, but if Brene Brown has taught me anything, I will only find wholehearted living and love if I open myself up to be vulnerable. Another book I read (Getting well again by Simonton) speaks that others may call it false hope to believe for the impossible.  But, Simonton asserts, the only other option is to live in hopelessness. So I will be courageous and choose Hope. .
I figured one of these days I would post gratitude for this man, I didn't know how deep the emotion would strike. I am so grateful for him ♥️.
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Who can you tell today, that you are grateful for them?
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XOXO
Cheryl
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September 14 Gratitude: mundane moments

<<Sept 14 Gratitude: mundane moments>>

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I realized today just how powerful my intentional daily gratitude journey is.  I felt nothing overt to be grateful for; the day was a busy morning to and fro with kids' soccer and an afternoon of a WHOLE LOT of cleaning.

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Then

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I was washing my second sinkful of dishes and a thought popped into my mind, "I am grateful to be able to serve my family by doing our dishes."

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This is important because 1) I am sure it was my regular gratitude practice that caused this thought to pop in unsolicited.

2) I am alive to do dishes.

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Nearly three years ago,  with a Stage 4 Glioblastoma diagnosis, I did not think I would be alive to watch my kids getting bigger, I did not think I would be cleaning their messes, breaking up their fights, and washing their laundry. .

Today I am grateful for the opportunity to be alive and living into these mundane moments.

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As Brene Brown says, "the most joy is found in ordinary moments."

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Today was a powerful shift of perspective. That's what Gratitude does.  One of my greatest hopes is that I can inspire you to find joy: in celebratory times, in sorrowful timed, and in mundane times.

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Have a grateful day

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XOXO

Cheryl

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September 13 Gratitude: CELEBRATION!

<<Sept 13 Gratitude:>> Celebration!
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Life has felt heavy this week, so today I am grateful for a celebration!  A party!!!
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Today we are having a party for Allison, celebrating that she is a BIG girl!: Tonight is her first night without a soother.  We had  a unicorn cake and we gave her a super soft stuffy.  Fun times!!!! (Let's hope the night isn't too rough 😆. Sleepy vibes welcome!)
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XOXO
Cheryl
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September 12 Gratitude: Rest and stopping to smell the roses

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With September comes soccer practices X 3 kids, soccer games x 3 kids, piano lessons, making sure piano is practiced, making lunches, helping with homework...a busy pace. A tired mom.
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I have to stop and remind myself that I am not super human. "Be kind to yourself Cheryl", I've learned to say since my counselor pressed on me my need to learn grace for myself. (Indeed, I used to think I was a super mom when my twins were little --- and that didn't end well: shame, anxiety, and serious illness)
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Today I am grateful for all I have learned about myself in the past year: that my personality is an over achiever and that can have detrimental health effects if not kept in check. (Yes I'm ennaegram 3)
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Today I am grateful to stop and literally smell the roses.
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Nearly 3 years ago when I created my cancer battle plan, my dear friend pointed out that I had failed to include: REST. .
Today I shall
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Rest....and be grateful for it.
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XOXO
Cheryl
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September 11 Gratitude: Friendship

<<Sept 11 Gratitude>>. Friendship.
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My 7 year old was super excited for back to school this year - she gets to see her friends regularly again!!! Friendship matters greatly to her.
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I got this perfect card in mail just the other day from my friend.  On the hat it says "flourish" and in the corner "often the path that will bring us the most joy will need some clearing". Perfect words for my new writing adventure.
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And all the other exceptional friends I have.  Those in my close circle.  Those who stepped up big time when cancer thrust my family into crisis.  Those who I can be vulnerable with.  Old friends, new friends. .

Yes, today I am grateful for all of these friendships❤️
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XOXO
Cheryl

Sept 10 Gratitude: What cancer cannot steal

<<Sept 10 Gratitude>> What cancer cannot steal.

Yesterday my husband, Ryan’s, van was broken into.  The thieves smashed his window and stole his backpack.  They stole his backpack containing his laptop, essential for his business, perhaps a little bit of cash, and a stack of my “business cards” that Ryan likes to hand out.  As I was messaging my friend this morning to report my gratitude for today I said, “its one of those ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! Kinda things: why? WHY? WHY???!!” So little use for the thief (the laptop was actually on its last leg), yeah a bit of cash, but a HUGE inconvenience for Ryan: having to retrieve his files, replace his computer, get a new backpack, and fix the van window.  It feels so pointless, what a pointless crime!

As I take time to process my anger I find sadness as well.  It seems silly, but that backpack was a gift I gave Ryan close to 15 years ago.  He has used it regularly ever since.  My husband is the hardest guy to a present for.  I remember driving all over Saskatoon to find a laptop backpack for him.  I found a good one, (and he didn’t try to return it!) and he’s been using it for years.  Today I sit in my sadness that his backpack, and what that signifies, is stolen, gone.

Anger.  Today I am angry that these thieves stole from us, what was not theirs.  Anger is not one of my common emotions and I find that it usually points to a deeper emotion within me.  As I let myself sit in my anger it surfaces.  The pointlessness of it all precipitates thoughts like these, (Oh they are ugly…) “Why did I get the cancer, why don’t people like these thieves get their lives interrupted and shortened with cancer?!”  These angry questions lead further to ones I don’t think I’ve really even asked yet:   “WHY me!? Why did I get this nasty cancer??!!!  I was a thriving member of society, a medical professional, a mom of three young children, in my prime!  Why me, God? Why me???!!!!”  

It makes no sense, it makes me angry and sad all mixed together.  Historically, I avoid allowing myself to feel these difficult emotions.  I put up a stony shield of indifference, a sort of “they can’t hurt me!” kind of attitude.  However, this past year I have learned from Brene Brown, that if I numb pain (by forging a stony shield of indifference to the hurt), I will also numb joy.  I don’t know about you, but I will take all the joy I can get.  So it is good to sit in the anger and the pain for a moment.

But only for a moment.  (How long is a moment? I imagine it depends on the hurt – when I was first diagnosed with glioblastoma, my counselor told me that it was okay to sit in my sadness,grief, anger etc. of my diagnosis for 1 week.  After that, she said, I needed to employ measures to process and move forward.)

Yesterday when Ryan’s car was broken into he was with a group of people, each one of them with their own story of their own car being broken into.  For me that was a reminder that we’re all in this life together.  We’ve all had something stolen from us.  This gave me perspective.  And it pushed me forward.  Because to sit asking, “Why me?!” is like being a car stuck in the mud spinning it’s wheels, going nowhere, and sending muck flying in all directions.  So instead of asking the question without an answer, “Why me?” I choose to focus instead on what I can control.  As I practice gratitude I remember that I can control my perspective.    

I am reminded of the poem “What Cancer Cannot Do” that my dear friend sent to me when I was first diagnosed with Glioblastoma.  It was eyeopenning and a perspective shifter.

In light of yesterday’s events I frame that poem as “What Cancer Cannot Steal From Me.” And I remember that cancer CANNOT steal and these thieves CANNOT steal love, friendship, hope, peace, joy, and contentment from me!

I find scripture to be very encouraging and helpful in maintaining the perspective I desire.  I’ve been reading these words of a guy named Paul in the bible.  He speaks about the importance of a joy that can always be found.  He speaks that he has learned the secret of how to get along happily with much or with little.  He speaks about thinking about things that are praise-worthy.  It sounds a lot like this gratitude journey I’ve been invited on.

Gratitude is thinking about matters that are praise-worthy--- in times of much and in times of little.  

The reward of gratitude? A joy that cannot be stolen.

Let’s sit with THAT for longer than a moment!  Always remembering what cancer CANNOT steal, what thieves CANNOT steal!

I will close with an invitation.  I invite you into this journey with me, whatever your journey looks like.  Whether you have cancer, know someone with cancer, or cancer hasn’t really touched your life.   Whether spirituality is a part of your life or not.  Whether you believe in God, the power of the universe, other faith-based beliefs, or you’re not sure.  I invite you into this journey with me asking for grace as I speak from the voice (and acknowledged bias) of my own personal faith and grace as I seek to understand other faiths and belief systems more clearly.  Regardless of the paths of our journeys, I strongly feel that we are all better journeying together.  (Remember I shared that it is only because of the invitation of my dear friend that I am on this deepened gratitude journey--- and oh how thankful for that I am!)  I sincerely thank you for journeying with me.

XOXO

Cheryl 

September 9 Gratitude

<<Sept 9 Gratitude>> The soothing rhythm of September routine.
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I thrive with routine. While I'm trying to embrace the blessings that pressing into uncertainty can offer, the consistency of routine is my calming place.
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Sept gives me the routine of my daughter's school schedule that structures my day; indeed one of my favorite parts of weekdays is walking her to school ♥️
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Do you like routine too? Or are you like my husband and think routine is way too boring and thrive in unpredictability and spontaneity?
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Whether you're boring like me 😉😉😉 or a natural thrill seeker, have yourself a lovely grace filled day.
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XOXO
Cheryl.

September 8 Gratitude

<<Sept 8 Gratitude>> Happy Family Time.

A couple short years ago, when I was going through radiation and chemo and processing a devastating diagnosis, weekends used to be pure torture for our family. We had help during the week, but come weekend it was awful. I remember hopelessly trying to entertain our 1 year old twins with tv, they were just too young and oh so needy 😩.
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In light of that history, I am SO grateful today for a weekend of soul-filling family time: a refreshing nature walk by Hicks Lake on Sat and a trip to the circus today!
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BTW even though those wretched weekends are in the past, life's not always full of joy- like going to a circus.  Oh no! All too often it really just feels like life IS a circus.😂. And that's okay.  I'm just glad * this* crew is my circus crew.
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XOXO
Cheryl .

Sept. 7 Gratitude: Raspberries

<<September 7 Gratitude>> Raspberries.
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My husband Ryan picked up some local raspberries last night. I love how fall is so much longer in the Fraser Valley (compared to the prairies where I grew up) and that the delights of summer  trickle into fall.
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Raspberries are my favorite fruit.  Today they remind me of the summer after my first year university. I moved back home for the summer and my mom had raspberries in our backyard. Every morning before work I would suntan, eat raspberries and read. Sweet memories.
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Recently I asked my oncologist if I would ever regain more energy post radiation, chemo and the trauma of brain surgery and my glioblastoma diagnosis. He encouraged me to visualize the energy I used to have, to visualize times in the past when I had high levels of energy,  as a tool to improve and regain my former energy level.  He also said there is no reason I shouldn't regain pre-cancer energy levels.  He empowered me.
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 Today as I enjoy my fresh raspberries and practice gratitude I "feel" the youth of being 18 again 😊.

XOXO
Cheryl

September Gratitudes

<<September Gratitude>> September is very likely my favorite month for many reasons that are bursting inside of me.  I have a precious friend willing to journey me in daily September gratitude, even though September is very much her least favorite month. This journey is beautiful, and so, although Sept is well underway:
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I invite you to join me in my practice of intentional documented daily gratitude this month.
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It's gonna be SO good! How do I know this? Because it already is! Here we go!
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Sept 6 gratitude:
Today I am thankful for healthy children- physically, mentally healthy children.  That my twins were born at term and healthy (couldn't resist sharing baby pic! See below) that my oldest is absolutely thriving in school.  It is a gift, especially given the past 3 years of difficult cancer-battling life for me, I am SO grateful to have been able to focus on my health because my kids were healthy.  Sept is hard for parents whose kids aren't thriving in school, I do not take it for granted that I am able to press into the joys of Rayna's new school year. (It truly delights the school loving nerd that I am!)♥️♥️♥️.
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BTW pic is first day of Grade 2  (and yes she is excited for school she just didn't want her picture taken😊). I love this girl sooooo much and am so proud of her ❤️
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Feel free to share your own September gratitudes below, I'd love to hear them!
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XOXO
Cheryl

Home

<Home.> As I journey "home" I find again what thrills my soul.
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This picture is my charmingly beautiful hometown creek in Southern Saskatchewan. 
I snapped this shot when I was out for a run while visiting my parents this summer. (Happy 70th birthday Dad😘) I used to play here, exploring these cut banks after school.
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I love going back home to visit.  The slogan of this small city is "where life makes sense." Last year as I was dealing with post-cancer anxiety I particularly enjoyed going "home".  The slower pace of a small prairie city  was calming to my frantic soul; I was able to catch my breath and life did indeed make better sense here.
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I think we all need regular reminding to slow down.  To take time to make sense of life rather than press headstrong forward alongside a culture that forgets it's good to slow down, reflect, savour, and breathe.
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Though I now live by the mountains, I will always have a sweet spot in my heart for the prairies. I appreciate the lessons I've learned on the prairies: how to brave snowstorms, the delight of Saskatoon berry crisp, how to drive on ice, the spectacularly beautiful power unleashed in prairie storms and how not to lick metal in freezing temperatures (yet why did I still try?!).  Oh how the expansive quiet beauty of the prairies rivals the grandeous beauty of the mountains.
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Yes, this prairie town will always be in my heart, no matter where journeys take me. And yes I'm hopelessly nostalgic, but for me the cliche, "Home is where the heart is" holds true. 
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As a girl I sat in my room for countless hours journaling and writing poetry and stories.  Yes experience, choices, and education shape the woman I have become; but at my core I am still *that* girl.
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 I minimized her and pushed her aside as I pursued career and motherhood.  I realize now I did myself a great disservice. She surfaced again when cancer stripped so much away.  She reminds me of who I am without the guises I accepted from adulthood.  She keeps me "real".

I now believe that our greatest gifts and talents are apparent at a young age. This does not mean other gifts and talents cannot be learned, enjoyed and pursued.  But through personal experience I see that first passions are deep passions that breathe wholesome life when they are persistently stoked.

It is important for me to remember the girl I was in order to become the woman I truly want to be.  And home is a powerful reminder of this for me.

I invite you to take a journey "home" and find again what thrills your soul ♥️


XOXO
Cheryl



PS. (I acknowledge here that this is my story, based on my experience.  If your childhood was not healthy, home was likely not a safe place for you to explore who you truly are.  Your journey in remembering what thrills your soul will look much different than mine. Grace be to you. XOXO.)

Embrace life's detours

<Twin Moments> Aren't these 2 the cutest?! Come on A&W, do you need some models?
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Twin parenting hasn't been that easy.  It was downright insane for the first year.  And it was not anything we signed up for, somehow we got the 2 for 1 deal 🤷.
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BUT
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Oh how sweet this twin parenting journey is now.  Unexpected blessings❤️.
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It's so interesting how twists in our paths take us to beautiful places we would never choose.  I am slowly learning to embrace these detours.
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XOXO
Cheryl

MRI RESULTS DAY

It felt so odd this morning to be planning my oncologist visit amidst regular errands and the ever long "to-do" list. It's the dance between the cancer world and the non-cancer world.  Yet more and more they blend. And isn't that the truth. Everyone has mountains to face in life; your mountain may be different than my mountain, but that does not make it any less of a mountain. And, if we're lucky, life keeps traipsing on.
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Today I'm mindful that I am more than the disease I've been diagnosed with.  I am Cheryl with my inborn gifts and passions. I am wife, mother, daughter, friend.  I am more than my prognosis. A prognosis is merely an average.  My friends, I am more than just an average!  As a pharmacist I tried to focus on my patients as people, not the person on x,y, or z med. Not the statistics that evidence based medicine is grounded on. A person with a body, mind and soul.  Human. Just like me.
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As we find our common ground in our humanity we can rejoice together wholeheartedly and mourn together wholeheartedly.
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Today my heart swells excitedly that I can ask you to CELEBRATE with me in my GOOD MRI RESULTS! No signs of cancer growth. Next scan in 6 months.
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Thank you for journeying with me ❤️
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XOXO
Cheryl

An Afternoon "with" Brene Brown and my Daughter

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Ps by "with" I mean immersed in Brene's writing. By "afternoon" I mean 10 minutes---they were absolutely splendid 😊
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I've always loved reading to this girl, it was one of my first motherhood delights. Now I get to read alongside her!!!  This was a very sweet moment today while her little brother and sister played at the park. Bless this girl and bless this momma's heart.
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Here's a powerful snippet I read today from Brene Brown's "Dare to Lead":
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"'the courage to be vulnerable is not about winning or losing, it's about the courage to show up when you can't predict or control the outcome."
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These words are fitting as tomorrow morning I will show up at my oncologist's office- optimistic, confidently hopeful for good news, but- oh so vulnerable as I wait for him to voice my MRI results.  This is what courage looks like in my life today. How about yours?  I'd truly love to hear your stories.
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XOXO
Cheryl

One more pic because I love this girl so much ❤️

MRI Day!

Okay so not the best picture of me, but I suppose that's part of the point as I invite you more intimately into my journey with Glioblastoma.
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Today is MRI day.  In the past I've kept my MRI date and results day secret, except to my closest circle, for fear of not having good news to share.  Anxiety used to saturate the gap between MRI and results.  Today during my 30 minute MRI I practiced some of the measures that have empowered me to say "goodbye" to anxiety during this gap.  Namely mindfulness, meditation, systematic relaxation, gratitude, and faith. 
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Does anxiety still try to surface? Yes! Just last night I had a moment of fright, "what if the results show tumor growth?!" (Every single MRI!). But by recognizing these anxiety inducing thoughts quickly, I can squash them by pressing into what I know to be true in this very moment (because no one knows their futures right?!) Life is a good and precious gift, today is a great day and I will not dismiss today's life and joy by worrying about tomorrow's problems.

Let's expect good things together, are you with me?!

XOXO
Cheryl

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Blackberries and my Spiritual Awakening

Blackberries!!!!  I had a wonderful time with my kids by the River Park here in beautiful Chilliwack BC, complete with a blackberry picking stroll.  This 3 year old tried following me into the bushes to grab her own fruit.  But the thing with blackberry bushes is their thorns are nasty and seem to come alive and snarl you- cutting your skin, entangling your clothing.  Picking these berries is a risky endeavor.
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This got me thinking about life.  The past 3-4 years were VERY challenging filled with mothering twin babies, facing my death sentence diagnosis of glioblastoma, and the trauma that ensued. These are the nasty thorns I've had to press through.  **BUT** the fruit I've harvested from being forced to go deep into the thorns and get cut up (and choosing to keep pressing through):  love, joy, peace, hope, goodness.  This is the very fruit that I've discovered in my glioblastoma-driven spiritual awakening.  And let me tell you, THIS fruit is the sweetest!
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What have the thorns and the blackberries looked like in your life?  Share below or send me a note at info@cherylrostek.com


XOXO
Cheryl

What Makes you feel fully Alive?

I picked up "Befriending the Stranger" by Jean Vanier in the thrift store the other day. I almost didn't buy it, one more thing to declutter later... But I like Jean Vanier and my daughter was making a purchase so I thought "sure it's only 50 cents".  Well turns out this book is amazing and so full of wisdom about identity, the strength of weakness, vulnerability, grace, grieving the loss that certain callings on life require and SO much more that affirms what I've been learning and wanting to learn this past year with tremendous clarity.

Others may call it coincidence or serendipity.  I call it Jesus walloping me in the face. Whatever you call it, I'm wanting more because the more I press in the more ALIVE than ever I feel. And I fully agree with Jean, "Jesus yearns for us to become fully alive and so to communicate life to others."

What makes you feel fully alive?  I'd love to hear from you! Comment below or find me on Instagram @cherylrostek.


XOXO
Cheryl

Come close and listen

It is time for me to press into being a writer.  This scares me. It's unknown terrain and it means (at least for a season) I am setting aside my straight forward profession of being pharmacist. My first day working in the pharmacy dispensary I said, "I am NEVER changing careers again!!". Well, brain cancer has thrust me here and God has gently, persistently nudged me further.  I've been pushing back, but I've come through a year of tremendous growth. And so, it's time.

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I invite you to journey with me as I seriously press in to writing (and publishing 😬)a book about my journey battling glioblastoma as well as editting the novel I started writing 10 years ago, which became a bucket list item to finish and publish when brain cancer entered my life. I appreciate the company ❤️ (did I mention I know NOTHING about publishing?!)

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 It's like the pink Cyclone waterslide at West Edmonton Mall that I daringly went on in Jan.😬 (See pic below to understand what the slide is like- they lock you in the slide and the floor drops out on you!): Terrifying and exhilarating! I look forward to having you on my journey!

XOXO

Cheryl

Ingratitude

Ingratitude runs through me right now and w when I finally stop to pause I am appalled at myself.  Be kind to yourself, I remind myself.  Be kind, be gracious, and I know that practicing gratitude is the only way to cut through this extreme annoyance that I'm letting ruin my weekend.

We have just moved into a new (to us) house. The yellow house, as opposed to the "blue house" my twins affectionately refer to our condo we moved from.  Yes, we are no longer condo dwellers with 3 children and that feels so nice.  And we also happen to have a very beautiful new house.  What a gift! I am grateful for this "gateway of hope" for our family. Space to be and breathe and grow.  it is truly WONDERFUL. I am stunned with my human nature that I find myself so full of ingratitude today.

You see our beautiful new home has central Air conditioning, yay!  which is wonderful as we've moved in summer.  My ingratitude is rooted in the fact that the fan on the AC has broken on our new house and the forecast is 30C+ temps this week.  Ingratitude seeps in bringing a filthy stink into my day and my heart.  As my kids struggle to go to sleep in the heat bitterness is wide awake in my soul.

Oh Cheryl! A couple short years ago I would have been overflowing with gratitude to know what my life holds today. I would have been awestruck, I would have hugged my family so tight, no matter how sweaty the embrace got.  Oh, How quickly I forget (and how good it is to remember, regularly remember- like how the Israelites in the Old Testament easily forget how God has been faithful to them and they are told over and over to remember).  How quickly my gratitude for this home turns to seething ingratitude, as if I am owed the luxuries of this home.  And I must quickly as I can and in every hot moment that comes, remember.

Given all I've faced in life, I'm sure people must think it comes easier for me to have gratitude for everyday.  To remember and be thankful. I think it ought to. And in many ways and most days it ABSOLUTELY does. However I am human just like you and the (not so) funny thing with "having so much to be grateful for" is that shame is so much thicker for me when gratitude is hard to find. 

And so:

I must retrain my thoughts each day towards gratitude. I must force gratitude to come, when it does not want to. I must counter ingratitude with gratitude, spoken aloud in realtime.  Even when my teeth are gritted together and my arm pits are sweating.

I must remember to give thanks for what I have.

I must turn my eyes from what is wrong with my world and remember what is true: I am blessed beyond measure.  Who am I to deserve w,x,y, and z? (This home, my family, my health, this breath in my lungs? ) I am not worthy.  It is only by the grace of my Marvelous Creator that I hold these gifts as mine.  Only by this grace.  this kind, compassionate, loving grace.

So whether I am cool as a cucumber or one hot mess; whether it comes easily or through teeth gritted together: I CHOOSE GRATITUDE.

And guess what? though I wanted to stay disgruntled (why? I'm really not sure)the kids are liking their new campout in our basement just fine, see the picture to prove it!

Much grace to all of you wherever your journey finds you.

XOXO, Cheryl

New and old beginnings

New and old beginnings ❤️

 Yesterday was a day to celebrate a new beginning (the day started with packing up to move from our condo into a house!!! Aren't we growing up?!) ...


And to remember old beginnings - our 17th wedding ANNIVERSARY.  Thank you Cultus Lake for having fireworks on our anniversary, made for a wonderful date with the man I'm so grateful to wake up beside everyday ❤️ I am so head over heels in love with this amazing man I get to call husband.  Though words are my "thing", they fail me here. Snuggling on a the blanket on the beach watching the fireworks was a great life descriptor of our love. XOXO,  I love you Ryan.

#soinlove #fireworks #celebrate #beginnings #grateful  #eachdayisagift